Today was my birthday.
I’m 34 years old.
It was uneventful.
I worked, came home, took a nap, ate dinner and watched Downton Abbey.
Strangely, I wanted to spend it alone.
This weekend promises to be filled with lots of socializing as I have two costume parties to attend and a date.
Yes, a date.
I was on the verge of declaring that God doesn’t want me to date and was purposefully blocking me when I started talking to this guy.
It’s only been a few days so I don’t want to jinx it.
But he’s quite attractive and seems interested in me and I’m interested in him, so we have a date this coming Sunday.
We’ll see what happens…
I’m trying not to get my hopes up.
Trial and error, right?
But if it goes well, I might say more about him.
I’ve had some interesting messages on this dating website.
All have been largely positive, ranging from “How u doin’?” to “You are the most gorgeous and radiant woman I’ve ever seen” along with the promise to quit smoking if only to have me by his side.
I’m flattered most of the time.
Doesn’t hurt the ego, I suppose.
This one guy messaged me and said “you are kinda cute”.
First of all, if you start off focusing on my looks (which I’m not a fan of anyway) at least give me a decent compliment and not a half assed one.
Anyway, I haven’t had the energy or motivation to write lately.
Most of it is due to mental exhaustion, but I’ve also been very emotional.
I think just processing more layers of the onion.
I realized how heavily I rely on the attention of others to measure my worth.
Especially from men.
But not just all men, the men I want attention from.
This is some childhood shit right here.
So I have to actively tell myself “Your worth is not dependent on the attention of others.”
Especially when I experience what I feel are little rejections.
I’m trying actively not to assume and to just ask because my assumptions and conclusions are crazy making and most of the time, not true.
This is my current struggle.
Especially considering I’m incredibly vulnerable and new to this dating thing.
But I’m going about it differently this time.
I’m being very clear about what I want and don’t want, as well as being very straightforward.
I figure, if someone is intimidated by my refusal to play games, then he’s not worth my time.
Here’s to moving forward and onward.
Otherwise known as I’m done with fuckery.