New Year

I deleted my online dating profiles.

I give up.

At this point, I’d rather be lonely and depressed than go through anymore rollercoasters.

At least I know how to do lonely and depressed.

I don’t know how to do dating and it’s rollercoasters, though.

I was with a guy last night, ringing in the New Year carnal style.

He should have been different.

He would have, if it weren’t for the fact that he has some unresolved issues he hasn’t worked out yet regarding his divorce.

Unfortunately, these issues did not surface for him until we had sex and he couldn’t finish because of those issues. Mental block.

This was our second date, a record for me. Ugh, I feel horrible just writing that.

Anyway, we talked well and have very similar relationship experiences and liked each other quite a lot, but he decided that he needs to work on his issues before continuing to date more. Said he might be ready in a month or so.

I think he’s right. But it doesn’t make me feel any better.

I am personally bothered by the fact that I’ve become desensitized to sex and how I no longer feel like it’s a big deal. Because it really is a big deal and I never used to feel so apathetic about it before.

I am also bothered by the fact that I cannot climax through penetration. Random thought, but I wonder if that’s normal?

At this point, I don’t want anyone or anything.

I just want to be left the fuck alone.

Which I will be because no one approaches me in real life.

Mr. Adorbs disappeared, as predicted. He reappeared briefly after no contact for 2 days and acted like he’s been around the whole time.

When I told him I wish he was more consistent, he stopped texting. I haven’t heard from him since.

I don’t even want Mr. K, even though he drilled me on my escapades last night because he likes to imagine me in pleasure and moaning (his words, not mine) and told me that he’s thought about me when he’s been with other girls, which is not something he normally does.

That should mean something, but it doesn’t. Because it’s useless. What’s the point of someone liking you that much if they aren’t willing to be with you? None of it means anything.

I am returning to therapy. I had to stop for awhile because my insurance was going to be cancelled, but by some miracle, I still have it. Unfortunately the soonest appointment is in the beginning of February. 😦

I did a clean sweep of my phone today. I erased the text histories of all the guys I’ve been talking to and like I said, I deleted my dating profiles.

It may not seem like much, but it felt good just doing that.

I’m in a very hopeless state at the moment, feeling like maybe I’m one of those people that had a one time shot at making a life with someone and now I’m shit out of luck.

At least I know what my next step in this new year is going to be.

Being okay with being lonely.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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About samlobos

I am an avid fan of creating narratives in my head about random experiences and quotes for future books I will probably not write. I harbor a 15 year old girl in my psyche and like to solve world issues when I'm half asleep. View all posts by samlobos

14 responses to “New Year

  • sonofabeach96

    It’ll feel like a big deal when you’re with the right one. 😊

  • Wanda

    I don’t think it’s really about accepting loneliness as much as it’s about learning to love yourself, without needing another person to validate your worthiness to be loved. When you start to really love and be ok with who you are, then anyone else in your life is just icing on the cake. It starts with you. Sorry, didn’t mean to get all deep and meaningful on you. Hang in there, therapy is always a good idea, and Happy New Year! 🙂

  • My Made Up Hard Life

    Sorry the dating scene has been rough for you. I promise not all us guys are like the ones you keeping meeting.

  • survivednarc

    Oh sam, I know these feelings all too well! I do not have any good advice other than remember that you are a great and cool person, even though dating can suck. And loneliness sucks even worse. I am feeling very lonely right now, but I am thinking hey, tomorrow will be another day, right. Hugs!! 🙂

    • samlobos

      Yes, tomorrow is another day. And all of our days wont always feel lonely. Just like everything else, loneliness comes in waves. Everyday brings a new hope for a better day. That’s what I try to tell myself.

  • emmagc75

    I’m really sorry Sam. I think a short break is a good idea. But I agree it’s not about accepting loneliness. It’s remembering self-love and self-respect. Plz don’t be so hard on yourself. I screw up on a daily basis lol. Thankfully tomorrow is a new day. Hugs xo!

  • emmagc75

    Oh and most women don’t orgasm through intercourse alone. I do sometimes but not always. Totally normal 🙂

  • Michelle

    Take a break honey. It’s good for you. And you aren’t alone on the orgasm part. I’ve been on and off dating sites for the past four years and only met one man of substance. I think the online dating pool is horrible and they’re not looking for anything but sex. Mediocre divorced dad bod sex. Meh! You are lovely and worthy and deserve better. ❤️

  • smellingmint

    Hey all this is so familiar again! I went through this and periodically dip my toe into the cesspool of online dating for a bit then delete the profiles until I feel horny again. I’m convinced though that what you find in these sites is a projection of how you feel about yourself and what you are really authentically looking for… I’ve gone into it with such a change of mindset in the last few weeks and a couple of really decent relationship style prospects have shown up as opposed to my normal fuck n tumble types. When you really love yourself and won’t take any crap perhaps the right stuff shows? It’s all new for me so I will keep you informed missy. Wishing you a gorgeous 2016 xxx

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