Like anyone, I have my insecurities.
I’ve actually struggled with being insecure about my appearance all my life.
Largely because I was made fun of relentlessly when I was younger, up until 8th grade.
I know I seem confident now, and for the most part I am, but only because I actively fight off those nasty voices that tell me otherwise.
I can tell you all my flaws and rip myself apart in less than a minute, but I’m not going to do that.
Because I have learned how to love myself.
Just as I am.
But still, I have insecurities.
What I see in the mirror rarely reflects what others see.
Sometimes I look at my reflection and think, “Hey, I don’t look so bad.”
Then other times I catch a glimpse or see a picture and think “Bummer, that’s how I look?.”
The idea of dating again just magnifies these insecurities.
I know it shouldn’t, but it happens.
I hate being taken at face value.
I’m the type of person that you need to get to know in order to really like.
That’s why old friends and anyone who’s ever gotten to know me have a hard time forgetting me, even after we aren’t part of each other’s lives anymore.
I know this because I’ve had more than a handful of people seek me out years after the fact.
My personality is the winning feature, in all honesty.
I’m feeling incredibly vulnerable nowadays.
Sometimes it’s hard to believe that I won’t stay this way forever.
I’m trying so hard to stay afloat and keep moving.
But it’s so exhausting.
I have been so very broken from lots of different experiences and I really just want someone who values my brokenness and sees me for how much I’m worth.
I’ve been treated anywhere from a fragile doll to an secondhand option and I hate both.
I’m not fragile, nor do I need saving.
But I deserve to be valued and treated like a treasure.
So lately I’ve been feeling like I’m weird looking and like I’m aging by the second.
But I don’t allow myself to dwell on these thoughts.
Because I’m a tough girl and I know that who I am is more important than how I look.
And also that sometimes the mirror lies.