Confession

I wasn’t going to write.

But the truth is, this is my place to process things.

I tried doing it on paper.

I tried talking about it, a little.

But the only way I feel I can really express myself and process it, is here.

Odd, because I air out my dirty laundry on the regular, complete with shame, and total strangers read it.

But somehow it comforts me.

Maybe to know that I’ve been heard somehow.

I may not write for a while after this.

Only on the Crusade.

I’m not feeling very good right now.

Maybe I’m reaching my breaking point.

You see, I was a bad little wolf this weekend.

I ungrounded myself in a fit of hurt, loneliness, and boredom.

I signed up on OKCupid out of curiosity.

I honestly just wanted to see who was out there.

I didn’t think I’d actually meet anyone.

I was really surprised how many messages I got over the course of 2 days.

None of them from men I was actually interested in.

And then one caught my eye.

And he messaged me and seemed interesting.

He asked me out right away.

Planned a picnic and hike to a waterfall on Sunday.

But before that, he invited me to come over his place after a party I was attending last night.

I played it off, telling him I wasn’t sure and I wouldn’t make any promises.

But during the party, I found myself getting restless and I texted him and agreed.

Part of me knew what I was getting myself into, but I didn’t care.

I think my heart is dead.

I know that meeting a guy for the first time, especially at his or my place is a set up for a hook up.

I know my limits.

I know what I’m willing to do or not do.

I was more prepared this time.

He seemed nice enough.

Attractive, but short, about my height. (I’m 5’5)

Definitely not someone I saw myself dating.

A bit of a hippie vibe, not annoying as the surfer vibe, but still a little off-putting.

But not enough for me to scare away in the moment.

I didn’t realize his place was a bedroom in a larger house.

So I sat on his bed with him next to me while a movie played.

I knew the moves.

I expected him to try them.

And I was prepared to go with it.

Because I miss touch, affection, sex, connection.

It’s been about a year.

And I’ve really been missing “him” (Mr. Nerd) lately.

So I was trying to move on.

This guy, he was attentive and gentle.

Kissing me and his hands wandered.

I let them.

I was wearing a dress.

He went down on me almost right away.

This is my kryptonite.

I’m like a man in that way, I can’t think straight when a mouth is down there.

I was very turned on, in the way your body naturally reacts when it’s stimulated.

But my emotions were, well, numb.

I won’t go into too much detail, only that he wanted to go inside me but I wouldn’t let him.

(So no, I did not have intercourse. But yes, I did have oral sex)

He was okay with that and spent a lot of time on me.

He tried to please, asking me what I liked, which I appreciate but I just couldn’t orgasm.

I kept stopping him and telling him that I should go, but he was very persuasive and in all honesty, it felt good to be wanted and touched, even by a stranger.

And he kept going down on me.

Over and over again.

I did service him a little, not as much as he did me, but I did.

My heart was not in it.

It was somewhere else, thinking about someone else.

I did eventually tell him I wanted to go.

He was understanding.

He tried a last-ditch effort to get me to stay by “kissing her” goodbye.

I agreed but stopped him after a minute.

He could tell I wasn’t used to this type of interaction.

He could have been a jerk about it really, but he wasn’t.

I mean, we sort of used each other, in a way.

But I don’t like that feeling.

He wanted to still see me today (Sunday) and said that we didn’t have to fool around, that we could just be friends.

I told him I didn’t want to go, and explained about my broken heart and how I didn’t want to lead him on.

I told him I hadn’t intended to come over to have this happen.

He said that it was fine, that it just meant that it felt good and it’s been awhile since I’ve gotten laid.

He was disappointed about not going hiking but said if I changed my mind to let him know.

He also basically offered to be a fuck buddy, saying that I could call him if I ever wanted someone to make me feel good again.

My response: “You just did not offer that.”

His response: a shrug and a “Yeah”

It’s all a bit surreal.

I have mixed feelings about last night, about dating, about life at the moment.

On one hand, it felt good. Period. I’ve missed it. A lot.

But it wasn’t the same as with my ex-wife.

