My new normal

 

There are times when I remember I used to belong to someone.

That I was a part of a pair.

Every now and then echoes of my former life penetrate through and with them, a feeling of longing for what was.

It happens most when I get a taste of something that even just slightly resembles what I had before.

Snuggling next to someone, that warm feeling of being held intimately, especially triggers it.

It feels like home.

An ancient feeling stirred from another life that I’ve lived.

I’m Dorothy in Oz.

I’m a clone with phantom memories of my original.

I’m an amnesiac trying to piece together my former self.

I’m Alice trying to wake up from Wonderland.

I spent 13 years feeling like I was home in the arms of the same person.

My forever soul mate.

Or so I had thought.

Then that life ended and this one began.

The past year I have been living like it’s a temporary transition.

Much like staying in a waiting room until something permanent is established.

I haven’t seen it as real life, just a surreal in-between of what was and what is to come.

But today it struck me that this is my new normal.

This is my life.

I’ve been feeling like this is all “just for now”.

A cycle I spin in until my real life is ready.

The muscle memories I carry of intimate moments from my past makes me feel like that’s what I’m trying to recover.

But that is not my life anymore.

There is no going back to what was.

No matter how many times I try to re-create it, it will never be the same.

Because I’m not the same.

And things have changed.

I struggle with my new reality.

Parts of me miss being married.

Miss it a lot.

Other parts of me enjoy my new freedom.

Enjoy it a lot.

How can I integrate the two?

When will this new life start to feel real, like it’s where I belong?

When will I reconcile the loss of my former self with the discovery of my current self?

How can I be happy being both when there are losses felt from all sides?

So this is my life now?

Why do I still feel like there should be so much more?

Is this what caterpillars feel like when they are in the cocoon?

Or do I already have my wings and am too busy missing being a caterpillar to notice?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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About samlobos

I am an avid fan of creating narratives in my head about random experiences and quotes for future books I will probably not write. I harbor a 15 year old girl in my psyche and like to solve world issues when I'm half asleep. View all posts by samlobos

13 responses to “My new normal

  • savingshards

    Sam…beautifully written as it so captures the dichotomy. Funny thing is I share so many of the feelings you describe. Even within marriage. And yes, lovely girl…you do have your wings. Make sure you tell us as you start to fly, ok? HUGS.

  • lifeaslucyjane

    I feel like that sometimes! But you’re free, you definitely have your wings, just go with the flow and I’m sure in time it will all feel real one day and you will feel complete 🙂

  • survivednarc

    I think it is all very natural… I feel like that too.. and I honestly think that people are not meant to live as singles for any extended periods of time… I am aware that there are those who like being single and so on, but I think ultimately, we desire to be with someone..

    it has never been a custom in history for people to live alone in an apartment/house.. and I think that is more than the pressure and opinions of society, I think we are programmed for love and belonging.. and sure, I can get by as single for a few years.. but if I knew for sure right now that I would be single for, say, 15 years, that knowledge would make me very unhappy indeed… I think it is just natural, this longing!! ❤❤

    • samlobos

      Thank you, love. Sometimes I feel like there must be something wrong with me to crave that connection because I should be content on my own. But after awhile it gets lonely and it’s nice to share a unique connection with someone that no one else shares with that person. 💙

      • survivednarc

        I call BS on society!! There is waaaay too much pressure (and even prejudice and discrimination!!) put on single people today. “Love yourself”, “make an amazing life for yourself”, blah blah. Etc. All the while, we know through research that living a life as a single, only emerged as a possibility in about the last 50 – 100 years… well, honestly since the 1960’s/the “sexualitet revolution” etc… I absolutely hate it when people judge my single life and my feelings about it… especially if they are in a happy couple since 10+ years.. I say, please walk s mile in my shoes before judging😉. That being said, we should of course make the best of our current situation! But never ever feel ashamed of our most natural longing for love. Hugs and sisterly love!!😉❤💙💜

      • samlobos

        So true!!Love you!!! 💙💙💙

  • A Covert Narcissist's Wife

    Well written and easy to read. I do hate the triggers. I relate to your words, I wish that I didn’t.

  • Is this real life? | Am I the only loser out there?

    […] wrote a post some time back about how surreal my life felt and how I was trying to accept my “new […]

  • Is this real life? | Am I the only loser out there?

    […] wrote a post some time back about how surreal my life felt and how I was trying to accept my “new […]

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