I have finally accepted the feeling of being lonely and on my own.
I know that finding love again isn’t going to come quickly or easily.
It took me two weeks to cry and feel sad about it.
Then I was ready to accept it and move on.
And once I decided that, I started feeling less lonely.
Which is where I am now.
I was just getting used to having no men of interest in my life when life threw me a curveball.
I had reactivated my dating profile 2 weeks ago, edited it to make it very clear I’m looking for a relationship, then left it alone. I figured that I needed to work through my dating difficulties rather than avoid them.
For a week there was nothing. I messaged several men I found interesting and got no response. I figured God didn’t want me to date right now and so I accepted it.
Then suddenly this week became very full with attention and temptation.
On Monday I went on a date with a man who I made out with and but didn’t feel myself drawn to him. He almost begged me to have sex with him so that he could try to create the “spark” I felt was missing. He tempted me with his “lingual skills”, going on about how great his tongue is and how he’d pleasure me and his record is giving 7 orgasms in one romp but he’d like to go for 8 with me.
There is the 6ft, 32 year old Romanian construction guy with his own business telling me how he wants to caress my body and hold me. He sends me kissy emojis and wishes me pleasant dreams each night. He says he can’t wait until he’s back in town to see me.
I have this 24 year old enigma of a boy who talks like no one I’ve ever known and genuinely intrigues me, wanting to give it a go with me and says things like “us” time. He’s also strangely consistent and mature.
And finally my life would not be complete without developing some type of relationship with a guy from across the country who I’m unsure about what it is we are doing or why but have had phone sex with.
To top it all off, Mr. K texted me today. “Was just thinking about you. Hope you are doing well.”
I responded with his name and a question mark.
He said “lol, yes. I see you deleted my number.”
I replied with a “lol, yes, what did you expect?”
He asked “how have you been?”
So I told him the truth, “I was depressed for 2 weeks and now I’m better.” He said he’s glad I’m doing better and apologized for being insensitive. He said it was partially because he was jealous that I had slept with other guys.
I have a feeling he’s not ready to stay gone from my life just yet.
Tell me, how is it that I vow to place stricter boundaries and announce that I’m okay being on my own and then this happens?
I didn’t even go looking for it.
I’m trying not to depend on this attention. I’m actively reminding myself that it could disappear at any moment and I will be just fine.
In fact, I’ll be more than fine.
I’m trying to focus on me and taking care of myself instead of investing hope and energy into these interactions. Floating with the current instead of flailing my arms trying to get nowhere fast.
This is my true test.
Can I keep a balance of staying centered inside myself while exploring these connections?
I’m feeling much more confident in what I want and am looking for. Much less inclined to falling into the trap of infatuation. Much more protective of my heart and emotions. I believe I can do it, as long as I remind myself of how far I’ve come.
FYI: I did not have sex with that first guy. As much as I love me some good oral, I knew I would feel unsatisfied and empty should I have given in. Especially since I knew he wasn’t right for me and sex would not change that fact.
He was very convincing in his argument, though, that a second date wouldn’t do anything, but if there was no “spark” after the sex then he’d done all he could and I would know for sure whether I liked him or not and he would be fine with it.
It almost made sense to me until I really thought about it and realized that if he liked me for who I am, then he would go on a second date with me and try to woo me. He wouldn’t stop trying to woo me unless it was obvious I couldn’t be swayed.
But instead he threw sex at me because that’s what he really wanted. We decided to part ways. He said his mind was blown that I didn’t take him up on the offer.