Glimmers

I’m struggling.

Everyday little things take so much energy out of me.

I barely have enough to do the bare minimum then I’m spent.

I’m forcing myself to function.

I’m going through the motions while little glimmers of my non-depressed self peak through every now and then.

I’m trying not to be too demanding of myself.

I want to accomplish things, get things done, but putting those self imposed expectations just overwhelms me.

I find myself asking why things feel so big and taxing, then I remind myself, this is normal because you are depressed.

And that’s okay.

Deep breaths.

One step at a time.

I’m at a low level depression.

I no longer fantasize about laying in bed all day.

I’m okay around people, it’s just so much work.

Doing anything that I don’t want to do feels intolerable, more than usual.

Usually I can suck it up and plow through, right now I find myself avoiding and getting anxious.

The desire to run and hide is always close by.

I can’t shake the deep sense of loneliness that has settled in my bones.

When everything stops and the world is quiet, that’s when it’s the worst.

I actively fight those demons, the ones that whisper hopeless and self pitying nothings into my ear.

This too, is exhausting.

I still see color.

The world has not gone grey for me yet.

I’m getting better, but it lingers.

Much like a persistent cough.

True to myself, I’m fighting.

Always the fighter.

I’ve been fighting this battle for years.

I have always given credit to my ex for stabilizing me.

But I realize now that while she gave me the support and nurture I desperately needed, it was I who did the work.

It was always me doing the slaying.

I see that now that I’m on my own.

My friend Olivia told me that I’m much stronger, smarter, and powerful than I think.

I know she’s right.

This reminds me that I’m a giant with a sprained ankle.

A sequoia swaying in the wind.

A dying Phoenix becoming ash.

A caged lion.

I am beautifully made and whole, even in my brokenness.

Maybe especially because of it.

Be here now, Samantha.

Breathe.

Hope.

Find the rainbow.

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About samlobos

I am an avid fan of creating narratives in my head about random experiences and quotes for future books I will probably not write. I harbor a 15 year old girl in my psyche and like to solve world issues when I'm half asleep. View all posts by samlobos

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