Is it me?


Is there something about me that says, “Let’s skip the pleasantries and go straight to sex?”

I don’t even get offered dinner.

Or a movie.

Sometimes I don’t even get a name.

Why do I attract soooooooo many horn dogs?

Just this morning, I received a message on OkC from this guy.

It said, “Hey there. How are you? You’re very pretty btw.”

I responded “Thank you. I appreciate it.”

He replied, “Sit on my face ;)”

Okay, Mr. Super Hot 27 year old with a 12 pack and gorgeously sculpted thighs (I have a thing for muscular thighs) I get that you can probably look at a girl and she’ll toss her panties at you, but it is 8:30 am, I am still in bed barely waking up (more on that later) and I don’t even know your name.

I just replied, “Wow, you don’t waste any time.”

“Lol. No I don’t.”


Sitting on a handsome face sounds absolutely divine, but 1) 27 yrs old + super hot= he’s gonna hit and quit it like a hot potato (if it even went as far as him wanting to actually meet. He might have just wanted some sexting for a rise and then disappear) and 2) I want a relationship, complete with passion, connection, and intimacy. Being super hot doesn’t automatically get me all heated up.

So I replied, “I would like to get to know you first,” knowing that this would be the end of the conversation.

I also included, “You probably have no trouble getting women to take you up on that offer, but as tempting as you are, I am looking for a relationship.”

No response.

Goodbye to any chance I had with Super Hot and his thunderous thighs.

Double sigh.

I won’t even go into detail about the guy from Ireland I was snap chatting with over the weekend and how sexually crazy that got real quick, but then he dropped me without warning once he saw me without makeup (guess it ruined the illusion for him. Other guys have asked or have seen me without makeup and were still attracted to me after because apparently I don’t look like two different people, but oh, well)

Or Mr. Awkward and his messages of wanting to “fuck” me or wanting me to ride him (despite me telling him directly that I would not have sex with him again or fool around anymore because it doesn’t work for me.)

There’s the 23 year old who wanted my opinion of his dick.

And lots of other explicit things I’ve been told by men that I’ve never met before and just shared a few messages with, which  I’ve probably blocked out of my head.

Seriously, I tone it down for you all.

If I didn’t, my site would be rated NC-17.

I also keep getting lots of inquiries for hook ups and friends with benefits.

That’s always a no.

I am a hopeless romantic at heart with a naughty streak.

What am I doing wrong when I can’t even get a proper dinner date?

Or like multiple dates with one decent guy?

Or even meet a decent guy?

Or talk to one…consistently.

Am I just pretty enough to hit and quit but not enough to want to keep around?

Is it because I don’t look like a model that these men think I will swoon and jump at the chance for their cheap sex?

And when I have gone along for the ride because maybe I was feeling frisky or wanting some fun, they get their satisfaction and drop off the planet like aliens abducted them.

I’m not a sex toy.

I don’t believe I present myself to be one.

It’s not me, it’s not me, it’s not me.

Or is it?

I don’t even know anymore.

I had a rough couple of days and that’s why I hadn’t written.

Something sad at work that triggered my own personal issues with loss of control, trust, and abandonment.

There was also more dating bullshit that isn’t even worth explaining.

Then my sister had her wedding and I’m happy for her, but it was exhausting.

So I took today off because I’ve been running on low for a while and I know if I don’t take time to regroup and just be by myself, I will crash and burn.

I am okay now.

I’m riding the waves of loneliness and frustration, actively fighting off those pesky negative thoughts and feelings of hopelessness.

It’s tiresome.

But I know the fight is worth it.














About samlobos

I am an avid fan of creating narratives in my head about random experiences and quotes for future books I will probably not write. I harbor a 15 year old girl in my psyche and like to solve world issues when I'm half asleep. View all posts by samlobos

35 responses to “Is it me?

  • Miss Evelyn

    I’m beginning to think virtual means just that. Virtual sex and leave it at that..

