One step forward, two steps back

I deleted my account on Ok Cupid today.

It was getting out of control.

I was getting out of control.

I had to stop.

Let me explain.

As of Friday, I thought my interests had dwindled down to one, 25.

I was okay with this.

Balancing more than a few guys at once can be exhausting.

Then Friday morning this other guy contacted me on OkC and he wanted to hang out.

I’ve been feeling restless about the whole dating thing for a while and so I wasn’t that excited to take him up on the offer.

So I took a nap after work instead.

I woke from my nap to several messages from Mr. Awkward.

Yup, the son of a bitch came back.

After his persistence, I agreed to spend some time with him.

While getting dinner, I let it slip that I had been seeing other guys and that I didn’t think I’d ever hear from him again because it had been two weeks of nothing.

He explained he had a lot of baby mama drama and was working and that is why he didn’t contact me. Time just got away from him.

He seemed a bit concerned that I had been seeing other guys and wanted to know more about 25 specifically because I told him about the date I had scheduled with him.

I explained I was still up in the air about how I felt about him.

Back at my place, Mr. Awkward tried to put the moves on me.

I accused him of only wanting to see me for sex.

I’ve accused him of this several times.

He swears that’s not true, and maybe it isn’t.

But he’s always uncontrollably turned on around me.

I told him we weren’t having sex.

And we didn’t.

I do have a hickey on my left boob and he got jerked off, but no sex.

He was sleepy afterwards and cuddled with me, falling asleep and saying maybe he could spend the night.

I have mixed feelings about Mr. Awkward.

On one hand, I like him and am strangely attracted to him but on the other hand, he frustrates the hell out of me and says all the wrong things.

I don’t think he’s right for me.

As we were cuddling, I got a text.

I thought it was from the guy I had just started talking to, but it wasn’t.

It was Mr. K.

My heart sank when I saw the number because I know the area code.

I double checked by typing in his name as if to text him and sure enough the same number came up. (On iPhones if you’ve ever saved someone’s number on your phone, even when you delete it, if you type in their name to text them, the number will still pop up. I found this out on accident).

The message just said : “Check this video out on YouTube” and included a link.

When I realized who the message was from, I whispered, “Fuck” and Mr. Awkward, who was half asleep on the sofa asked, “What happened?”

I was so upset that I told him it was just some guy who I had liked a lot and didn’t talk to anymore who just texted me.

Mr. Awkward just laid there and didn’t say anything.

I told him I wanted to be alone.

He got up, hugged me and left.

The video was a link to a song. I didn’t understand why he would send it to me and wondered if he had done it accidentally.

I messaged him back asking him why he sent it to me.

It was really late so I didn’t expect a response back.

In the morning, I saw that he responded about 45 minutes after I’d gone to bed saying that the song was from a movie we had watched when he came over in November and he couldn’t remember who sang it at the time but now he did.

I asked if that was all he wanted to tell me.

He said that he wanted to know how I was doing but didn’t want me to “misconstrue” it.

I asked him, “Misconstrue how?”

He said, “By thinking I want to rekindle things.”

I asked him why he cared how I was.

He said, “Because you are a good person and I like you.”

I told him I was very good and he could rest assured that I was okay and I hoped he was the same.

He wanted to know what was new.

I told him I had been dating and working.

We talked about dating for a bit.

He didn’t try to drill me for details like he usually does, probably because he’s finally getting some from two other girls.

I finally told him that it was not fair for him to keep popping up into my life like this. That it was difficult for me to say goodbye every time.

He apologized and said that he just remembered the song, that it won’t happen again and he would delete my number.

I told him that I know I care about him more than he cares about me and I’m trying to let go. That I get reminded of him all the time but I stop myself from contacting him.

He apologized again and said he didn’t mean to make it difficult and that he shouldn’t have texted.

I told him how I didn’t want to have to say goodbye to him again and how it’s bad enough that I miss and think about him and being in contact with him makes it worse.

He said he was confused because it seems like I don’t like when he contacts me and I don’t like when he doesn’t.

I told him that of course I like when he contacts me because I like him but it’s not good for me.

The last thing I wrote (I have no pride when I care about someone, by the way. Not sure if you’ve noticed that yet) was this:

“Please understand. I’m always going to want you. And whenever you come back and say nothing’s changed, it just hurts me. That’s why I have to stay away. I can’t want and hope for someone who doesn’t want me. Goodbye (Mr. K)”

He replied, “Goodbye”

Then I cried.

While in my truck the parking lot right after saying goodbye to 25.

You see, we had a date and I was preoccupied with Mr. K having contacted me during it but 25 didn’t seem to notice.

He grabbed my hand as we walked around after lunch and held it firmly in his then he turned me around to face him and hugged me for a long time, nuzzling his face in my neck.

He slowly pulled away but kept me facing him while still embraced and I kissed his cheek.

He put his lips on my face, not kissing me but sort of dragged them across my cheek and then ever so softly kissed my lips.

Then the kisses became firmer and he softly bit my lip.

We stood there making out for a bit.

Cars passed by and honked at us.

Someone shouted, “Awww”.

He’s a passionate little kisser.

This happened right as I was beginning to think our relationship was going to be asexual.

He asked me if I still wanted to keep seeing him and I said yes.

