I’m a little frustrated at the moment…

I’m really good at slut shaming myself.

I have a hickey.

And it makes me feel like such a whore.

I have really sensitive skin and he sucked a little too hard in the moment and voila, ghetto ass hickey.

 

 

Fan-fucking-tastic!!

I’m really not a whore.

So why do I feel like one every time I sleep with a guy?

This new guy, Mr. Awkward, well, today was the third time I’ve spent time with him and the first time we had sex.

I really like (liked?) him but then after sex he started bringing up this insecure, indecisive bullshit that made me feel like, “Fuck, I fucked up again by sleeping with the wrong guy.”

For the record, I haven’t been with many sexual partners, (5 plus 1 oral only, then my ex-wife=7 total). Is it weird that I have this need to share the exact number of sexual partners I’ve had? That’s me trying to feel better about the fact that it’s all been within the last 4 months (except the ex-wife, that was over a year ago).

ANYWAY, back to Mr. Awkward. Remember, he was the sweet guy who didn’t make any moves on me when he came over the first time? Yeah, well, he came over a second time and that went well, really well. He gave me a massage and then gave me another type of “massage” which was awesome because it was all about me and he didn’t try to sneak sex into it. (I was fair, I “handled” business for him as well).

Today was the third time he came over my place in one week. Things escalated and since I found myself liking him more and more, I let my guard down and went with the moment.

Then he got all weird and started overthinking shit, like he doesn’t know how to balance wanting to date and have sex with another woman while having this 11 month little girl and he went on and on about how he changes his mind about things day by day, which was not reassuring in the least.

I flat out asked him if he liked me and wanted to see me again, specifically saying that we didn’t have to be exclusive or serious right away, we could just “date”.

At first he said “I don’t know” which freaked me out a bit because we had just had sex and I was under the impression he liked me too and I was also laying naked next to him while he had his clothes on (because he didn’t want me to look at him naked and he seems to have some body image issues even though he’s just fine and even though I tried to get him to not put his clothes back on, he put them on anyway) which is a vulnerable place to be with someone.

He stayed with me for a long time, playing music on his phone for me (even though I could have cared less) and skirting away from giving any clear answers I tried to get from him.

I basically don’t want to waste my time if he’s going to get all overthinky, wishy washy, and insecure with me and now I wish I hadn’t had sex with him because he can’t seem to handle how straightforward I am.

There is something horribly wrong when I’m the one being all “don’t overthink things.”

Seriously, what the fuck?!?

It’s not like I was planning a wedding in my head with this guy! I figured it would last maybe 3 months, tops. What I was thinking and hoping for was, “Here’s a nice guy that I like and might have potential to date steadily for a little bit and that would be a nice experience for once.”

So I’m not sure if he’s going to come back around and I’m not sure if I even want to see him again after the tug of war he put me through where he can’t even answer a fucking question straight up.

To make it even better, tomorrow is my sister’s bridal shower and my family will be there and see me rocking my stupid ass hickey. How embarrassing. I tried the whole frozen spoon thing. Nothing. Hopefully makeup will cover it but I’m not optimistic.

I fucking hate this fucking shit!!!!!

Can you tell I’m frustrated?!?

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck this fucking fuckery!!!!!!

 

 

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About samlobos

I am an avid fan of creating narratives in my head about random experiences and quotes for future books I will probably not write. I harbor a 15 year old girl in my psyche and like to solve world issues when I'm half asleep. View all posts by samlobos

23 responses to “I’m a little frustrated at the moment…

  • survivednarc

    I sent an absurdly long comment and then I don’t know if it disappeared or not… I will send it in shortened version as to not spam your blog lol; 1) Screw him, if he doesn’t realize you are the best thing since sliced bread, frankly his brain capacity is not up to snuff! 2) if he comes back and has realized no. 1 above here, then you should make clear you can tolerate one (1) case of insecurity in the beginning, but not again (and again, etc). It will cause you too much anxiety and not be worth it. 3) Do not worry about slut/whore thingie. I calm BS on society again. Lol. Men have been having sex left and right forever, what is saying that they should be “allowed” and not women? Nothing! Except oh… The shape of our reproductive organ are different…. that seems like a legit reason for discrimination.. (NOT). Hugs!!!! 💜💜💜👍

    • samlobos

      Thank you. I love your comment! It makes me feel less crazy. I agree about the insecurity/wishy washy thing. You are so right. And thank you for calling BS on the slut shaming thing. I grew up with very conservative views on sex in addition to the double standard that society has taught. I so appreciate your validation, more than I can express. Love you!! 💙💙

  • listentothebabe

    the man isn’t a problem, ditch him. the hickey, however, is an emergency. call on a mate with mad makeup skills…

  • sassygirl40

    I have sensitive skin as well and have ended up with an embarrassing hickey. Sadly it was in summer and too hot for a turtleneck sweater. Perhaps dressing up with a scarf of some sort for the bridal shower?

