I deleted my online dating profiles.
I give up.
At this point, I’d rather be lonely and depressed than go through anymore rollercoasters.
At least I know how to do lonely and depressed.
I don’t know how to do dating and it’s rollercoasters, though.
I was with a guy last night, ringing in the New Year carnal style.
He should have been different.
He would have, if it weren’t for the fact that he has some unresolved issues he hasn’t worked out yet regarding his divorce.
Unfortunately, these issues did not surface for him until we had sex and he couldn’t finish because of those issues. Mental block.
This was our second date, a record for me. Ugh, I feel horrible just writing that.
Anyway, we talked well and have very similar relationship experiences and liked each other quite a lot, but he decided that he needs to work on his issues before continuing to date more. Said he might be ready in a month or so.
I think he’s right. But it doesn’t make me feel any better.
I am personally bothered by the fact that I’ve become desensitized to sex and how I no longer feel like it’s a big deal. Because it really is a big deal and I never used to feel so apathetic about it before.
I am also bothered by the fact that I cannot climax through penetration. Random thought, but I wonder if that’s normal?
At this point, I don’t want anyone or anything.
I just want to be left the fuck alone.
Which I will be because no one approaches me in real life.
Mr. Adorbs disappeared, as predicted. He reappeared briefly after no contact for 2 days and acted like he’s been around the whole time.
When I told him I wish he was more consistent, he stopped texting. I haven’t heard from him since.
I don’t even want Mr. K, even though he drilled me on my escapades last night because he likes to imagine me in pleasure and moaning (his words, not mine) and told me that he’s thought about me when he’s been with other girls, which is not something he normally does.
That should mean something, but it doesn’t. Because it’s useless. What’s the point of someone liking you that much if they aren’t willing to be with you? None of it means anything.
I am returning to therapy. I had to stop for awhile because my insurance was going to be cancelled, but by some miracle, I still have it. Unfortunately the soonest appointment is in the beginning of February. 😦
I did a clean sweep of my phone today. I erased the text histories of all the guys I’ve been talking to and like I said, I deleted my dating profiles.
It may not seem like much, but it felt good just doing that.
I’m in a very hopeless state at the moment, feeling like maybe I’m one of those people that had a one time shot at making a life with someone and now I’m shit out of luck.
At least I know what my next step in this new year is going to be.
Being okay with being lonely.