I took a mental health day today.
Rough night, you could say, and not in a good way.
I really have to stop emotionally torturing myself.
Seriously Samantha, haven’t you fucking had enough?
I had every intention of going to work.
I woke up at an ungodly hour to shower and then changed into my work clothes.
But then it hit me.
I was not okay.
And I didn’t trust myself not to lose it in the middle of the day.
So I called out.
I went back to sleep and took Valentine with me.
I rarely sleep with him anymore because 1. He sheds so much fur and it gets all over my clothes and 2. He’s a massive bed hog, always all up in my business, and doesn’t let me move.
But I needed his warm little body next to me for comfort.
We slept for a while (he snored) and then my phone and email blew up.
Probably a good thing since I really needed to talk to people without really “talking” to people.
Having friends to talk to is nice.
This is a luxury I haven’t always had.
Venting and processing felt good.
My mom even texted me out of the blue.
I swear she has this special “mommy-sense” and can tell whenever I’m feeling exceptionally bad.
She just sent an encouraging message.
Even though I have a hard time trusting my family for support, it still feels good to know they are there.
I didn’t get out of bed and out of my pajamas until about 3 pm.
Grief is like an onion.
There are lots of layers and it makes you cry.
I fucking hate onions.
I think I peeled through another layer of grief yesterday night.
Right when I think, okay that’s it, I’ve processed all I need to, I hit a deeper level of awareness and pain.
It hurts like a fucker every time.
When am I going to hit the fucking core of the fucking onion and be done with it?
This is bullshit.
Anthony says it takes about 2 years after a divorce to “get over it”.
What about a divorce and a broken heart from a separate relationship?
Should I, like, add a year?
So in roughly 3 years I should be healed and whole?
In the meantime, I’ll be peeling away at this fucking son of a bitch onion and wondering why I can’t just dice the fucker already.