    As for the guy, ditch him, you can do better. As for feeling like a whore, you are so NOT one so don’t waste your energy feeling badly….think of it as fun exploration of your sexual side. It’s research (I can reframe anything) lol

    • samlobos

      Lol! Seems like I’m into experimental research. Yes, the longer I process what happened, the more I feel that I shouldn’t invest anymore time into him. Thank you for the validation. Hugs💙

  • rachel

    gotta date those frogs first. a strong woman like you does NOT need a weak man like that. 💋💋💋

  • laurelwolfelives

    The first thing I thought when I saw your picture was “that had BETTER be a hickey and not a mark left by some fucking man!”
    I’m with survivednarc….tell him to get lost and don’t even think about tagging yourself as a whore! The only thing you’re guilty of is having sex with the wrong guy! A little pan-stick make-up will fix you right up!

    • samlobos

      Thank you so much! Yes, I’m done with him. I really don’t need that in my life. I’m hoping I can mask the hickey, I haven’t had one in 14 years! This is embarrassing!!

      • laurelwolfelives

        Hell…if anybody asks you about it, tell them George Clooney stopped by last night!

      • samlobos

        LOL!! I honestly think my family will tease me and wonder who he is, which I don’t want to talk about given the insecure drama he brought with him that messed what could have been up. I’m also worried about work. I work with teenagers! They can spot hickeys anywhere! I don’t want them thinking about me getting my freak on!!! Gross!

      • laurelwolfelives

        I’d stick with George Clooney and just smile…..leave ’em wondering! Maybe with the teenagers, tell them that he hit you accidentally with a hot french fry. That’s what people in high school would say….and of course, I believed them!

  • thetruthandpurpose

    Dermablend covers hickeys like magic. You can get it at Ulta and Sephora 🙂

  • Mr. Tinder

    I’m going to be a little too honest here and say something that I don’t think guys or girls really like to hear asked. I’m a very over-analytical person who used to be very insecure and would ask the same thing: “Why do you like me?” I came to the conclusion that it’s an uncomfortable question that puts people on the spot and makes me sound insecure. I’m not saying that was the crux of your story or the issues at play, but If things are going well(as it sounded like they were), it’s best to just enjoy the ride instead of over-thinking things.

    • samlobos

      Here’s the thing, I’m not really insecure. What happened was, he freaked out after sex, commenting on how he’s not good at it and then hiding his body right after and then he started talking about being unsure he was doing the right thing about legally getting visitation rights with his daughter and said how he goes back and forth about things and then somehow linked that to how he thinks he’s ready to date but then sometimes he thinks he’s not. So that’s when I just asked him straight out because I don’t play bullshit mind games. If I like you, I tell you. I look for someone to do the same. Thanks for your input.

  • SheIsFemale

    My thoughts are these..
    1. Did you truly want to have sex with him and did you enjoy it?
    2. If you enjoyed yourself but are now having second thoughts about continuing seeing him because he behaved so bizarrely, I think rather than beating yourself up for not having been able to predict what would happen after sex, you have an opportunity to learn about yourself.
    3. It seems like you have a bunch of red flags to consider here: He’s ambivalent about how he wants to carry on with dating/relationships and he’s let you know about it, he’s got insecurity issues that turn you off, and you had a sense the first time you hung out that he wasn’t a great match for you. Don’t blow that off. It’s important information.
    4. Your instincts seem to be telling you that this fella, while nice, is not one you want to continue on with. “Nice” does not make “good”. You deserve better than “nice”. Trust your guts.
    5. It seems like he’s not ready to get involved beyond hanging out even casually, and he definitely doesn’t want to talk about it. He’s not ready for someone like you, and THAT’S OK. It’s ok not to keep this one around.
    6. You deserve respect and excitement and fun and someone who stays naked in bed with you because he’s comfortable being naked. Don’t settle, lady.
    7. You don’t have to do anything about him from this moment forward. You know what you want. He’s not likely ever going to be giving it. Give yourself a break, enjoy the fun you had, and take care of you and what makes you happy. The rest will follow 🙂
    8. I’m a sex and love addict and I’m learning these things after 20+ years of struggling. I wish someone had said them to me when I was younger.
    9. We deserve to have what we want and need in our lives, not what we think is good because there’s nothing else or we’re afraid of being lonely.
    10. You’re perfect just as you are.

    • samlobos

      Thank you Female. I connect to every point you shared. I did enjoy it and was fine until he started getting more bizarre than he already is. I’m so grateful for the advice and input from people like you because it makes me feel validated and less crazy. I’m not going to give him anymore of my time. You are absolutely right. With every “mistake” I make I learn more about myself. I just wish I didn’t have to make so many. 💙💙💙💙

  • SheIsFemale

    If we don’t make mistakes, we don’t learn how to make our lives better. The trick is to practice acting on what we’ve learned so that we don’t have to put ourselves through the pain of making the same mistakes over and over. It’s really hard! And it takes time and patience with yourself.

    Yeah, this guy isn’t a big winner, and he’s probably not the guy for you for now. It’s ok. You didn’t have kids with him or buy property with him or do anything illegal on his behalf or cut off any body parts to impress him, right? You made a choice to have sex with him, and while you enjoyed it, it’s over and you don’t have to do it again. You never have to see him again if you don’t feel good about it. Done! You’re free to learn from what you experienced and move on. And if this guy has feelings of some sort, he’ll bother you and then you can decide what you feel is best to do about it.

    A saying I like is: Don’t just DO something, stand there. 😉

    I hope the wedding is a blast and that you dance your face off and laugh until it hurts!

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