I like his company but I’m not sure how I feel about him.

We hardly talk in between dates.

He’s not much of a talker or texter and while we get along, there’s no “spark” so far.

Whatever that means.

So I went home and cried about Mr. K because I don’t know why I like him so much but I do and it also triggers my heartbreak over Mr. Nerd.

Yes, it all goes back to him.

Mr. K triggers me so bad because here is another man who is unwilling to be with me even though I want to be with him.

And he does not deserve my affection or tears.

Just like Mr. Nerd.

I texted my friend, Emma, about what happened and she told me that I am a good person and I’m too good for Mr. K.

She’s right.

It got me thinking, what am I doing?

Why am I giving any part of myself to these men I date who don’t deserve me?

Who just want to take?

Why am I wasting my time?

I also got to thinking that I was reaching a place where I was content and feeling good and all it took was one text from Mr. K to send me into a small tailspin.

Why do I allow these men to complicate my life?

So I deleted my Ok Cupid profile because I need a break.

I’m tired of the games and complications.

And I was becoming this player, this girl who is with one guy while texting another while having plans with a different guy later.

That’s not me.

I don’t want to become jaded and play the field anymore, even if everyone else is.

It was fun for a little while but it’s not fun anymore.

I’m going to ride it out and see what happens with these current guys and if things fizzle, so be it.

I’m done.

I don’t want to play anymore.








About samlobos

I am an avid fan of creating narratives in my head about random experiences and quotes for future books I will probably not write. I harbor a 15 year old girl in my psyche and like to solve world issues when I'm half asleep. View all posts by samlobos

29 responses to “One step forward, two steps back

  • rachel

    maybe it’s time for a breather.

  • Ankit

    If dating was a sport, you could have won gold each time. 😉 All the good things that are said for you, by the unknowns or by your friend are true. You’re surely good, time to start eating less sugar. 😀
    Hope you find the one, the only one who proves everything right to you. Take care!

  • laurelwolfelives

    My goodness, Sam. What an emotional roller coaster you’re on. 😦
    I laughed about the boob hickey….I’ve never had one of those! You’re too special to not be treated right….by the way…..what was the song?
    And….you’re not a player….you’re just trying to find your way. Hugs.

  • wonderme12

    You’ve thought this through (quite beautifully, I may add!) and it sounds like you are on the right track. You deserve the package deal – and you are finding pieces here and there.. the good thing is that it is helping you to determine what it is you want/need. It’s frustrating, but will lead you in the right direction XO

    • samlobos

      Thank you, honey. It does feel like the right thing for me right now. Once I erased it, I felt relief. Calm. It’s been such a ride of extreme highs and lows. I’m ready to be on level ground for a bit. I love your comment. Makes me feel validated. 💙

  • wonderme12

    Also, because i’m a music nerd, may I ask what song he sent you?

  • survivednarc

    Gaah, I get so frustrated! Not at you, of course, but mostly with mr. K and mr. Awkward. Ok, mostly mr. K. What the F***? sending a song after quite a while, that is complete BS!! I’m sorry, but it is. You simply do NOT disturb a person who has made it clear that they want to move on… that is just so inconsiderate… 😦 I am glad he seemed to realize and I hope he never pops up again. All he seems to do is tear open a wound.
    And mr. Awkward… I am sorry, but if you care about someone, you don’t just let 2 weeks disappear without a word… lame of him.
    I am sorry you are experienceing these things. I think you are very wise to put the brakes on things, take a break. You express your feelings about this in a beuatiful way. I totally get it. I wish you peace of mind, friend. You deserve the best – the complete package as someone else said!!! XO

    • samlobos

      Thank you, lovely. 💙 it is sooo frustrating. Mr K is selfish and thinks mostly about what he wants, and what he wants are parts of me. Not the whole me. And no matter what sweet things he’s said before, he’s also been insensitive and cold, like perfecting to watch a movie instead of talking to me on the phone because everything is on his terms. Mind you, he had tried calling me twice earlier but I was with friends so when I had time to get back to him, he was “busy”.
      And Mr Awkward!!! I told him if he wants to continue seeing me, he’s going to have to communicate more. I like him but not enough to keep putting up with bullshit.
      It’s frustrating and quite discouraging. I keep looking up at the sky and praying that the right one is out there. All I need is patience. 💙

      • survivednarc

        Yes, I completely understand you…! I am thinking of something that my mother once said to me. That if you meet someone, and it is truly love, then there shouldn’t be any real “problems” or “discomfort” or “negative feelings”, really. Well, of course there will be , with time passing and so on… but according to my mother, it should at least be smooth sailing for the first year or so, together… if I look back at the healthy romantic relationships I have had ( yes I have had a few of those too, hehehe), then it matches what she said…. oddly enough. I never felt insecure or disturbed by things, for a long time, in the healthy relationships. So maybe there is some truth in that.

        I do hope you meet someone who treats you with the utmost respect, caring, and honesty. You deserve nothing less, never forget that. 🙂 xo

  • thelonelyauthorblog

    Sometimes we need to take a step back to rest. You did the right thing.

  • emmagc75

    You are always so honest about your feelings. I think all this dating was necessary because you didn’t do it when you were younger. Now you know better what you like and what you’re looking for. Hugs xo.

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