The Caterpillar

 

Sometimes the loneliness is painful

The despair coming out of nowhere

I’ve been crying a lot lately

I’m trying to fight off giving into self pity and hopelessness completely

I went to the Getty Museum with my friends yesterday

It was nice to hang out and talk about life and love

Connecting about the single experience

And how things always seem better on the other side

Reminded me that I’m not the only one on this journey

Someday I will not feel this alone

But for now, I’m painfully aware of the silence

No one on the phone

No one wondering where I am or what I’m doing

No one who thinks of me as much as I think of them

Just me and my thoughts

My thoughts are dark

Full of reminiscence and bittersweet memories

Unrequited longing and old hurts

Because as much progress as I’ve made

It’s all still there

Quietly waiting in the shadows

To emerge when I’m vulnerable and weak

I am strong

Stronger than I appear to be, even to myself

But I have shortcomings

I have trust and attachment issues

I require a lot of attention and validation

Constant communication and reassurance

In order to feel secure that I’m not going to be forgotten

Or abandoned

I’m fearless

But my greatest fear is being betrayed

by someone I trust completely

My trust is everything

The last thing I give because it is so precious to me

And needs to be earned

So when I tell someone I trust them

It means that I’ve given them a kill switch to my heart

Naturally I don’t give too many out

The thing I protect above all

In this loneliness of mine

I wish I had someone I could trust fully again

Someone I am completely sure of

That’s the feeling I miss the most

I have to keep reminding myself

that this feeling is not forever

It’s temporary

Just like a caterpillar’s body

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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About samlobos

I am an avid fan of creating narratives in my head about random experiences and quotes for future books I will probably not write. I harbor a 15 year old girl in my psyche and like to solve world issues when I'm half asleep. View all posts by samlobos

3 responses to “The Caterpillar

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