  • Casual Procrastinator

    I met my wife on OKC, but it’s actually a place for hooking up. Granted I didn’t know that at the time and she made the profile as a joke… but yeah. Not the ideal place for meeting people, honestly.

    • samlobos

      I don’t even know where to go anymore. Seems like most online dating sites are like this. Even the “popular” ones where you have to pay. I give up.

      • Casual Procrastinator

        Do you ever go to events and talk to guys? It’s suprisingly effective if you do the approaching instead of letting them approach you.

      • samlobos

        Ha,ha! For whatever reason, I intimidate the shit out of men when I approach them first. They look like deer in the headlights. I’m looking into community based outings and activities from Meetups so maybe that might be something.

      • Casual Procrastinator

        Most of my social settings are geek related. And though I love them a lot of my geek brethren suffer from personality quirks that can make them difficult to talk to. So I was gonna suggest you reach out to someone at a bookstore or something. But nah.

      • samlobos

        Lol! And it’s usually the nerdier type of guys that I like. The moderately conventionally handsome/ pretty boys don’t even give me the time of day. Guess singledom is destined to be my kingdom.

      • Casual Procrastinator

        I know of plenty of guys who fall in my kinda group who haven’t paired up yet. Most of them because they think they’re not attractive or bold enough to talk to a girl. The trick is finding a geeky guy who respects women though. That’s a fucking hassle.

      • samlobos

        Yes. So true!!! Mr. Awkward is a perfect example. He’s nice and just nerdy enough, but he has so many issues that prevent me from wanting to pursue more with him. Plus, he just doesn’t get it!!! Ugh 😩

      • Casual Procrastinator

        I was lucky because I had enough experience in my life that I was able to see the light and become a feminist. But if I’m being honest I was pretty shitty to women too.

  • rachel


  • sonofabeach96

    I have no idea what your profile says, but I doubt it’s you, no. I’d say it’s likely due to the nature of the forum your using. Lets put it this way, when I was young and single, and looking for casual only, these dating sites and such were not in existence yet. But if they had been? You bet your ass if have tried it. Not for forever, but for tonight. And I get the older woman attraction too. When I was in my early 20’s, I was attracted to, and was with, a couple of women in their 30’s and one over 40. But they were into casual too, not long-term. I can’t speak for all of course, and this is just my opinion, but I’d guess that OKC is probably not full of dudes looking for a future wife.

  • Just a Gurrl

    I don’t think it’s you, either. I’ve been off & on OKC for three years, usually quitting when I’m disgusted with everyone and going back when there’s nothing else. It’s just a process that sucks, but I can say that’s where I met my current sweetie. Just don’t ask how many frogs I met for coffee beforehand. Short frogs, boring frogs, lying frogs–even a toad or three.

    • samlobos

      Lol! I’m so glad you said that because I feel like, “is this normal?!?” You seem so happy with your beau so it helps me not give into giving up. 😊

      • Just a Gurrl

        Don’t give up! “Never give up; never surrender!” Believe me when I say I know exactly what you mean, but you’re not alone. You have the solidarity of the Internet and single women everywhere. We’re with you and raising a glass to all the good, the bad, and the awkward. And hoping for the best. 🙂

      • samlobos

        I love Galaxy Quest!!!!💙 Ah, you just won my heart!😁

  • kingmaker

    It’s a shame how confidence works. The creeps have in surplus and the nice guys either don’t know what confidence is or they’re battling other social insecurities.

  • Michelle

    My love, it’s not you. You’ve seen my posts too. It’s exhausting. You’re just as beautiful without makeup as you are with makeup. I think that’s what we do, sometimes, in the ache of loneliness.. We let it creep in that it’s us. It’s not. It’s them being keyboard brave… Saying disrespectful things they’d never dream of saying to our faces (because we DO intimidate the shit out of them). It’s not US when we don’t play along, when we know we’re better than that. Just know we are experiencing the same things, different ages, men’s behavior isn’t any different. Hugs, love ❤️

  • survivednarc

    I am just as confused as you…. and wondering where all the normal men have disappeared to… lol. And then I had someone who bullied me/were extremely rude to me (unprovoked, I hadn’t spoken to him)on the dating site a couple of days ago.. and then I just lost my interest in the whole thing.. at least at the time..

