I don’t think I’m going to be seeing Mr. Adorbs again.
Just a feeling.
He has been contacting me less and less and today, he didn’t contact me at all.
Maybe I messed it up by sleeping with him.
I don’t know.
I guess lesson learned.
Mr. K and I are becoming actual friends.
He vented today to me about how he hates California and can’t wait to return to middle America.
He finds the people here self-centered and arrogant.
He bashed the California girls pretty harshly.
I’m not sure what sets me apart, but he seems to feel like I’m an exception.
It makes me sad that we connect the way we do, yet, we aren’t meant to be together in any capacity besides friends.
But I suppose there’s a reason for that.
He’s really the only guy that’s stuck since Mr. Nerd.
I find myself feeling very lonely these days.
Maybe it’s my hormones, but I cry more lately.
Especially when I think about Mr. Nerd.
I fucking hate that I miss him so much, that I pine over him while he’s probably living his life as though I never existed.
This is the aftermath of a broken heart.
Loneliness isn’t the worst thing that I’ve experienced in my life.
But it’s painful and I wish I could find someone who sees all of me.
Someone who hears my thoughts and thinks they are beautiful.
Appreciates the strange way they contort and flow.
Someone who wants more and more and more of who I am.
Seems like I’m going to have to wait for a while.
I have a lot of love inside me.
I don’t know how it’s possible, given the hurt and heartache I’ve endured, but it’s there, waiting to be poured out.
I have to thank my ex-wife for teaching me how to love and for filling me up with it for so long.
I will always be eternally grateful to her for that.
I give love to whoever I can.
My family, my friends, my dog, even strangers, just in being kind or smiling at them.
But there is a special type of love that I can only share with someone specific.
That love is waiting to be used.
In a way, it’s uncomfortable to keep it bottled up because there’s so much of it.
But I have to wait.
Sometimes waiting hurts.
It is especially painful today.