I was about 8 or 9 years old when I developed my first woman crush.
Considering I was fairly sheltered and not even allowed to watch Who Framed Roger Rabbit, so the only way I knew about Jessica Rabbit was through the commercials for it, it’s safe to say that my draw to this highly sexualized character was an innate one. I didn’t grow up reading beauty magazines or watching shows with half naked women in them. Bodies were rarely discussed in my home or environment and none of my family members openly objectified women or made comments about them or their bodies.
No, this was all me.
The minute I saw her, I thought she was the most beautiful and sexy character I had ever seen. I’m not sure I even knew what sexy really meant, but I knew it described her. I wanted to be just like that.
Flash forward to now.
Somehow, in someway, I ooze sex.
I mean, there is something about the way I carry myself that has the aura of “sexy” to it.
I know, it sounds weird. And quite conceited.
But I wouldn’t bring it up if I didn’t have legitimate grounds to this claim.
Being that I’ve been single for now 11 months, I have a new found awareness of this “swagger” (as my co-worker likes to call it) and the effect it has on males.
I tend to draw eyes when I walk, especially when I’m feeling more confident and actually standing up straight. (I tend to hunch, I know, bad posture is hell on your back)
I don’t know how many times I’ve walked past a classroom where the male teacher was in full on lecture and as I passed the open doorway, suddenly there’s a silence followed by an awkward start up of the lecture again.
And then all those teenage boys staring.
Forget it when I wear heels.
Just recently, I arrived to a coffee shop for my date in Fullerton, a very hipster like college city and felt a table full of eyes follow me into the café. Usually I’m unaware, but it was pretty blatant.
I was wearing jeans and boots, nothing fancy.
But in having conversations with my male co-worker (who is married and don’t worry, there are strict boundaries there) he confirmed that I have a sexy “swagger” and can be intimidating as hell. That in fact, I intimidate him.
It does not stop there.
Apparently it has saturated my voice as well.
Let’s talk about my voice because I find this to be an odd phenomenon.
This is something that I have passed off as flattery and only minimally owned in the past.
But I think I have to just own it.
My voice turns guys on.
I asked same co-worker (since I hardly have male friends because men either avoid me or want to fuck me) and he said that speaking completely objectively, that yes, I have a very sexy voice. Something about it being lower and playful.
Forget it when I laugh or giggle. All bets are off.
This conversation came up because I was talking to this guy on the phone from the dating site Zoosk and I was just not feeling him.
He was too forward and it was evident in the way he kept mentioning how fertile he is and saying how he would have a hard time keeping away from me should we meet in person, that he just wanted to fuck me. And fuck me good because he even asked me if I was taking birth control.
I was not interested at all and kept redirecting the conversation. I even talked about watching Downton Abbey. It was right around then that his voice started getting lower and he said “You have a very sexy voice.”
I know what that means. I’ve been down this road more than once. Next comes the questions like, “So what are you wearing?”
I cut that out quick and told him I needed to go to sleep, even though I finished watching the last 20 minutes of Downton Abbey after I hung up.
He texted me right after saying, “You are making it hard just talking to you.”
I had no idea what he meant by “it” being hard, if that was a literal term or figurative, but I sure as hell didn’t ask.
He then tried to call me again, but I ignored the call.
I think he got the message because he stopped calling after that.
But this last interaction made me think that this has become a pattern.
Even the pre-teen and teenage boys I work with have commented.
Nothing crazy like the men I’ve talked to, but like the other day, a 12 year old was telling his peer during group how women have nicer voices and how “Ms. Samantha’s voice is really soft and soothing”.
I also have this 18 year old client (who has a crush on me, but then again most of the boys do because there are hardly any girls their age on campus) that likes to tell me I have a “cute laugh.” A lot. (I redirect him, therapy never includes sex, geez. Gross)
I’ve joked about switching my occupation to a phone sex operator, but I’m seriously thinking that I could have a lucrative career in it.
So what am I getting at?
I’m not sure.
Basically, I inherently own and exude this deep sensuality that others pick up on. I dress in a way that is classy but can be somewhat provocative, but never for the attention. Only because I love the style. And I could be a reincarnation of a siren from the Odyssey from way my voice is received by most members of the male population. (I have stories…)
YET, I do not want to be objectified as a sex object. And I don’t think I walk around trying to be seen that way, either. It just is. I don’t know how else to put it. It’s like a natural scent.
I don’t know what to make of this. I’m fairly comfortable in my body, my sexuality and sensuality so I don’t want to stifle it just in order to be treated like a person. But I’m really tired of being treated like all I’m good for is sex. Maybe it’s just the guys I’ve met.
I really hope that’s what it is…