Me, myself, and I

I know what I want now.

It is suddenly so clear to me.

I want to be on my own, alone.

In fact, I’m craving it.

What a stark contrast to everything I’ve been pursuing.

This past week has been a whirlwind.

I’ve gotten everything I thought I wanted.

Mr. Artist is an inch short of perfect.

I greet him in pajamas, glasses and no make up and he looks at me like I’m a model and tells me how beautiful I am.

He tells me I’m wonderful.

I can tell him anything, even about the previous men, and it doesn’t seem to matter.

He tells me how I’m changing him to want to be a better man for me, himself and the world around him.

How he didn’t want anything serious but after meeting me, that changed.

How he hasn’t waited to have sex with a woman since his first love and how excited he is to get to know me the right way first.

How he doesn’t mind waiting.

How he is perfectly fine with pleasuring me only, if that is what I want.

He also has a vagina fetish.

It’s like I won the lottery.

Last night, after some sensual kissing, he told me that I just needed to say the word and he’d go down on me.

I said the word.

He was there for at least 20 minutes until I came, probably longer, I can’t be sure because I was a bit preoccupied. 😉

Afterwards he kissed me and held me and told me how good I tasted, how seductively I smelled,  and how beautiful “she” was and that he could easily become obsessed with “her”.

This was after he cooked for me and did the dishes (I helped, of course).

Today he called me and said how amazing it was to “explore” me last night but how he felt we should get back on track to getting to know each other and suggested things we do more recreational things outside of my place.

Like I said, he’s a hairline away from perfect.

So what’s my problem?

I should be thrilled, over the moon, head in the clouds, butterflies galore…

But I’m not.

I enjoy his company, I’m attracted enough to him, and I think he’s an amazing guy, but it’s just not there for me.

That click.

I wonder if he were someone else, if I would feel differently.

I’m not sure, maybe, maybe not.

What I do know is that after all my crying and complaining and whining about how I want to meet a decent guy and have a steady relationship, I have gotten to the point where what I really want is to just enjoy being with myself.

I am frustrating, yes.

Feel free to slap me.

It’s not even about being commitment-phobic anymore.

I just really miss and crave spending time with myself, doing whatever I want, however I want to.

My perspective has shifted significantly from avoiding the loneliness of being alone to finding excitement in being alone without necessarily feeling lonely.

This is a HUGE change for me.

One I’ve been striving to achieve since I left my ex-wife.

I’m really, really excited about it.

I don’t want to hurt Mr. Artist.

I don’t want to lead him on but I don’t necessarily want to stop seeing him.

I do need some space and I will let him know this, gradually and gently.

But I can feel that he is way more into me than I am into him and he is thinking long term about me.

Like potentially lifetime long term.

And I don’t feel that way about him.

I wish I did, he really is amazing.

I know it’s only been a week and a day, but I know when I’m really passionate about someone and as much as I’ve tried to be, I just don’t feel that way about him.

I’m not sure what I’m going to do.

Regardless of how things turn out, I know that in the end, I’ll have myself and for the first time in a looooooong time, I’m really looking forward to spending time with me.

 

 

 

 

 

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About samlobos

I am an avid fan of creating narratives in my head about random experiences and quotes for future books I will probably not write. I harbor a 15 year old girl in my psyche and like to solve world issues when I'm half asleep. View all posts by samlobos

29 responses to “Me, myself, and I

  • Rosie // Hookup Culture

    I can totally relate to this. Sometimes being alone is the best way to know what you really want!

    • samlobos

      What’s funny is that what I really want right now is to be single. I don’t even care if I date. Or have sex. That is something I didn’t think I’d ever get to want.

  • laurelwolfelives

    This is probably a stupid question but what is a “vagina fetish?” Is that somebody who likes women?

  • savingshards

    Sam…Sam…this is good. No, this is GOOD! This: “My perspective has shifted significantly from avoiding the loneliness of being alone to finding excitement in being alone without necessarily feeling lonely.” What a beautiful thing, a great place to be. Now finding your voice to share this with him authentically…but you can.

    • samlobos

      Thank you! 😄 It feels wonderful, almost like I’ve fallen in love with myself! I know I have to tell him where I’m at so as not to hurt him more than I know I already am going to. 💙

  • sonofabeach96

    First of all, I get wanting to be alone. That’s me. But when I met my wife and then had kids, I sacrificed it. It’s good, but I totally get where you’re comin from on that. Secondly, you don’t have to apologize for not “feeling” it. You do or you don’t. It’s largely outta ones control. But I’d make sure he’s aware of these developments. Leading him on and eventually breaking his heart, potentially, is apology worthy. Just talk to him. Hopefully he understands your position. And lastly, you know you’ll “feel” it when it’s right. Better to be alone than with the wrong person. Just my two cents though. 😃

  • survivednarc

    All good things, all good things! Very happy to hear this! And glad you got some nice “action”, too… 😉 Yes, let him down gently on the ground, the guy seems really sweet. I am glad you are in such a good place! Hugs!

    • samlobos

      Thank you. 😊 he’s incredibly sweet and so I have to be gentle with the timing. I can’t do it yet, I think he’ll feel used, which is the furthest thing from what it was. But I won’t let it progress before being honest.

      I’m just so incredibly happy I finally found a good place to be.

  • wonderme12

    So happy for you – first, because you’ve found someone who absolutely seems sincere! But mostly because second – you’ve found a way to love yourself. How I long for that 🙂 it seems to be the first step to so much else xo

  • emmagc75

    Um ok I’m confused lol. For months you have been telling me ur lonely! I think its cause he’s short lol. And I get it. I turned down Matt Damon buying me a beer years ago (before he won the oscar n became famous) one night in the city cause he was too short for me lol. Whatever you decide, just find some joy n laughter ok? Hugs!

    • samlobos

      Lol! You are hilarious!! It’s true that I’m not as attracted to him as I want to be. Attraction is weird. But the main thing is, that I know what being with a great guy is like and the best part still is that I no longer feel like I will be lonely being on my own!! 😁

  • creativerational

    I think it’s ok to want to be alone. And it’s ok to enjoy his company as it is right now. And I think it’s ok to let it be even if you don’t get butterflies. You know who didn’t have butterflies? My grandparents. Married 73 years. Gently, lovingly devoted to each other, even though my gramma was so scared at first to be married a man who talked so little. Sometimes forever doesn’t start with crazy passion. Or it builds.

  • lifeaslucyjane

    I’m really glad that you’ve figured out what you want 🙂 and I hope Mr Artist understands!

  • thelonelyauthorblog

    You are never alone when you remember you have yourself. There is peace, strength, and harmony in self. I enjoyed reading this post.

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