I said goodbye to Mr. K for the second time.
He texted me today to see what I was doing and find out if I had went on any dates.
I’ve never had somebody so interested in my sex life before.
He has this sick desire to know everything I’ve done since him and who I’ve done it with.
It tortures him because he doesn’t like the thought of me having sex with other guys but it also turns him on.
His preoccupation with knowing the details of my dating life is something he developed after I decided I couldn’t be his friend with benefits.
I couldn’t because I liked him too much, feeling more for him than I would like to because he’s a selfish asshole and isn’t affectionate in the least.
It was so hard for me to say goodbye the first time, I was crushed that he couldn’t be a genuine friend even though he knew I was hurting.
But I did it and even though I missed him at times, I accepted that he was no longer part of my life and was okay with leaving him in my past.
Then he showed up again.
Two weeks later, that’s as long as he could stay away.
And the old feelings were triggered.
I took the first initial contact with a grain of salt.
It was mostly him apologizing and then fishing to see if I was dating and if I’d slept with anyone.
Today was significantly more triggering for me.
He asked me what I did over the weekend and I was quite proud of the fact that I used it to take care of myself and do things I enjoy.
He wanted to know if I’d gone on any dates and I told him I did not.
He pressed to make sure I had not had sex.
I asked him why he was so interested in my sex life and he said it turns him on some.
I told him that it seems to bother him as well.
He said it does some but he still wants to know everything.
I asked him if it was just the fact that talking about sex in general turns him on or was it because he likes me.
He said both and shared an image of me that he keeps in his mind which he particularly likes to recall from our time together.
I told him that surely there are other girls who will talk to him about sex.
He said not really and that he’s been with me so he knows how I look like naked.
I asked him if that’s why he likes to talk to me.
He said sometimes and sometimes he just wonders how I am doing.
I told him I think he likes me more than he lets on.
He said he has told me that he likes me.
By this point, my heart was pounding and this sense of sadness rolled over me.
I know that he is not right for me, but I undeniably have feelings for him.
And it doesn’t help that he says things that make me feel like he wants to be with me too but not in the way that I want to be with him.
He asked me what I was doing and I shared that I was about to go out to do errands.
He asked me what I was wearing.
I knew what he’s looking for and seeing as I was wearing jogging pants and a long sleeve t-shirt, I told him, knowing there is nothing sexy about it.
Any panties, he asked.
Quite understandably I was hurt that he was trying to go there with me, considering that I like him and feel vulnerable with him.
So I asked him point blank, are you trying to get sexy with me?
He replied, maybe.
I told him, I wish you wouldn’t.
He said okay with a smiley face.
I said thank you.
It was then that I realized how much it hurt me to talk to him.
Talking to him made me think of the girls he’d rather chase down to have casual sex with, something I did not want to know about or imagine.
Talking to him reminded me of spending time with him and how much I liked him despite myself.
It made me remember how much I enjoyed touching his skin.
Made me think of his blue eyes and his smart ass comments.
And how he liked me but just not enough.
I knew I needed to say goodbye for a second time.
I hesitated because having him contact me felt good, it was confirmation that he thinks about me and cares in his own way.
But I knew that it would just hurt me more.
Eventually I’d hear about a girl or he’d drill me about a boy and we’d both be jealous of the other but he would say how he doesn’t want anything serious, blah, blah, blah, the same old song and dance.
So I told him, it hurts to talk to you.
I knew where it would go from there, because as big of an asshole as he is, he doesn’t like to intentionally hurt me.
Should I not message you, he asked.
I think that’s best, I said. I really like you and want to be with you but I know that’s not going to happen and it probably shouldn’t.
Okay Samantha, he replied. I understand. I wish you the best and good luck with the new guys. Be safe and don’t let any of them take advantage of you. Take care of yourself.
Goodbye (Mr. K) I said.
Then I cried.
I had no idea why I was taking it so hard.
I mean, it’s not like we dated.
But there was a connection, that was undeniable.
And I liked him, more than I am willing to explore because I’m afraid to find out how much so.
I also cried because here was another man who I was ready and willing to invest in, give myself to, and who was unavailable or unwilling to meet me halfway.
How many fucking goodbyes do I have to go through before someone sticks?!?
So I had my cry and now I’m writing this.
I’m starting to feel better because I know I did what was best for me.
I am proud of myself.
I put me first.
I’m not going to keep anyone around who hurts me, whether it’s intentional or not.
And that makes saying goodbye worth it.