Today would have been our 14th anniversary.
The 29 in my email address doesn’t stand for my age at the time, it stands for our anniversary day.
This date will forever be branded into my mind.
I wonder how she is sometimes.
But then again, I don’t want to know.
I only hope she will find happiness.
That I wish for her the most.
She’s the only one who can make me feel like a child.
The scolding and condescending tone of her emails panic me, making me feel an inch tall.
Even when I haven’t done anything wrong.
About two weeks ago, she scolded me through email not to ever drop off mail by her house again. (she made it very clear it was hers now, and not mine, even though I willingly gave it to her)
Because my name was on every bill, statement, letter, you name it, I still get mortgage statements forwarded to me.
Sometimes I don’t realize until I’ve opened them what they are and because I work down the street from where we used to live, I will sometimes stick it in the mail box when she’s not home.
I absolutely hate going by the house because it’s depressing to see and brings up bittersweet memories and feelings. So I avoid it as much as possible.
I even called the mortgage company to let them know to take my name off and stop mailing the statements to me and they said they would fix the address but it was up to her to call them to remove me from them altogether. She’s never been very good at following through with things.
So this last time I dropped off an accidentally opened statement, I got a business like email from her telling me to never drop off mail at the house again. I kinda skimmed the email and blocked out the rest before immediately deleting it because really, it just makes me feel like shit.
Like I’m some stupid child that doesn’t understand boundaries. That’s how I feel she likes to talk to me anyway. Because she’s angry at me. Because I chose for myself.
I am not a victim. I wasn’t perfect in our marriage. I had my pain in the ass moments and she had to put up with a lot, as did I. But I tried till the end. I bent and twisted until I broke and even that was not enough. But she can only see that I left. She is unwilling to admit the part she played in it. And that’s where we differ. That’s what ultimately made me decide I needed to leave.
I sometimes cringe at the thought that she could read my posts and judge me, pity me, even, with my mistakes and stumblings. She can be a harsh critic. But I hope she doesn’t. Ever. Because I also know it would break her heart knowing how far I’ve moved on. And I know her well enough to feel confident that her pride keeps her away.
My sister got engaged last night. Funny, now I’m the only single one among my siblings. Each of them got into a stable relationship just as mine crumbled apart. I’m happy for them, though. Truly. I don’t feel the need to despise other people’s happiness in the search for my own.
So what’s next for me? I have no idea. The Thanksgiving guy and I are still talking, although it seems we are going to be friends with benefits more than anything. He doesn’t want a girlfriend, I don’t think we would be a good long term couple anyway, but he’s a nice distraction and has been the most consistent, straight forward guy so far.
I’m burned out with dating. I was scrolling through the OkCupid site a little earlier and I just don’t have it in me right now to pursue anything with anyone. I can tell by the jaded way I think when I see their faces, like “Oh, they will say this and that and seem interested, but I know exactly how it will end up going.” I wouldn’t refuse a date from a decent guy were I to be asked, I’m just not going to initiate anything for awhile. I want to be pursued. I don’t think that’s too much to ask.
So in the meantime, friend with benefit, Mr. K, will keep me company until it fizzles out, which could be at any point. I will try not to be too disappointed when it happens. Who knows, maybe for once I’ll be the one to call it first.
And as always, there’s that lingering hope, that stubborn glimmer that believes in miracles and prays I end up with Him. You know, the one who broke my heart. But really, that’s just a pipe dream. Maybe it just helps me to keep moving forward until I find someone else I love just as much as I loved (love) him. Because he’s probably done everything he can to forget I exist by now.
People who know me, who love me, say I’m a treasure. They have my back, want me around, adore me even. So it’s confusing to me when I meet strangers who question me and my worth, who want to use what they can and discard the rest, or who just don’t see the spectacular person that I am. And that’s been the majority of my dating experience so far.
You could say that they’ve been idiots, but maybe I’m the idiot. Maybe I’m naïve for giving these idiots as much as I have, even if it was just my time and effort. Maybe I should stop trying so hard. I don’t owe anyone anything. If I come off as a bitch, oh well. It’s not like anyone who doesn’t already know me sees me for who I really am anyway. Not the men, at least. So fuck them. I’m worth jumping through a couple of hoops.
So now the bitch begins.