I wasn’t going to write.
But the truth is, this is my place to process things.
I tried doing it on paper.
I tried talking about it, a little.
But the only way I feel I can really express myself and process it, is here.
Odd, because I air out my dirty laundry on the regular, complete with shame, and total strangers read it.
But somehow it comforts me.
Maybe to know that I’ve been heard somehow.
I may not write for a while after this.
Only on the Crusade.
I’m not feeling very good right now.
Maybe I’m reaching my breaking point.
You see, I was a bad little wolf this weekend.
I ungrounded myself in a fit of hurt, loneliness, and boredom.
I signed up on OKCupid out of curiosity.
I honestly just wanted to see who was out there.
I didn’t think I’d actually meet anyone.
I was really surprised how many messages I got over the course of 2 days.
None of them from men I was actually interested in.
And then one caught my eye.
And he messaged me and seemed interesting.
He asked me out right away.
Planned a picnic and hike to a waterfall on Sunday.
But before that, he invited me to come over his place after a party I was attending last night.
I played it off, telling him I wasn’t sure and I wouldn’t make any promises.
But during the party, I found myself getting restless and I texted him and agreed.
Part of me knew what I was getting myself into, but I didn’t care.
I think my heart is dead.
I know that meeting a guy for the first time, especially at his or my place is a set up for a hook up.
I know my limits.
I know what I’m willing to do or not do.
I was more prepared this time.
He seemed nice enough.
Attractive, but short, about my height. (I’m 5’5)
Definitely not someone I saw myself dating.
A bit of a hippie vibe, not annoying as the surfer vibe, but still a little off-putting.
But not enough for me to scare away in the moment.
I didn’t realize his place was a bedroom in a larger house.
So I sat on his bed with him next to me while a movie played.
I knew the moves.
I expected him to try them.
And I was prepared to go with it.
Because I miss touch, affection, sex, connection.
It’s been about a year.
And I’ve really been missing “him” (Mr. Nerd) lately.
So I was trying to move on.
This guy, he was attentive and gentle.
Kissing me and his hands wandered.
I let them.
I was wearing a dress.
He went down on me almost right away.
This is my kryptonite.
I’m like a man in that way, I can’t think straight when a mouth is down there.
I was very turned on, in the way your body naturally reacts when it’s stimulated.
But my emotions were, well, numb.
I won’t go into too much detail, only that he wanted to go inside me but I wouldn’t let him.
(So no, I did not have intercourse. But yes, I did have oral sex)
He was okay with that and spent a lot of time on me.
He tried to please, asking me what I liked, which I appreciate but I just couldn’t orgasm.
I kept stopping him and telling him that I should go, but he was very persuasive and in all honesty, it felt good to be wanted and touched, even by a stranger.
And he kept going down on me.
Over and over again.
I did service him a little, not as much as he did me, but I did.
My heart was not in it.
It was somewhere else, thinking about someone else.
I did eventually tell him I wanted to go.
He was understanding.
He tried a last-ditch effort to get me to stay by “kissing her” goodbye.
I agreed but stopped him after a minute.
He could tell I wasn’t used to this type of interaction.
He could have been a jerk about it really, but he wasn’t.
I mean, we sort of used each other, in a way.
But I don’t like that feeling.
He wanted to still see me today (Sunday) and said that we didn’t have to fool around, that we could just be friends.
I told him I didn’t want to go, and explained about my broken heart and how I didn’t want to lead him on.
I told him I hadn’t intended to come over to have this happen.
He said that it was fine, that it just meant that it felt good and it’s been awhile since I’ve gotten laid.
He was disappointed about not going hiking but said if I changed my mind to let him know.
He also basically offered to be a fuck buddy, saying that I could call him if I ever wanted someone to make me feel good again.
My response: “You just did not offer that.”
His response: a shrug and a “Yeah”
It’s all a bit surreal.
I have mixed feelings about last night, about dating, about life at the moment.
On one hand, it felt good. Period. I’ve missed it. A lot.
But it wasn’t the same as with my ex-wife.
She knew my body inside and out.
She knew exactly what to do and how to do it.
Plus, I loved her.
On the other hand, it made me miss “him” more and I feel a bit disillusioned.
I’m not sure when or how my heart will heal.
I’m not sure when or how I will meet a good guy that I want to date and possibly could fall for.
I don’t think this internet dating thing suits me.
I already deactivated it.
I was only on it for 2 days.
If I meet someone, it’ll have to be in person.
There’s so much information you gather about a person in just meeting them, things that you can’t know from online.
But the reality is, meeting someone worthwhile in person nowadays is almost like winning the lottery.
At least, that’s what it feels like.
Maybe it’s a sign.
That I just need to wait.
Waiting is the hard part.
So this little wolf made a rash decision and although she doesn’t fully regret it, she’s not proud of it either.
There it is.
I don’t want to be the girl that uses sex to numb it out.
I’m not that girl.
But last night, I was that girl.
It didn’t do me any good except for amplify how hurt and alone I feel.
I don’t quite know where to go from here.
I know I have to keep moving forward.
I know that this is just temporary.
But right now, I feel sad.