I said goodbye to Mr. K.
The clarity to do so came to me yesterday night.
I was considering planning a day trip to get out of my environment for a bit and get some fresh scenery because I was/am struggling with feeling sad and discouraged.
One of my favorite places to visit is San Diego, which is roughly 2 hours from where I live. It just so happens that Mr. K lives there too.
I thought it would be nice to go there and maybe hang out with him for the day, as true friends. That it might be fun to talk and catch up face to face, since I haven’t seen him since Thanksgiving.
I thought it would be especially meaningful since the first and only time I spent with him consisted primarily of having lots of sex.
I introduced the idea to him and he seemed rather unaffected either way. It was when I asked him about specific days to see if he would have his daughter or not on the day in question is when he actually paid attention.
His response was: You shouldn’t plan on me cutie because honestly I have my daughter 2 weekends out of the month and one weekend I use to take care of the apartment and the other weekend is for dating and or fucking.
Nice. I try to make plans to visit my supposed “friend” but he would be too busy with errands or chasing sex.
My response: Okay, well I just wanted to hang out as friends.
His response: I need pussy
My response: Cool (this was meant to convey unhappy sarcasm)
His response: I haven’t had sex since Thanksgiving
My response: Sure (again, unhappy sarcasm)
His response: Sorry
This interaction triggered the “ah ha” moment in my head. Because he knew that I was struggling with feeling down, I had told him earlier that morning. He knew about the disappointment with guys and how I’d been crying. Shit, he had asked me about it! But he didn’t seem to care enough to spend one day with me even though it might help cheer me up just a little.
I realized that we weren’t real friends at all. Or maybe he didn’t know how to be a good friend. Either way, he was not the type of friend I wanted to keep around.
It hurt my feelings. Because I actually care about him and would go out of my way to be there for him if the roles were reversed. That’s just the type of friend I am.
I didn’t contact him all day today and wondered if he would even notice.
At 11:07pm he texted: Hey you
I waited a bit, debating whether I wanted to reply at all but then decided that I would rather say what I’m feeling than keep it all in.
I replied with: Hi
Him: Better today?
I almost melted because I have a soft spot for him and he was showing concern. But then I reminded myself that it was 11pm and he hadn’t messaged me all day so really, how concerned could he have been? My resolved stayed intact.
Me: You hurt my feelings yesterday.
Him: I did?
Me: You were kind of insensitive.
What I really wanted to say was that he was a selfish asshole but I thought that might overshadow the point I was trying to get at.
Him: Um ok. Weird that I’m the guy that’s completely honest with you while other guys lie to get what they want and I’m the insensitive one.
Apparently he didn’t get it and gets defensive easily.
Me: I think my idea of friendship is different than yours
Me: I’m a good friend. If you were going through a tough time and needed company, I would make time for you.
Him: Then I guess we shouldn’t be friends. I’m a bit tired of the stream of guilt trips.
Like I said, he gets defensive easily and now he’s accusing me of guilt tripping him when I was just trying to show him what type of friendship I was looking for.
Me: It’s probably better.
I had already decided that we shouldn’t be friends anymore because he had made it clear to me that I was just a girl he kept around to talk to when he was bored or lonely. And feeling the way I do/did about him, it hurt a little every time he went on a date. But this made me realize that he didn’t care about me as much as I care/cared about him. So what was the point of staying “friends”?
However, I don’t think he expected me to agree. He’s tossed that line out before when I told him that I liked him more than I wanted to and was afraid of getting hurt. I told him that I wanted to stay his friend then though, which he had also wanted as well.
Him: Ok Samantha. Well I wish you the best. Take care of yourself.
Me: Goodbye (Mr. K). I hope you find what you are looking for.
That was it. But I felt like I had one more thing to say.
Me: For the record, I did/do care about you, more than you realize.
He didn’t respond. I didn’t expect him to. But I felt like I needed to say it. I hope it sticks to the back of his mind and haunts him.
Which makes me wonder if one or two years down the line, when he’s tired of chasing after meaningless sex with girls he only finds mildly attractive, if he’ll think back to me, the woman he drove three hours in traffic to spend Thanksgiving with without having met her first because he already felt that comfortable with her.
The one he said he couldn’t stop thinking about after they first started talking.
The one he thought was sexy as hell before he met her and was even sexier than he had imagined in person (his words).
The woman he tried to calm her nerves down when she said she was nervous about having sex with him because she isn’t perfect and has a pouchy tummy by saying that “no one is perfect” and said his tummy was pouchy too. But when I saw his body in person, it was sculpted like a statue. He had lied.
The one who made him hum unconsciously the morning after while he got ready out of the shower.
The woman he said has a beautiful body, long after he knew he would not get to sleep with her again and had no reason to compliment her.
The woman he said was actually different from all the other girls and was a catch and excluded from his rants about superficial California women.
The one that matched his description of the perfect girl for him, the type of girl he would pursue a serious relationship with if he was in that frame of mind at the moment.
The one he said he enjoyed talking to and was calming to him, which made him happy.
The woman who he broke his no female friends rule for because he liked her that much.
The one he once admitted to missing.
The one he admitted to fantasizing about continuously and jerking off to the memories of having sex with her.
The woman, who when she accused him of only liking her for sex, he told that he talked to her more often than they had sex so do the math because he texts her daily so it’s definitely not sex that keeping him around.
The woman he admitted to thinking about while another woman sucked him off recently because he liked how I did it. When I reminded him that I hadn’t done it much or for very long to him, he said, “I know”. He explained that this woman took more in her mouth but that I used my hands more, which he enjoyed. I told him I had no idea what I was doing and just did what he liked. He said “You did good.” (So either I’m awesome or he just preferred me. I think it’s the latter.)
The woman who he said he would probably still think about when he has sex with other women and the only other woman that stuck in his mind like that was his ex-wife right after they split up.
The woman he insists on wanting to know who she had sex with and what positions they used because he is partially jealous and partially turned on by thinking about her in that way. When I asked him “You enjoy thinking about it even though I’m with another man?” He replied, “I don’t think about that. I just imagine you.”
I think about all of this and wonder if he will ever look back and kick himself in the ass for letting me go so easy. For allowing his stupid pride and ego get in the way of being with someone real. Someone worth having.
I wonder if I will be his one. The one that got away.
I wonder if he will delete my number right away or if he’ll keep it and someday scroll to my name and let his finger hover over it, debating whether he should try again before allowing his pride to take over and decide against it.
I have to admit, it stung to say goodbye to him. Even though he’s an asshole, there was something there. But I will not have any regrets when I think about him. I was ready and willing. He was not.
I wonder if his coldness to my wanting to hang out was a passive aggressive thing, sort of like a “you are getting yours, so I’m going to get mine and you’ll see how it feels” type of stab. It could be entirely unconscious on his part. He’s not the type to express or be very aware of his true feelings. He did like to ask me over and over again if I wanted to know whenever he did have sex with another woman. I told him I did not.
Or maybe he’s just a selfish, insensitive asshole.
For the record, I hope he has terrible sex with the next girl and thinks about me the whole time.