Help!

I am ridiculous

And in need of professional help

But seeing as I don’t have insurance right now or the money to see a therapist, I am writing it out

I could use some feedback

Forgive me if I ramble to the point of you wanting to slap the shit out of me

I had sex with Mr. Artist last night

It wasn’t fantastic, it wasn’t horrible

It was good, maybe a little better than good but I’m ridiculous so bear with me

I don’t regret it

But I found myself feeling…disappointed

Now why the fuck should I feel disappointed?

Maybe I’ve read too many stories about how awesome other people’s sex is

Maybe he’s not as “well endowed” as I guess I’ve been used to

But really, maybe I’m disappointed that it didn’t make me fall head over heels in love with him

And that means, there’s a HUGE possibility that I could hurt him

I’m a fickle, flight risk

I’m always 10 steps ahead

I know he cares about me more than I care about him

He knows that I’m skittish

He tries to make it okay

Tells me that he’s not sure of how he feels about me either

That he’s used to women coming and going in his life

That he lives in the moment

How he just wants us to give it our best

That he’s not made of glass

But I know better

I know that I’m different for him

I see it in how he looks at me

How he talks to me

The things he’s willing to change to be with me

I would break his heart

He’s not as connected to his own feelings as he pretends to be

Maybe it sounds arrogant of me to say I know better

I just know what I know

My whole life consists of reading people and seeing things in their mental and emotional process that they don’t yet see themselves

I am very upfront with him on how scared I am

Scared of getting hurt, he asked

No, I said

Scared of hurting me, he said

Yes

As long as you aren’t trying to do it on purpose, I say we give it a shot and if it doesn’t work out that’s okay. But if it does, then we have a chance at something wonderful, he said

Okay

That’s all I could muster

I know I’m on the verge of falling for him

But much like an orgasm, there’s a plateau right before

Either you are going to reach the plateau and eventually get above it to climax or you are going to reach the plateau and lose momentum

I’m so fickle and overthinkΒ too much that I could easily kill this

I’m my own worst enemy

But what I have most difficulty with is this:

How do I know that it’s not just me knowing what I really want and trying to make this good thing with him fit what I want?

How do I know that as wonderful and amazing as he is and as much as I like him, there is still something that isn’t quite “clicking” for me and that’s where all this hesitation and overthinking comes from?

If that is the case, is it still okay for me to give it a shot?

Even if I know deep, deep down that I will probably hurt him in the future (possibly even theΒ not too distant future) ?

Is it okay to go for it, be in the moment, because I’ve given him full disclosure of how I am and what I’m afraid of and he’s still willing to take that risk?

Am I making this waaaaaaay more complicated than it has to be?

I swear, I’m too empathetic for my own good.

And ridiculous

So ridiculous

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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About samlobos

I am an avid fan of creating narratives in my head about random experiences and quotes for future books I will probably not write. I harbor a 15 year old girl in my psyche and like to solve world issues when I'm half asleep. View all posts by samlobos

26 responses to “Help!

  • rachel

    you’re not ridiculous. not even a tiny bit. i hate giving advice…because i’m a loser and a fool..but you did ask for it…

    1. the sex will get better. i know i’m one to talk, but this guy is IN TO YOU…he will try and improve and eventually (because you’re so open) it will be awesome. i promise. don’t quit because of the sex!!

    2. trust him when he says that he won’t break. give it a shot. you’ve been so open and honest and he basically said “BRING IT ON!” so do that. explore this and have fun…see where it will go.

    3. your orgasm metaphor was awesome

    4. i love you

    5. if it doesn’t work our with him will you run away with me and be my lover?

  • Megan

    Oh Sam…. if it’s not clicking for you, it’s not clicking for you. It sounds like you’ve assumed full responsibility for his feelings, and therefore if he gets hurt it’s all your fault. But it’s not. As he told you himself, as long as you’re not doing it on purpose, he’ll be fine.

    You’re being honest with him; that’s all he seems to be asking. So if he’s Mr Right Now, then that’s okay.

    Relax ❀

  • laurelwolfelives

    Shoot, Sam. I’m not the one to give advice. I was married to a man whose idea of foreplay was to say “roll over.” (And, I have no idea what “good sex” is.)
    You have been honest with him so if things don’t work out, it won’t be devastating for him. Somebody might say “you can’t have it all” but I think you can.
    You’ll do what is right for YOU and that is what you must do.

