Fear of falling

So this is what it’s like to fall consciously.

It’s a different world for me.

I’m used to things just happening.

Hitting me right in my face, then dealing with the repercussions.

Mr. Artist is an amazing man.

I spent time with him on Thursday night.

We went to a local outdoor mall, which is actually quite pretty and just walked around.

As per my request, he allowed me to initiate any affection, from the greeting kiss to holding his hand.

I loved it.

It felt like being courted.

We talk very openly about our relationship and the “rules” I have placed on it for now until I am completely comfortable in being fully intimate with him.

I had teased him the day before, asking how many “special” friends he had, mostly because I am very curious about the dating patterns of men.

He brought it up during our walk and asked if I had teased him because it was something I really wanted to know about.

I told him no, that I’m not a jealous person and it was his choice if he wanted to see other people or not.

He mentioned that he knew that I had stopped dating myself and I corrected him.

I told him that I took down my profile to stop meeting new guys, but there were pre-existing men I had been dating.

Then I told him that I was choosing to only date him and I had broke the news to two of the men in my “rotation” earlier in the day. (More on that in a bit)

He confessed to me he had done the same.

In fact, he had done so even before I gave him another chance.

He told me that when I told him I was no longer interested in him early last week, he went on a date with another woman later during it.

He hesitated to tell me the rest.

I waited, expecting him to say that he slept with her or something like that.

Instead he said, “I kissed her and…it just didn’t feel right. I kinda wished it was you.”

Internally I melted.

And gave him a passionate kiss in the middle of Hot Topic.

We sat for awhile and he told me his nerdy theory about how brown widows are taking over black widow spiders (don’t ask) and I kept thinking how adorable he is.

We talked about how special we are to each other.

He thinks I’m special because I’ve “changed” him somehow.

I told him he’s special because I have personal word vomit with him.

Kissing him felt more intimate than the hottest sex.

Speaking of sex, yes, I know he is dying.

He told me that he very much wants to be physically intimate with me, but that he enjoys just being with me and he knows that sex can sometimes get in the way of really knowing if you actually want to be with someone. He said that because we are getting to know each other first, it’s clear to him that he can be with me even without sex.

I’m not intending to make him wait too much longer.

I’m just thoroughly enjoying being wanted emotionally and mentally.

Having my mind and heart discovered and cherished by another who wants them just as much as they want my body.

I know all too well what it’s like to be sexually desired.

It’s a rush and it’s flattering.

But it’s also superficial and fleeting.

This is different.

He is different.

I find my eyes wanting to take him in.

I feel them softening as I watch him.

My voice is more tender when talking to him.

I fear I’m falling in love.

There is no anxiety, no butterflies, or electricity when I think about him.

Instead, there’s a warmth that makes my heart flutter, makes me catch my breath and uncontrollably smile.

I go to bed thinking about him and wake up thinking about him.

I haven’t smiled this much in a long time.

I think I’m glowing.

As for the other guys, 25 asked me out on Tuesday and I told him I couldn’t because I was going to dinner with friends (which was true). Then he contacted me on Thursday and said that he missed me and wanted to see me again. I told him that I had started seeing someone I met before I met him (also true). He said, “oh, okay” and that was it. I told him I enjoyed spending time with him but he never responded.

Boy Toy (the 20 year old) returned as well, telling me that he missed me. He convinced me to do Face Time on Wednesday night and well, I had a good time. But Thursday morning, I told him I couldn’t talk to him anymore, because I was going to be seeing a really nice guy. He was disappointed, but respected it.

The only one I need to tell is Mr. Awkward, if he ever contacts me again. He hasn’t so far so I figure it’s not a big deal.

Mr. Artist…

What am I to do when this man is so intent on securing my heart?

I’m trying to be present, to just let things progress as they are meant to be.

It all feels right.

Perfect.

I’m trying not to be scared.

Because I feel myself falling.

Hell, who am I kidding?

I’m already there.

I just don’t want to admit it yet.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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