“I love to cuddle.”
The first thought that comes to mind when I hear this is “sex”.
That’s because to me, cuddling leads to sex.
I might just be every man’s fantasy in that area.
The only time cuddling will not lead to sex is if I am crying or dead tired.
Then watch out, because I will cut you if you try anything during those times.
I LOVE to be touched.
Emphasis on LOVE.
It turns me on to no end.
I LOVE touching.
This also turns me on to no end.
My ex and I could NEVER lay too close to each other because it would always turn into sex.
I kid you not.
We never cuddled at night because then we wouldn’t sleep.
It was that simple.
I tend to be more of the initiator.
I can’t help it.
I start to feel tingles in certain areas and then my hands start to wander.
Then forget it when the kissing starts…game over… someone will be calling out “sick” to work in the morning.
So Monday night I got contacted by Mr. Awkward.
I know, I’ve talked so much shit about him, why is he still around?!?
Trust me, no one is more surprised than I am.
Everything I’ve complained to you about him on here, I’ve flat out told him.
I’ve written him off at least three times.
But he still keeps coming back.
Most guys would have whimpered away to nurse their egos with the way and amount of times I have verbally bitch slapped him.
The guy is persistent.
I’m not sure which it is yet.
So Monday, he contacted me and invited me to dinner.
I told him I already ate.
I was “done” with him (again) and so I was very flippant in how I responded to him.
My evening was going to consist of watching TV and painting my nails and I was content with that.
He kept at it, saying that I could just “come with” and other different things to let me know that he wanted my company.
At first I just said no, then I started coming up with lame excuses, but with each refusal, he kept coming back at me and for whatever reason, I finally agreed.
(Looking back, I think I subconsciously wanted to spend time with him)
So he came and picked me up and drove me to this Mexican restaurant in Claremont.
My guard was waaaaay up because I was actively reminding myself that he has issues and those issues don’t work for me.
But then these pesky warm feelings started to make their way into my heart during the drive and I became incredibly disturbed as to why I agreed to go out with him and why I found him so endearing.
But I fought those positive feelings the whole drive there.
I was determined not to like him.
I was looking for any reason.
We got to the restaurant and I didn’t order anything but water because I wasn’t hungry.
He was starving.
He asked me what I would order if I were eating and I told him and he ordered that without blinking.
Warm feelings got a little warmer.
As we were waiting he told me about his family from New Jersey that is visiting next week and shared some stories about him and his cousin when they were younger. There was something almost childlike in the way he talked about his family, like he truly enjoys them.
Warm feelings started spreading.
He thanked me for joining him and made comments about taking me to try other restaurants when I was actually hungry. He said this sincerely and confidently, certain in his intent to take me out again.
Warm slowly begins turning hot.
We leave and he asked me what I thought about the restaurant. It was in the way he looked and smiled at me, that it felt like he was searching for my approval.
Feeling is hot now.
He drove me to my place and I asked him if he was going to get off to come inside. He asked me if I wanted him to. I told him that if he wanted to come inside, he could.
We sat on the couch and he laid his head back and closed his eyes while I played with Valentine.
I looked at him and he smiled at me sleepily.
He suggested that we go lay down for a “nap.”
I gave him a “look” and said, “Yeah right” but then he got up, took my hands and led me to my feet. I cursed myself for going along with it because I was determined not to fall for it. He hugged me from behind as we walked over to my bed.
We laid down and he spooned me, his arms wrapped over mine.
I waited for him to try anything: wandering hands, small kisses, whatever, to prove to myself that he had a hidden agenda and therefore he was mud.
He didn’t move and his breath got slower and deeper.
His chest moved in a consistent rhythm.
HE FELL ASLEEP!!!!
Like legitimately knocked out.
I laid there for a little bit wondering if it was a ruse.
Like maybe he was just pretending or it was a shallow sleep.
I rustled and adjusted in his arms to turn ever so slightly so I could glace back at him.
He didn’t move.
I stayed still, mostly because I was flabbergasted that he was asleep and then also because I realized that I really wanted to kiss him.
Like a whoa.
I wrestled with this thought.
He doesn’t like to kiss.
This is a deal breaker for me.
I need someone who enjoys kissing me.
I’ve told him this before.
But in that moment, I really, really wanted to kiss him.
So I slowly struggled to turn around to face him without waking him up entirely.
I was semi-successful.
His eyes were still closed and he smiled half consciously.
I leaned in and kissed him.
He kissed back!
I kept kissing him until he completely woke up.
He kept up and kissed me back.
It became more passionate.
Feelings went to a boil.
Needless to say, I took over and had my way with him.
More than once, at my insistence.
He was completely but pleasantly surprised.
Afterwards he even amusingly said, “You initiated that. I just really wanted to cuddle.”
It was not perfect or mind blowing, but I enjoyed it.
It was definitely better than the first time.
I told him so.
He still has some hang ups and is too rigid and anxious to where he has a difficult time loosening up during sex to really enjoy it.
But anyone who’s with me for any amount of time doesn’t stay like that for long.
I don’t know what is going to happen with this.
I am still talking to other guys and I have a date with one on Saturday.
But I find myself thinking about Mr. Awkward more and more and wanting his company.
I even have to fight myself from smiling when I think about him lately.
He is nothing like what I imagined for myself and so I am very cautious and do not want to jump into anything exclusive with him (or anyone else) just yet.
I’m still deciding on whether I like him enough to deal with his crazy.
Part of me is still trying to find reasons not to like him, to prove that he’s not who I want or need.
The rest of me is just going along with it, taking it as it comes and not overthinking.
I’m not tied to anyone yet.
But damn it, he is growing on me!
Just like a stubborn mold.