Just keep swimming…

In the words of Dory. (Finding Nemo)

I was feeling angry and hurt yesterday.

Incredibly so.

I even wrote about it and almost posted it, but then decided to send it to a friend instead.

It felt like if I had posted it, it would be like sticking a dead jellyfish.

She agreed.

Thank God for Babe.

I talked to two friends in the middle of my freak out yesterday.

Anthony and Christine.

You all know Anthony, he’s Mr. Perfect to me, even though he’s really anything but.

He reminded me of something I have told him before, during his own freak out moments.

“Don’t let anyone take your power away.”

First of all, damn I’m wise when it comes to advising other people.

And secondly, damn, I needed to hear that.

Then he made me laugh and that felt good.

And then he said, “You got this, Samantha.”

That hit home.

Christine, on the other hand, is a nurturer.

She’s largely the influence on me that started the pet name calling.

She’s queen of boo, boo, love, honey, sweetheart, pumpkin, etc.

She is also one of the funniest people I know.

This girl could have a whole room rolling in belly laughs without breaking a sweat.

She offered validation and lots of “you are a wonderful, amazing person” type statements.

That was like a soothing balm over an angry rash.

Sometimes a girl just needs to hear those things from outside of her own head.

Today, I woke up feeling considerably less angry.

A bit hurt and sad, but the anger dissipated with the night.

A sudden urge to cry swept over me and I just may have, except that it’s quite a process for me to cry nowadays.

I actually have to focus in order for the dam to be released.

I’ve built scar tissue from crying so much that it takes awhile to find the vein.

So I almost started down the “I feel sad and miss what was and could have been” cycle, but then I stopped and thought about it.

It seemed like so much work to give into those feelings and thoughts again and in all honesty, I’m growing tired of it.

It’s gotten a bit old, even for myself.

And then those words came to mind.

“Don’t let anyone take your power away.”

I realized that in wallowing and allowing the actions of others to affect my emotional state so powerfully, I am giving my power away.

I am allowing these thoughts, memories, and actions of another person to dictate how I feel presently.

Damn.

So now I’m writing this.

There is something about writing down your thoughts that is cathartic.

There is also something about writing them down in a public forum where others can hold you accountable for what you say.

I tell on myself on the regular because I want to get better.

I don’t want to pretend like everything is good and I’m all healed and whole and look at me everyone, I’m so awesome because I’m resilient as fuck.

I am resilient as fuck, but I also stumble and trip up.

A lot.

I’ve never pretended to have it all together and I think that’s what attracts people to me.

I am a hot mess, but I know it and I fight like a motherfucker to deal with it.

In the end, we are all deeply flawed and imperfect, prone to making mistakes and questionable choices.

But that’s what makes us beautiful.

Our ability to get up, dust ourselves off, and keep moving forward.

Hopefully all the wiser for it.

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About samlobos

I am an avid fan of creating narratives in my head about random experiences and quotes for future books I will probably not write. I harbor a 15 year old girl in my psyche and like to solve world issues when I'm half asleep. View all posts by samlobos

4 responses to “Just keep swimming…

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