Dating Highlights (aka weird online dating shit)

I recognize that online dating in itself is weird and awkward, but then there are odd people and situations that make it even more surreal.

Here are some highlights of the weird messages and propositions I’ve received:

-Messages from guys in their 20’s. Like 24 and 25 year olds trying to get at me. Oh yeah, and that one bisexual blonde girl who was 19. She was looking for friends or casual sex. Not sure what she wanted with me…

-The hella horde of men trying to hook it up or Friends with Benefits it straight out. I’m not even joking. I don’t think they read or care. Like 39 year old BORN2MAC asking if I wanted “some company tonite”. Or the guy who described how he was looking for a good time but more than a one night stand, then described how he would like our meeting to go, complete with emojis of tongues and mouths and that wet drop.

-The black guy who messaged me saying that he saw I couldn’t live without chocolate so he thought he would say hi. Yeah, he went there…

-A proposition from a married guy on a business trip from Texas who wanted someone to spend time with and “see where it goes” while he is in town

-A man asking if I would consider dating him and his girlfriend since they were looking for a good woman to add to their relationship

-A 56 year old man with a white beard (who frankly looked like a grandpa)  asking to hook up for hugging, then stated “anything more would be on you.” EWWWW

-A wildly unattractive man who claimed to  be in his early thirties but looked like he was 50+ sending me the message “Your mine” (and yes, he used the wrong you’re)

-The men who would message me in Spanish (more than one)

-The guys from out of the country who would message me, mostly from Australia and places in Europe, stating how they wished they were closer to me so they could show me around (also happened more than once)

-And finally…the foot licker. This guy who said he would pay to lick my feet, $20 for 5 minutes. And yes, he was serious as a heart attack. I had a conversation with him because he kept messaging me. He didn’t even ask to see my feet. He said I was pretty and that was enough. He emailed me his picture. He wasn’t bad looking, he just really wanted to lick feet. I briefly considered because well, I’ve had every part of my body in someone’s mouth before so it’s not that unfamiliar to me (My ex was orally fixated and just needed to “taste” my body. Including my elbow, which she said tasted “pointy.”)  But then I decided no, it’s just too weird when it’s a complete stranger.

There are more but those are the ones that stuck out in my head.

Seriously, I wanted to say “Thank you, but no thank you” to some guys because it felt wrong to just delete messages without acknowledging them, but the one’s I acknowledged and rejected didn’t take it too well, like the guy who accused me of being fat because I didn’t have a body picture on my profile (his message had said how beautiful I was), or another guy who said I looked old, (his messaged asked me if I was a real person) after I told them I wasn’t interested as politely as I could. So I just started deleting the messages from the guys I wasn’t interested in. Which were the majority of the messages I got.

Some experiences that happened every time I met someone in person:

-My eyes and smile were always, always complimented

Every guy I kissed commented on how soft my lips are (almost like they were thinking out loud, not even to compliment me)

(I put petroleum jelly on my lips every night before I go to bed, in case you are wondering)

-Every guy I met in real life was taken aback by the way I look in person. I’m not exaggerating. Most of them looked physically surprised (guys can have a hard time hiding their expressions or maybe I’m just really good at reading people) at first and then when recovered, had difficulty not staring at me awkwardly and eventually would (again like they were thinking out loud) comment on how I was more  pretty/cute/beautiful/gorgeous/sexy (choose your word) than they had thought I would be.

I know I’m not that photogenic, but really? I can’t look that different… Or maybe they are just used to the girls with the really good selfies and filters?

Anyway, this is a more shallow, light hearted post. Thought we could all use the break.




About samlobos

I am an avid fan of creating narratives in my head about random experiences and quotes for future books I will probably not write. I harbor a 15 year old girl in my psyche and like to solve world issues when I'm half asleep. View all posts by samlobos

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