I tend to mull things over.
Much like a cow eats hay or grass, I mentally chew and chew until it is broken down to mush.
This is the way I process new experiences and information.
I am feeling decidedly better tonight than I was yesterday or even earlier today.
I think I just needed to have time to feel sad, cry, process, and sleep.
It wasn’t a horrible experience.
I don’t think I wrote it out that way.
It was just unexpected and emotional.
What was most upsetting to me was why I did it in the first place and how uncharacteristic it was.
But I am human.
And I want to thank all my gracious online friends for reminding me of that. 🙂
I am learning so much about myself.
And I realize I’m capable of doing things that I never, ever thought I’d be capable of.
Good and bad.
But that’s part of growing up and re-discovering yourself, I guess.
I’m learning a lot about grace.
Giving grace to other people and giving grace to myself.
Even though I’m a mess more times than not lately, I rather like who I’ve become and am becoming.
I’ve never been one to make lots of mistakes.
I’ve always been careful.
But being the “perfect” one made me less understanding of other people’s fumblings.
Now I’m the one fumbling and in need of understanding.
And I’m getting it.
From beautifully flawed people just like myself.
So I am able to give it more sincerely and lovingly than I ever could before.
That’s why the post I re-blogged, Salt, resonated so deeply with me.
Because I’ve been that drink of water with a heart too small, before, and now I’m more like the river, who absorbs it and allows it to flow through because there is room for it without spoiling anything.
Holy shit, this emotional/spiritual/personal growth stuff is fucking exhausting!
On a separate note, I am soooooo sore!
My whole lower body feels like I’ve done a hundred squats, lunges and calf exercises.
(I’m a bit sore in other places too, but I won’t go into that)
Going upstairs is torture.
I didn’t realize I was working out that whole time on Saturday night.
I suppose not using those muscles in those positions in a year and then using them for 2 hours straight will do that to you.
The best exercise is the type where you don’t realize you are exercising, right?
See how I just put a silver lining right there?
I was a bit shaky, but I got this.
I’m swallowing the processed mental mush.