How can so much happen in the span of an evening?
My life makes for good reading for everyone else, emotional exhaustion for me.
I had sex with Sex Boy this evening.
Well, let me back up to the start.
Last night I went out with The Artist. We walked around a quaint little downtown. He held my hand, he offered to buy me tea or something else to drink, he told me I had beautiful eyes. He was perfectly gentlemanly.
While walking around however, I found myself growing restless. Bored, even.
He might have been talking a little bit too much about himself and his experiences. Focusing a bit too much on trying to impress with his knowledge and creativity and less on actually getting to know me.
Some men make that mistake.
I understand, I’m a tough audience. I’m not easily impressed and my quietness can be intimidating.
I decided that it would not work out between us (because I’m brutal that way) and decided I would let him know this eventually.
When it came to say goodnight, he kissed me and my God he is such a good kisser! I felt a twinge of guilt enjoying shamelessly making out with him, knowing that I would later on tell him I wasn’t feeling a romantic connection.
I got home and he sent me a message telling me how much he enjoys my company and how he wants to see me again.
I knew I had to rip off the Band Aid and tell him how I was feeling. I did, fully expecting him to bow out and wish me luck or get upset and confused.
Instead he proposed to me that we have sex to see if it works out and if not, then no harm done. It sounds more crude than how he actually said it. He actually told me how wonderful he thinks I am and how he would love to explore me. He said he wants to pleasure my senses and lots of other, romantic/erotic things that every woman would like to hear.
I brushed it off, telling him I wouldn’t feel right about using him for sex. (I keep forgetting that men NEVER feel used for sex. It’s the woman in me that feels that way). He assured me this would not be the case and offered guilt free, no strings attached, sex geared solely to pleasure me however I wanted to be pleasured.
I am a hot blooded woman who loves sex. This was absolutely a temptation, especially given that I know how well he can work his tongue.
We went back and forth, and after much persuasion on his part, I agreed.
Tomorrow night was to be the night of erotic pleasures.
Except that Sex Boy contacted me and pressed to see me last minute today before he had to go to work.
I might have been turned on already because of all that talk with The Artist and Sex Boy has been really working on me as well, so I agreed.
He came over and things just went so fast.
I know hardly anything about him and I was trying to talk to get to know him and then we were having sex. Just like that.
Afterwards, I felt this emptiness and realized that it was not what I had wanted. That it was the opposite of what I wanted. I wanted to get to know him, feel a connection with him, and then consider sex.
For the record, he is the opposite of a jerk. He is not the player/hook up type at all. He just seems like a good guy who was really, really horny and for whatever reason, decided he liked me despite not knowing anything about me.
He contacted me after to ask how it was for me.
I told him that things went really fast and I didn’t think I wanted to do it again.
He immediately apologized and said how bad he felt, how he wasn’t usually like that.
I told him that I had wanted to get to know him first and that I’m not used to hook ups.
He said he didn’t intend it to be that way, that he wasn’t used to hook ups either and wanted to see me again.
I told him I wasn’t sure that I wanted to.
Then he took down his pictures on OkC and said he would keep his profile up if I wanted to reach him but that he felt really bad about how I felt and didn’t even want to use the site anymore.
I told him he didn’t need to do that and my intent wasn’t to make him feel guilty but he said he was okay with just concentrating on working and leaving it up to me to contact him if I wanted to.
This experience made me reconsider The Artist’s proposal and I immediately sent him a message telling him that I didn’t think I wanted to go through with our plans for tomorrow evening. I was honest and straightforward about where I was at emotionally and mentally.
He responded that he understood if I was certain that I didn’t want to give it a try but shared how he thinks it would be a wonderful experience and how we have a connection, etc.
I explained that I don’t want to have sex without a connection anymore.
He called me and explained how that is the last thing he wants, that he wants to get to know me and the only reason he proposed what he did is because he felt me withdraw from him when I told him I didn’t feel a romantic connection to him. He was basically pulling out all the stops because he finds me to be a great woman and he feels this would be a wonderful experience for both of us
In all honestly, the way he spoke and the things he said, were all the right things. Things I’ve wanted to hear for a long time. He said how he respected me and my integrity in being honest with him and communicating without playing games. He told me how wonderful he thinks I am, how he understands that I feel confused and how he is willing to give me space or go at whatever pace I choose.
He also said he thinks that despite my insistence that there is not romantic connection, that he thinks there is one but maybe because I know there is no way it can become serious, I am stopping it before it starts.
Maybe. Maybe not.
I told him I would like to slow down and get to know him more before considering sex. He agreed and said he enjoys spending time with me so it’s a win/win for him.
I am trying to be present.
To be in the moment.
But I am also trying to listen to myself and discern between fear and what I actually feel.
So maybe I stumbled a little tonight.
Tripped over a branch, made an impulsive decision and semi-regret it.
I’m okay, I live and I learn.
I know what I know now and that’s a valuable lesson.
Whatever happens, whether I continue to see The Artist or not, I know that I will be just fine.
With or without him or any other man in my life.
I come first.