    It is not you… it is this crazy culture we are living in… hugs 💜💟💞💗💖

    • samlobos

      😔 I’m sorry you got bullied. I’ll kick his ass!! Let me at him!! 👊🏻💪🏻😡
      Don’t give up lovely friend. There’s still hope for us yet. I believe. 💙💙

      • survivednarc

        Thanks! He was just bitter cause I hadn’t replied to him, so he started saying mean things instead.. lol.
        There must be someone out there for us somewhere! I believe that too! Hang in there, you too😊
        For next month I am considering trying one of the sites where you pay to be a member… should be more serious there, perhaps (I am on a free site now and it sucks lol). 😁 Take care sweetie, you are too good for them all, never forget that 😊🌸🌼🌸🌼

      • samlobos

        😁😎 you help me feel good about myself. 💙 so glad we are friends 😊

  • Ocean Bream

    Ahh, I think it’s the internet. If you met these guys in real life they definitely wouldn’t have the guts to say those things to you. I used to be on a site like that (a friend making site, but you know those horn dogs) and they were all over the place. I guess it’s good to meet a ‘good person’ on the internet, though, because that way you know a guy you meet in real life isn’t secretly one of those ‘internet horn dogs’ because anybody can be anything on le old internet. Still, it’s worth mentioning you aren’t doing anything wrong, is definitely not you, you’re vibrant and interesting and beautiful. It’s that men are pigs, and you’ll locate your relationship material soon 🙂

  • thelonelyauthorblog

    Virtual sex means no sex. I love that Meme. I still prefer to meet people the old fashion way. Face to face.

  • SheIsFemale

    This breaks my heart. I say this in the most honest, humble and respectful way I can: Baby girl, some of it IS you.

    While you’re fuming(I would probably be :P), read on, because this is directed at me as much as it is you.

    It feels from your posts like you’re seeking something that can’t be gotten from dating: Validation. No one can make you believe you are better, prettier, sexier, more awesome than YOU can. I know from this. Maybe I’m too close to it, but your posts exactly mirror my own journal entries from years ago. My heart desperately wanted one thing(LOVE! RESPECT! KINDNESS!), but often I’d ignore my needs and play it loose when I saw something I liked at face value(NICE SMILE, GOOD BODY, FUNNY, SEXY). Then I’d give off a vibe that didn’t match how I really felt and the trouble would begin.

    I can be impulsive and want what I want when I want it. I didn’t really know how to identify my own needs and it felt like it was too hard to be alone, even though I’d have been better off. And I’d suffer. I’d take on men who used me, disappeared, lied, made up their own rules, shared things with me I wasn’t ready to learn…and so on. I blamed them. I felt unworthy. I felt unable to change anything, so why bother. I kept at it until I married the horrorshow that is my ex. And I met tons of men during our open marriage – all of them ready and willing to cheat on their girlfriends and wives, wanting to experiment and play with no strings attached. The supply would have been endless if I’d wanted it. They are out there – these types of people. And if our insides don’t match our outsides, they will find out without either of you trying. They found me after I left my marriage…because I was raw and vulnerable and open to anything that stroked my ego and at least seemed like real attention.

    I want to encourage you to sit with you – and trusted friends – to really figure out what it is you want. Be brutally honest with yourself. Do you want love? Do you want casual dating with no strings? Do you want to take your time getting to know someone? If so, can you keep to that standard when faced with a tempting situation, knowing that holding out will reap its own reward? What lengths are you willing to go to in order to make sure you get what you really want? If you find, as you have been, that the scene isn’t really right for you at this time, are you willing to change tactics, or stop all together in favor of caring for yourself? Do you truly believe you deserve better than what’s been presented to you? If you have doubts about what your needs are, what you will and absolutely will not tolerate, or if you find you are acting against the interests you feel you do have and then having regrets, it’s time to rethink this. It’s not going to get better if you keep on as-is.

