I know what I want now.
It is suddenly so clear to me.
I want to be on my own, alone.
In fact, I’m craving it.
What a stark contrast to everything I’ve been pursuing.
This past week has been a whirlwind.
I’ve gotten everything I thought I wanted.
Mr. Artist is an inch short of perfect.
I greet him in pajamas, glasses and no make up and he looks at me like I’m a model and tells me how beautiful I am.
He tells me I’m wonderful.
I can tell him anything, even about the previous men, and it doesn’t seem to matter.
He tells me how I’m changing him to want to be a better man for me, himself and the world around him.
How he didn’t want anything serious but after meeting me, that changed.
How he hasn’t waited to have sex with a woman since his first love and how excited he is to get to know me the right way first.
How he doesn’t mind waiting.
How he is perfectly fine with pleasuring me only, if that is what I want.
He also has a vagina fetish.
It’s like I won the lottery.
Last night, after some sensual kissing, he told me that I just needed to say the word and he’d go down on me.
I said the word.
He was there for at least 20 minutes until I came, probably longer, I can’t be sure because I was a bit preoccupied. 😉
Afterwards he kissed me and held me and told me how good I tasted, how seductively I smelled, and how beautiful “she” was and that he could easily become obsessed with “her”.
This was after he cooked for me and did the dishes (I helped, of course).
Today he called me and said how amazing it was to “explore” me last night but how he felt we should get back on track to getting to know each other and suggested things we do more recreational things outside of my place.
Like I said, he’s a hairline away from perfect.
So what’s my problem?
I should be thrilled, over the moon, head in the clouds, butterflies galore…
But I’m not.
I enjoy his company, I’m attracted enough to him, and I think he’s an amazing guy, but it’s just not there for me.
I wonder if he were someone else, if I would feel differently.
I’m not sure, maybe, maybe not.
What I do know is that after all my crying and complaining and whining about how I want to meet a decent guy and have a steady relationship, I have gotten to the point where what I really want is to just enjoy being with myself.
I am frustrating, yes.
Feel free to slap me.
It’s not even about being commitment-phobic anymore.
I just really miss and crave spending time with myself, doing whatever I want, however I want to.
My perspective has shifted significantly from avoiding the loneliness of being alone to finding excitement in being alone without necessarily feeling lonely.
This is a HUGE change for me.
One I’ve been striving to achieve since I left my ex-wife.
I’m really, really excited about it.
I don’t want to hurt Mr. Artist.
I don’t want to lead him on but I don’t necessarily want to stop seeing him.
I do need some space and I will let him know this, gradually and gently.
But I can feel that he is way more into me than I am into him and he is thinking long term about me.
Like potentially lifetime long term.
And I don’t feel that way about him.
I wish I did, he really is amazing.
I know it’s only been a week and a day, but I know when I’m really passionate about someone and as much as I’ve tried to be, I just don’t feel that way about him.
I’m not sure what I’m going to do.
Regardless of how things turn out, I know that in the end, I’ll have myself and for the first time in a looooooong time, I’m really looking forward to spending time with me.