“Want me to come fuck you?” He asked.
The question took me by surprise.
We hadn’t been talking about it, he just wrote it out of the blue.
He was on his way to pick up his daughter and if he drove just 30 more minutes north, he could visit me for a quickie.
Those words both excited and repelled me.
On one hand, hadn’t I practically begged him for one more round, just the other day? Despite my own insistence that this was not going to work for me. That I would get too emotionally attached. I still wanted more of him and that beautiful body of his. Sex sounded yummy.
But on the other hand, the thought of him coming over just to have sex with me and then leave, made me feel cheap. Like a fuck toy. An object. Could I really be okay with that?
I was literally incapable of saying “yes” or “no”.
So I stalled.
I asked him questions like, “What happened to you not wanting me because you couldn’t make me cum?”
He was focused. “You didn’t answer.”
“Aren’t you going to pick up your daughter?”
“Still didn’t (answer)”
“You have a one track mind when you’re horny.”
That finally did it.
“Ok. Never mind. Getting off highway now.”
Part of me was relieved because I didn’t have to answer.
Because I didn’t want to answer.
My mind and body were in battle and even though I knew what was best for me, I still struggled with asserting it.
I want sex.
But more than that, I want genuine love, affection, and intimacy.
So maybe I wasn’t strong enough to say “no” outright, but in a way, I still managed to choose. By default.
And I chose the me that wants more than a “fuck and go.”
I told him that as tempted as I was, I’m trying to protect myself.
He understood and told me that we’ll keep it strictly as friends.
He also asked that I not talk to him about sex or tell him when I’m turned on since it’s misleading for him.
I agreed and apologized.
Then we wished each other a good weekend and said we would talk later.
How odd these transactions are and I’m shocked at how easily I navigate through them despite having never charted this type of territory before.
It scares me, actually.
Because what type of girl am I anyway?
Deep down, I know I’m worth getting to know. Being pursued. Waiting for. Cared about. Wanted completely.
But closer to the surface, there’s that impulsive side of me, the part that enjoys being wanted in the moment, the side that craves the momentary pleasure.
So I have to protect myself from myself. At least until I am more steady on my feet and less emotionally and mentally fucked up.
I have lovely friends. Friends who care about me and don’t judge. Friends who just want me to be happy. They support me in whatever I choose for myself. But sometimes I need a slap in the face. And right now, Emma has been helping me to work on the side of me that knows I deserve more. So I want to thank her for that.
Truth is, I’ve been left alone to navigate this dating thing. I lost whatever friends I had to my divorce and my new friends are mostly married and haven’t dated in a long time. So I have two friends who are single and go through the same struggles I do. That’s why I’m grateful for anyone who’s been there, done that, to help me out in finding a balance. I really am like a lost teenager in this.
Just for the record, I’ve not gone too crazy. It’s not like the number of sexual encounters I’ve had is staggering. 1 guy oral sex. 2 guys intercourse. Then my ex-wife. That’s it. I think what’s concerning is that it’s been a lot in a short amount of time and the guys were basically strangers to me. The oral sex guy and the first guy I had sex with were largely in response to being a complete emotional wreck with a side of curiosity.
Mr. K was different because I felt like I knew him before we met (even though we’d only been talking for a week) and we genuinely like each other. And I was also clearheaded when I agreed to meet him. So to me, he’s the only one that counts besides my ex.
So back to my dilemma.
What type of girl am I going to be?
I know the type of girl I am. I’m sweet, genuine, affectionate, caring, smart, intuitive, loyal, sexual, passionate, funny, honest, straight forward, a risk taker, and nurturing. Whoever I end up with will be lucky as hell.
Now I just have to start making sure I carry and present myself in a way that communicates that.