I’ve been thinking a lot lately.
Yeah, I know, I think a lot all the time, but I’m actually more coherent these days (like the last 4) because I just got out of my depression.
I finally feel like it’s safe to say that for sure.
I am no longer depressed.
Cue the confetti and blow horns.
The me outside of depression is a different person than I’ve been in over a month.
I’m a bit more snarky and alert in general.
Yes, my sass is coming back.
But I am most definitely changed permanently in some areas.
The major change is that I am more sober and cautious when it comes to my relationships with others, no matter who it is.
This is probably a good thing since I can’t continue going on with the emotional naivety of a 15 year old.
I must admit, I really don’t know how I got here.
My life has taken all kinds of twists and turns that I’ve never expected and through it all, I’ve managed to survive.
I remember very specific times in which I was sure I was dying during this past year.
But look at me now, breathing and shit.
Funny how the things you swear would kill you, don’t.
If I look back at my darkest times, when I felt the most hopeless, I can remember having the worst predictions about my future.
I specifically remember telling a friend back in January that I was certain that I would always be alone and no one would ever want me.
Flash forward to now and yes, I am alone, but I know that I will not always be.
I am actually certain of this now.
That fear is no longer relevant.
This is a HUGE FUCKING DEAL!
As ridiculous as that fear may have seemed to others, it was very real to me.
I know there are worst things than ending up alone, but when you’ve been alone for most of your life and then suddenly have someone who gets you and you feel what that’s like for years, it makes it hard to go back to being alone again.
So yes, right now I have to be alone to grow and mature.
But I will not always be in this space.
Who knows what my future will bring.
The way my life has been going lately, it could change in a matter of weeks.
And I’m starting to be okay with that.
Maybe I’ll even meet someone.
A regular, uncomplicated, organic meeting of someone.
In time, of course.
That would be nice.
I could use some uncomplicated in my life.