I am ridiculous
And in need of professional help
But seeing as I don’t have insurance right now or the money to see a therapist, I am writing it out
I could use some feedback
Forgive me if I ramble to the point of you wanting to slap the shit out of me
I had sex with Mr. Artist last night
It wasn’t fantastic, it wasn’t horrible
It was good, maybe a little better than good but I’m ridiculous so bear with me
I don’t regret it
But I found myself feeling…disappointed
Now why the fuck should I feel disappointed?
Maybe I’ve read too many stories about how awesome other people’s sex is
Maybe he’s not as “well endowed” as I guess I’ve been used to
But really, maybe I’m disappointed that it didn’t make me fall head over heels in love with him
And that means, there’s a HUGE possibility that I could hurt him
I’m a fickle, flight risk
I’m always 10 steps ahead
I know he cares about me more than I care about him
He knows that I’m skittish
He tries to make it okay
Tells me that he’s not sure of how he feels about me either
That he’s used to women coming and going in his life
That he lives in the moment
How he just wants us to give it our best
That he’s not made of glass
But I know better
I know that I’m different for him
I see it in how he looks at me
How he talks to me
The things he’s willing to change to be with me
I would break his heart
He’s not as connected to his own feelings as he pretends to be
Maybe it sounds arrogant of me to say I know better
I just know what I know
My whole life consists of reading people and seeing things in their mental and emotional process that they don’t yet see themselves
I am very upfront with him on how scared I am
Scared of getting hurt, he asked
No, I said
Scared of hurting me, he said
As long as you aren’t trying to do it on purpose, I say we give it a shot and if it doesn’t work out that’s okay. But if it does, then we have a chance at something wonderful, he said
That’s all I could muster
I know I’m on the verge of falling for him
But much like an orgasm, there’s a plateau right before
Either you are going to reach the plateau and eventually get above it to climax or you are going to reach the plateau and lose momentum
I’m so fickle and overthink too much that I could easily kill this
I’m my own worst enemy
But what I have most difficulty with is this:
How do I know that it’s not just me knowing what I really want and trying to make this good thing with him fit what I want?
How do I know that as wonderful and amazing as he is and as much as I like him, there is still something that isn’t quite “clicking” for me and that’s where all this hesitation and overthinking comes from?
If that is the case, is it still okay for me to give it a shot?
Even if I know deep, deep down that I will probably hurt him in the future (possibly even the not too distant future) ?
Is it okay to go for it, be in the moment, because I’ve given him full disclosure of how I am and what I’m afraid of and he’s still willing to take that risk?
Am I making this waaaaaaay more complicated than it has to be?
I swear, I’m too empathetic for my own good.