I frustrate myself

I had sex with Mr. Adorbs.

More on that in a bit.

What’s really tripping me up is that I had sex with him yesterday and he was affectionate, attentive and sweet but I had Mr. K in the back of my mind. The whole time.

Then today Mr. K texts me to see how it went and I told him exactly how it went. We are straightforward like that.

He told me he has a date today but was considering cancelling because he was tired. Then we talked about us or whatever “us” is.  And basically we are in the same place. Insanely attracted to each other, like each other, but shouldn’t be together. Or so I say. Because I overthink things.

Anyway, he decided to go on this date after all. Just coffee.

So why does it fucking bother me?!?

Because I like him, that’s why. More than I let on.

Fuuuuuuuck.

I know it’s not fair. Here I am having sex with this other guy and he has to be okay with it but I’m having trouble with him getting coffee with someone else? I know, I know.

For the record, he quizzed me about my time with Mr. Adorbs and when I asked him why he wanted to know so much, he said it was partially out of jealousy, being turned on at the thought of me in pleasure, and then some plain old curiosity.

We left off with him telling me to just enjoy the good thing we have going on and not to overthink it.

Okay, fine. Except, I have no fucking idea what it is we have going on and I’m horrible with staying in limbo.

As for Mr. Adorbs, yeah, I totally took him. Literally. He was about to cancel on our date (again, would have been like the 5th time for various reasons),and I just invited him over to my place to watch a movie because this time the reason was that he hadn’t gotten paid yet. He had this thing about wanting to take me out on a real date, which I loved, but at this point, I was tired of waiting. He hesitated because he wanted to take me out properly but when I told him that I would absolutely not be rescheduling with him, he said “What time should I be there?”

He was a perfect gentleman. It was all me. I can be aggressive when I want something or someone and he was on my menu. I kept kissing him and he would pull away because he was getting too turned on and he didn’t even let his hands wander, but I kept at it until the kisses became more passionate. I won’t go into more detail but I told him what I wanted and how I wanted it and he was happy to oblige. And the rest is history.

What is wrong with me? Am I really a horny guy in a 34 year old woman’s body? Seriously.

Here’s where the overthinking begins. I wanted it. It was fun and pleasurable. (Not the greatest, but good). I like him. He likes me. It was mutual. But there’s a part of me that says “You bad girl. Can’t you even meet a guy without having sex with him first? You know you are supposed to wait. You should be ashamed of yourself.”

I keep trying to tell myself, “You are not a slut. It’s okay. You have nothing to feel guilty about.” Except that I’m not sure I believe myself.

Then I kick the overthinking into high gear and begin fretting that I’m just using him to feel good or because I’m lonely. Or both. And maybe I should stop it before it goes further because I’m not sure I could fall in love with him and what if I hurt him down the road and string him along for my own selfish reasons? Then I become commitment phobic by thinking that I don’t want to just date him exclusively because I have to be tricked into committing to someone ( for instance like falling head over heals in love with them first)  but I might feel bad and try it anyway.

Feel free to slap me please.

My friends tell me that I’m not a slut. Heck, even Mr. K says I’m not. But why do I feel like I should feel like one?

My friends also tell me to stop overthinking and just see where things go. Try to enjoy it. This is like telling me to breathe easy underwater. But I’m going to try. I really am.

Mr. Adorbs is incredibly nerdy. He’s a little chubby and not at all the type of guy people would probably imagine me with. Although I’m not sure what type of guy that would be… But he looks me in the eye and studies my face. He tells me over and over again how beautiful I am. He kisses and touches me all over. He’s patient and attentive in bed and doesn’t just take. He gives and gives and gives.

So what’s the problem? I don’t know how long this will last. Because I get restless easily. I’m a flight risk. What if I get bored? Like I said, commitment phobe.

But I do want to see him again and try this out. See if I’m just jumping the gun and freaking out over nothing (which I tend to do).

Please feel free to tell me to shut the fuck up and just enjoy this because for once in the past year things are going good Samantha so don’t fuck it up by thinking too much!

Welcome to my crazy.

 

 

 

 

 

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About samlobos

I am an avid fan of creating narratives in my head about random experiences and quotes for future books I will probably not write. I harbor a 15 year old girl in my psyche and like to solve world issues when I'm half asleep. View all posts by samlobos

7 responses to “I frustrate myself

  • survivednarc

    Ha ha great read😄 I’ve never understood this “overthinking”-thing that people talk about. What else is there to do, I mean, your brain is gonna keep thinking anyway, right? (Or I don’t know how other people’s brains work, but mine won’t stay quiet for any longer periods of time. How would that be? “Blank”?😁). So, if your brain is gonna keep thinking anyway, in an endless stream of consciousness, well then you’re better off thinking about important stuff like this = sorting through your feelings. Hugs🙋

  • GentlemanSparks

    I feel that you’re still trying to figure things out, and sometimes it can take us 1 moment or it can take us years. You have feelings for Mr Adorbs and that’s fine and understandable, any intimate connection with anyone can spark a flame but you have to keep as relaxed about things as you can, I can tell from your writing how passionate you are about your feelings and you have to make a decision in what you really really want and stick to it. I think you have a great heart and you have a great fire in your personality and no doubt you will be and do just fine 🙂 enjoy your life and enjoy the moments! My well is dry as anything haha but you have to go for it

    It was a great read and thank you for checking out my blog too, keep in touch.

    Your Friend,

    GS x

    • samlobos

      Thank you honey. And yes, I have decided to stop the sex on first meeting thing. For real this time. Had a good talk with my friend Emma, as well as some self reflection and it’s just not working for me. Thank you for your words.😊

      • GentlemanSparks

        You’re welcome :-), and as long as it makes you happy and it’s right for you then good on you! Me personally wouldn’t have sex on a first meeting but we are all different. It’s good that you have great people around you and that you’ve found something that works for you!, you’re welcome and have a wonderful Christmas and New Years!!!

  • dsnitkin

    This is a post I’d love to learn more about. My own sanity. My own worry. My own life

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