There are times when I remember I used to belong to someone.
That I was a part of a pair.
Every now and then echoes of my former life penetrate through and with them, a feeling of longing for what was.
It happens most when I get a taste of something that even just slightly resembles what I had before.
Snuggling next to someone, that warm feeling of being held intimately, especially triggers it.
It feels like home.
An ancient feeling stirred from another life that I’ve lived.
I’m Dorothy in Oz.
I’m a clone with phantom memories of my original.
I’m an amnesiac trying to piece together my former self.
I’m Alice trying to wake up from Wonderland.
I spent 13 years feeling like I was home in the arms of the same person.
My forever soul mate.
Or so I had thought.
Then that life ended and this one began.
The past year I have been living like it’s a temporary transition.
Much like staying in a waiting room until something permanent is established.
I haven’t seen it as real life, just a surreal in-between of what was and what is to come.
But today it struck me that this is my new normal.
This is my life.
I’ve been feeling like this is all “just for now”.
A cycle I spin in until my real life is ready.
The muscle memories I carry of intimate moments from my past makes me feel like that’s what I’m trying to recover.
But that is not my life anymore.
There is no going back to what was.
No matter how many times I try to re-create it, it will never be the same.
Because I’m not the same.
And things have changed.
I struggle with my new reality.
Parts of me miss being married.
Miss it a lot.
Other parts of me enjoy my new freedom.
Enjoy it a lot.
How can I integrate the two?
When will this new life start to feel real, like it’s where I belong?
When will I reconcile the loss of my former self with the discovery of my current self?
How can I be happy being both when there are losses felt from all sides?
So this is my life now?
Why do I still feel like there should be so much more?
Is this what caterpillars feel like when they are in the cocoon?
Or do I already have my wings and am too busy missing being a caterpillar to notice?