I’m feeling incredibly vulnerable right now.
Maybe it’s hormones.
Yeah, let’s blame it on that.
It feels like everyday is a struggle for me to feel like enough.
Loneliness can make you feel less than.
So can rejection.
I have pretty decent self esteem, enough to accept compliments graciously and have confidence in my abilities.
I’m not insecure in the sense that I constantly need someone to tell me how great I am in order to feel good.
But I do still have insecurities.
Sometimes I feel invisible.
This is a feeling that I’ve struggled with for years.
In my normal, everyday setting, I’m ordinary.
I’m too different to approach but too plain to stand out.
I feel like I don’t fit anywhere.
I’m not a “type”.
I like that, but it’s also isolating.
Here’s something I don’t ever share:
Deep down, I’m really just a nerdy girl who wants to be loved and accepted.
For all the “you’re attractive, you’re sexy” talk, that’s not how I see myself.
I see myself as sweet, awkward, and plain.
Sometimes I look at myself in pictures and think, “That’s not me. That’s not how feel so that can’t be me.”
Or I’ll be told things about myself and wonder what it is other people are seeing that I’m not.
I don’t know how to be “sexy”, not in the way that other girls do.
My sister’s are experts at selfies and posing and doing cute little faces and drawing attention to themselves without effort. I’m nothing like that. I’m a klutzy giant compared to them and other “pretty” girls. I don’t look or act like them.
My favorite book is Jane Eyre.
I identify with Jane completely.
She grows up being neglected and underestimated by everyone around her.
She is told she is “plain”.
But she is fierce, stubborn, and strong-willed.
Secure in who she is but also full of insecurities.
She sees herself as plain and ordinary because she is not a conventional woman, in neither appearance or mannerisms.
And her society worships conventional.
She assumes she is not worthy of attention or admiration because she has not received it for so long.
But the reader sees that she is anything but ordinary and being unconventional makes her the most interesting person in her world.
I am Jane Eyre.
I am lonely and actively trying to fight off self-pity right now because of it.
Tears keep blurring my vision because this is hard for me to write.
These feelings run deep.
Out of all the pictures I’ve shared, I think this one represents exactly how I see myself.
One who is her own person and lives by her own rules.
I think she is beautiful, not because of how she looks but because of who she is.
I just hope someone else eventually sees that too.