I’m really good at slut shaming myself.
I have a hickey.
And it makes me feel like such a whore.
I have really sensitive skin and he sucked a little too hard in the moment and voila, ghetto ass hickey.
I’m really not a whore.
So why do I feel like one every time I sleep with a guy?
This new guy, Mr. Awkward, well, today was the third time I’ve spent time with him and the first time we had sex.
I really like (liked?) him but then after sex he started bringing up this insecure, indecisive bullshit that made me feel like, “Fuck, I fucked up again by sleeping with the wrong guy.”
For the record, I haven’t been with many sexual partners, (5 plus 1 oral only, then my ex-wife=7 total). Is it weird that I have this need to share the exact number of sexual partners I’ve had? That’s me trying to feel better about the fact that it’s all been within the last 4 months (except the ex-wife, that was over a year ago).
ANYWAY, back to Mr. Awkward. Remember, he was the sweet guy who didn’t make any moves on me when he came over the first time? Yeah, well, he came over a second time and that went well, really well. He gave me a massage and then gave me another type of “massage” which was awesome because it was all about me and he didn’t try to sneak sex into it. (I was fair, I “handled” business for him as well).
Today was the third time he came over my place in one week. Things escalated and since I found myself liking him more and more, I let my guard down and went with the moment.
Then he got all weird and started overthinking shit, like he doesn’t know how to balance wanting to date and have sex with another woman while having this 11 month little girl and he went on and on about how he changes his mind about things day by day, which was not reassuring in the least.
I flat out asked him if he liked me and wanted to see me again, specifically saying that we didn’t have to be exclusive or serious right away, we could just “date”.
At first he said “I don’t know” which freaked me out a bit because we had just had sex and I was under the impression he liked me too and I was also laying naked next to him while he had his clothes on (because he didn’t want me to look at him naked and he seems to have some body image issues even though he’s just fine and even though I tried to get him to not put his clothes back on, he put them on anyway) which is a vulnerable place to be with someone.
He stayed with me for a long time, playing music on his phone for me (even though I could have cared less) and skirting away from giving any clear answers I tried to get from him.
I basically don’t want to waste my time if he’s going to get all overthinky, wishy washy, and insecure with me and now I wish I hadn’t had sex with him because he can’t seem to handle how straightforward I am.
There is something horribly wrong when I’m the one being all “don’t overthink things.”
Seriously, what the fuck?!?
It’s not like I was planning a wedding in my head with this guy! I figured it would last maybe 3 months, tops. What I was thinking and hoping for was, “Here’s a nice guy that I like and might have potential to date steadily for a little bit and that would be a nice experience for once.”
So I’m not sure if he’s going to come back around and I’m not sure if I even want to see him again after the tug of war he put me through where he can’t even answer a fucking question straight up.
To make it even better, tomorrow is my sister’s bridal shower and my family will be there and see me rocking my stupid ass hickey. How embarrassing. I tried the whole frozen spoon thing. Nothing. Hopefully makeup will cover it but I’m not optimistic.
I fucking hate this fucking shit!!!!!
Can you tell I’m frustrated?!?
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck this fucking fuckery!!!!!!