I don’t know who I am anymore.
My identity was so fixed around my ex and the bubble that my life was with her that now all of the core “values” and “morals” I thought I would never betray, well, they’ve been cast aside.
How much of it is sheer curiosity? Loneliness? Filling the void? Simply missing sex and affection? The natural stumblings of someone who never got to explore herself openly and honestly?
I spent Thanksgiving with the new guy. I wasn’t sure I wanted to tell anyone that until now. I still struggle with the shame at the ease in which I am comfortable sharing myself with men I’ve never met before. We’d only been talking for a week and a half, but also everyday of that week and a half, more of the day and night than not.
He drove 2 hours to be with me. Spent the night. Honestly, it wasn’t planned. He was willing to wait a month until I had an open weekend to meet me. I know this to be true because he didn’t know he would be meeting me this week and had planned on sometime in December, until I told him my last minute change of plans. (My weekends have been pretty busy lately). Earlier this week I decided that I was exhausted and didn’t want to drive 3 hours to eat a meal that would take 1 hour to consume with my family and then have to drive 3 hours back.
Plus, I had just spent the whole day with them at Disneyland this past weekend for my nephew’s first trip there. (It was great, by the way. It was fun enjoying him and my family outside of their usual environment. My sisters and I have similar senses of humor, so I got to laugh, a lot.) I had talked to my mom about not going home for Thanksgiving during Disneyland. She agreed with me, saying that they weren’t going to do anything special for the holiday anyway. I figured I would just spend a little more time with them during Christmas.
So back to my very non-traditional Thanksgiving. How do you answer the question, “How was your Thanksgiving?” when you spent it eating, having sex, watching movies, having more sex (and more and more and more), then falling asleep with a guy that you just met in person? My awkward answer, “Uh, it was good.”
And it was good enough. He’s not nearly close to being “the one” for me. We get along and are obviously very attracted to each other, but he is in a long drawn process of breaking up with his live-in girlfriend and is emotionally drained. He’s not looking to get into anything serious either. Plus, he’s not very communicative or affectionate, two things I absolutely need from a partner.
Like I said, I’m not looking to fall in love. Still, part of me hopes that he doesn’t just disappear now that he’s had his fill of me. I want to be part of the fizzling out process. I don’t want to feel used and cast aside, even though I am aware that I made it easy for him to do so by sleeping with him so quickly. There’s the dilemma, I enjoy sex and want it, just as much as the guys I meet do, but I don’t just want sex. I want connection, some sort of relationship. To get to know them as people. And I mean every word I say to them, it’s never a play to get to some sort of end game. (Having said that, I do plan to curb this having sex with strangers thing. I mean, it’s getting a bit ridiculous. I think my recent romp will suffice my curiosity for awhile although it has done nothing to fill my appetite. I had no idea of how enormous my sexual appetite actually is lately.)
The unfortunate part of this is that in order to find out if he really was a asshole who was just playing me or not is by waiting to see if he will continue to contact me or conveniently lose interest. I really hate the uncertainty of it, even if I don’t plan to be very invested in him or for very long.
And after all is said and done, guess who I miss and cry for at the end of the day? Yeah, Mr. Nerd. Maybe I’ve just romanticized him into being this perfect partner for me. The one that I could not have. I know he has flaws and there were things about him I did not like. But mostly, I loved (read love) him. Flaws and all. And I was 100% certain in his love for me. Me, as a whole person, not just as the sexy girl the guys want to fuck and leave. And he was communicative and affectionate. And honest, even when he was lying to everyone else, he was always honest with me. So yes, I fucking miss him. And I hate that he still invades my mind and heart as though he were still present. I even remembered his birthday that just passed.
I don’t know where my path is going to lead me. I feel awfully lost in this big world of adulting. I’m a big girl and I can handle shit, lots of it, but it gets exhausting and discouraging. I know I will have a day where things will feel just right, where I will look back at this period of my life and think, “Wow, I learned and grew a lot, but I sure as hell wouldn’t go back and go through it again.”
Until that day comes, I just I’ll just keep stumbling along, trying to count my blessings and not let the shit stink up the treasures in my life.
Things I’m grateful for:
- My family
- My friends (in real life)
- My online friends and WordPress
- The fucking Conceited Crusade and my fellow crusaders, who have really changed my life without knowing it
- Valentine, the only consistent man (read dog) in my life at the moment
- Time (new days to start fresh)