    Unless we are putting out specifically what we want and being firm about rejecting those who would dare to try to compromise our values, the creeps and the losers will find us and try to attach themselves and we will find them, over and over. I am learning this on a daily basis. It is hard. But I have been learning that I am truly worth love and respect from a potential partner – whether I eventually meet him online or in person. I can’t suffer fools. I don’t have time for that. Neither do you, lady.

    You don’t have to spend one more minute on those sites. You won’t die if you are single and alone right now. I’ve been in my apartment for almost 5 years, and I have slept alone every night(except 4 times – and only one was worth it) and I’m still alive and kicking. It’s ok to be alone. You are ok. You are wonderful. Some day, someone will know that and honor you. Until that day, you can honor yourself.

    As for dating sites: You deserve better than to even entertain one word uttered by people who ignore what you say when you say you are looking for a relationship. There are ways to block people like this. There are ways to refine dating profiles to exclude people like that, and you have to be willing to be merciless when the sneaky ones slip through the filters. This includes creating your own criteria that you stick by when reviewing their profiles. If they don’t meet it, away they go. They don’t deserve a second of your precious time. You have bigger and better things coming your way. But if you’re not clear on what you will and will not do – if you’re not willing or capable of being merciless, then dating sites may not be right for you at this time. And it’s ok.

    I will totally understand if you are angry. We never want to hear that we bear any responsibility for being mistreated. And I want to be clear that I am not blaming you for anything. You are not responsible for the behavior of others. We do make choices though. Those choices have consequences, good and bad – and you seem to be in a rough patch with that. We are responsible for ourselves, and for our own well-being, and it can suck when the choices we make result in consequences that resemble punishment. We know we deserve better! I want you to know that you are worth caring for, worth your own self-interest and love. You are capable of making choices that will feel good – choices that will encourage you instead of cause you conflict and turmoil. And you don’t have to do anything at all right now.

    I support you and hope you’ll see this as an expression of respect and caring 🙂

    You are smart, talented, creative and beautiful. You deserve to have your needs met. You are worth waiting for.

    • samlobos

      I’m not mad at all. I appreciate your insight and welcome anything that might help me understand myself and my process better. I believe in owning up to my own choices and dealing with the consequences. Dating is clearly a learning process for me. I’m learning a lot about myself and having to figure out what it is I want, don’t want, what I’ll put up with and what I won’t. Things I haven’t had to do in this context before. I have felt or continue to feel some of what you’ve described. I am coming to terms with being single and getting more comfortable in being alone. Slowly, but I am making progress. I can feel it in the little decisions I make daily, things that I don’t tell anyone about but i do for myself and feel proud of. You are right in that I haven’t had a clear idea of what I want and have been too easily swayed away from my boundaries in dating. This is something I’m working on as well. The progress has been slow, but I feel myself getting clearer and clearer every day. I realize that I’m not going to straighten up the dysfunction of lessons taught since childhood in a matter of several months. It will take time. I’ve made mistakes. I will keep making them. But as I learn and become aware, these mistakes will get smaller and fewer in between. I’m currently in a place in my mind where I feel worthy. I just need to work on keeping that and not allowing anyone to affect it. That is my current struggle. I do appreciate the accountability. You’ve given me a lot to think about. 💙💙

      • SheIsFemale

        Just know you’re not alone. The hardest work is sticking to our guns when it feels easier to lay them down and go play instead. I know the pull of a “shiny toy”!

        Reaching out for support is something I find that helps me when I feel even a little unsure. I run it by someone I trust, or I think about what I would tell them if they were in my situation. 🙂

        Here’s to progress!

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