  • survivednarc

    Well..this is a first… I do not have much to give as “advice”, simply because.. the other commenters made such good comments, so I will shut up, The only thing I will say is that I agree with them. And that it was an awesome post!! πŸ˜€

  • makingtimeforme

    This was a wonderful post. I think if it feels good. Go for it. Be honest with him, be honest with yourself and my God. …have fun. Sex can surely get better, something may click and you may not ever break his heart. Cup half full my friend, a positive attitude is everything!

  • smellingmint

    Hello sweetheart I have been following your blog but as I stopped blogging myself, I stopped commenting.

    I feel that you need a break from dating It could be transferring my own experience- I don’t know but you have had so much happen to you over the last few years I think you should take time for yourself to heal and to truly love yourself without the need for external validation.
    I suppose I feel I can say this because we have been so much in the same place for such a long time and we have diverged now. I’m deliberately taking time out to look at other ways of fulfilling myself which don’t involve dating. Looking for intellectual and spiritual stimulation being around people I really want to be around who heal me… I can feel myself making steps to recovery. I’m less self obsessed, calmer, happier… I still hold a deep sadness which gradually is dissipating. Before I embark on dating again I want to not need it. To know I’m beautiful and fun and smart without needing someone to tell me.
    I rarely give advice as I am fully aware we all go at our own pace and often it’s irritating being given another perspective but I’ve been wanting say this for a while having been on that manic dating wheel like you are…
    You are such an amazing woman. Strong articulate beautiful. That’s all xx

    • samlobos

      Hello old friend! It’s lovely to hear from you. 😊 I totally understand what you mean about taking a break from dating. In fact, that’s what I had planned to do, since I had reached a point where I no longer felt I needed anyone. I finally reached a place where I’m okay on my own. This guy took me by surprise. I had no intention of continuing to date him. But there is something different about being with him. I don’t feel like I need him. I don’t keep him around to fill a void. I genuinely enjoy his company. I’ll write more about it. But I know what you are talking about and I’ve been pursuing ways to spend time with me. But he’s not part of that old sense of needing to fill a void. I know that if it doesn’t work out, I’ll be okay not dating for awhile. Thank you for your input. I’m glad you are doing well. πŸ˜ŠπŸ’™

  • Yessica

    You have nothing to feel guilty of. It might work, it might not work. But you won’t know, unless you try. It won’t be your fault if it doesn’t work out. So that’s the best you can do now, give what you have and enjoy the moment πŸ™‚ Sending you good vibes.

  • thelonelyauthorblog

    Don’t call yourself ridiculous. Nice write. I feel for you.

  • lifeofrose11

    Havig sex with him won’t make you love him. Falling in love with him will make the sex feel better.

  • thetruthandpurpose

    I’m following along, but lately it’s hard for me to give objective feedback. I’ve been where you are, in a sense. I know I can only speak for myself…I had a pattern of behavior that for years I couldn’t understand and then once I did, couldn’t will myself to change. I would put my foot down every other week about this man or that man. I’d decide I didn’t care and that I should be able to play with whoever, whenever. I’d decide no more men. I’d decide only to talk to them. I’d ultimately end up in bed with them. I’d end up disappointed on a multitude of levels. I’d be disappointed in myself because I couldn’t stop getting into situations where I’d get hurt or hurt someone. Even after I left my crazy marriage, after I’d sought recovery, I still struggled with it.

    And sometimes I see myself in your posts. I see someone determined to make her way, to define her own direction and fully realize the woman she feels she is. I see her baffled by her own decisions when it comes to men, and I see her rally to continue in in the face of a struggle she is determined to overcome. I see her get up and dust herself off, only to fall down again. My heart hurts because I know how it feels to give in to pleasure and attraction, to revel in being wanted, to celebrate flirtation and seduction, to feel protective of and sometimes repulsion by a man’s expression of seemingly genuine feelings. And I know the ache and break of loss and rejection, the sting of ambivalence and unrequited passion. The disgust at unwanted advances.

    I see things in you that were me when I was younger, and I admit I fret and get quiet. I don’t want to project my history on to you. I also don’t want to shield us from the possibility that a pattern may be emerging here that could ultimately cost you more than a doctor bill.

    I’m here and I support you as a free-thinking, modern woman. Your safety, health and sanity are sacred and you are worthy of love, respect and kindness: By your own hand before anyone else’s.

    Take care of you πŸ™‚

    • samlobos

      Thank you. I appreciate your support and also how you are trying not to project onto me. It must be hard not to. I don’t always know why I do what I do but I do know that with every new experience, I learn more about myself and I get clearer in what I want, even if it doesn’t always seem like it. But unfortunately that means that I stumble around in the meantime and make mistakes. I will be okay. I know this. Thank you for caring enough to say something. πŸ’™

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