She knew my body inside and out.

She knew exactly what to do and how to do it.

Plus, I loved her.

On the other hand, it made me miss “him” more and I feel a bit disillusioned.

I’m not sure when or how my heart will heal.

I’m not sure when or how I will meet a good guy that I want to date and possibly could fall for.

I don’t think this internet dating thing suits me.

I already deactivated it.

I was only on it for 2 days.

If I meet someone, it’ll have to be in person.

There’s so much information you gather about a person in just meeting them, things that you can’t know from online.

But the reality is, meeting someone worthwhile in person nowadays is almost like winning the lottery.

At least, that’s what it feels like.

Maybe it’s a sign.

That I just need to wait.

Waiting is the hard part.

So this little wolf made a rash decision and although she doesn’t fully regret it, she’s not proud of it either.

There it is.

My shame.

I don’t want to be the girl that uses sex to numb it out.

I’m not that girl.

But last night, I was that girl.

It didn’t do me any good except for amplify how hurt and alone I feel.

I don’t quite know where to go from here.

I know I have to keep moving forward.

I know that this is just temporary.

But right now, I feel sad.

Stuck.

And lost.

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About samlobos

I am an avid fan of creating narratives in my head about random experiences and quotes for future books I will probably not write. I harbor a 15 year old girl in my psyche and like to solve world issues when I'm half asleep. View all posts by samlobos

16 responses to “Confession

  • rachel

    you my sweet friend…are human, not a wolf. repeat my mantra “i’m okay” until you believe it. xo

  • wonderme12

    Agree with Rachel.. You’re human – and one with a beautiful soul, as we’ve learned by your writings. A little wayside for you perhaps but feeling wanted is one thing we need to nurture every once in a while xoxo (ps – at least he wasn’t a selfish lover looking to please himself only 😉 )

    • samlobos

      Thank you. 😊Writing it out helped me feel a little less sad and confused. I appreciate the love you send.
      And yes, I agree, it wasn’t a bad experience. He wasn’t selfish or threatening. In fact, I felt fairly safe with him. But it was quite out of character for me.

  • Megan

    Bless you. I can understand this – I think you wanted the connection, the sex, to ease the pain, if only for a little while. That perhaps being connected to someone else might make you feel more detached from the other.

    One day at a time.

    And I think we should all adopt Rachel’s mantra: I’m okay… x

  • Casual Procrastinator

    I feel like I’ve learned so much here. You’re a really cool person. It’s neat to see the writings of someone so grounded and realistic. To be frank I don’t think you’ll find what you really want quickly but there’s no shame in enjoying the journey, right? Either way, keep writing. And I’m here if you need a friend.

    • Casual Procrastinator

      God I hope that came out right. How do you express sympathy with simultaneous interest? Super hard.

      • Casual Procrastinator

        I’m pretty impatient too.
        It’s not always a bad thing though. Patience is a virtue for others, but it dosen’t always serve your own good. It’s not always your own fault, sometimes you really can blame others, you know? You’re worth it, I think. Just from reading your writing I’ve fallen for you in a way. Though it sounds ridiculous when I write it that way.

      • samlobos

        Thank you.😊 Funny, that’s how Mr. Nerd fell for me. Too bad it doesn’t translate in person. As long as you’re single, I’m okay. Crush away. 😉

      • Casual Procrastinator

        Hahaha, I don’t mean it in such a literal sense because I’m not. I’m just interested in you. It’s hard to describe without sounding creepy. But I’m a little creepy sometimes, lol

      • samlobos

        Luckily I don’t scare away easily. And I get it. Ha,ha!

      • Casual Procrastinator

        Lol, either way I have faith you’ll find someone if you’re looking for it. And I’m here if you’re having a bad day. I’ve had a lot of those recently.

    • samlobos

      Thanks hon. I try. I’m just fumbling along trying to figure out what fits for me, much like a teenager with an adult sensibility. I suppose it makes for good storytelling. I’m quite an impatient individual when it comes to myself. Maybe this is the lesson I need to learn.

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