I’m worth it

eti

I stare at his name and ponder whether to send the message

My finger hovers over the send button for a second while I fight internally

Sending means attention, even if it’s forced

Meaningless scraps

Half hearted replies

Minimal engagement

I contemplate what staying silent would mean

No attention

No interaction

No one to even half care

Am I that desperate?

That I need to pan handle to feel like I matter to someone

My pride gets the better of me and my finger quickly deletes the words

I push the phone away as though it’s poison

I’ve decided that I’m my own best company

Because even the dreadful silence sounds better than a ping from someone just responding to the game

The aching loneliness feels better than the knawing feeling that you are just time to kill, an insignificant interaction until someone better comes along

The disappointing sight of no missed calls or messages looks better than messages from someone looking for what they can get at your expense, using fake terms of endearment as cover up and manipulation

I’m my own best company

Even in the dreadful aching disappointment of being alone

I remind myself that it’s not me

It’s them

And if valuing myself means sitting in this desolate space

Then I’m worth it

I will always be worth it

That feeling trumps them all

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About samlobos

I am an avid fan of creating narratives in my head about random experiences and quotes for future books I will probably not write. I harbor a 15 year old girl in my psyche and like to solve world issues when I'm half asleep. View all posts by samlobos

6 responses to “I’m worth it

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