(Very brief) Adventures in Dating- Tinder

This post is dedicated to my friend Treat Williams who says I always sound love-sick. Love you too. 😉

I’ve been promising a post on my brief Tinder experience for a while so here it goes.

Tinder is a bullshit app.

Okay, so I was only on it for 2 weeks, but that was enough.

I decided to join Tinder on a Saturday night when I was lonely and bored as fuck.

I took this selfie since I don’t really keep many pictures of myself on my phone and created a basic Facebook since you can’t do Tinder without a Facebook profile. Which I also find to be bullshit. This was after the whole Mr. Freaky fiasco so I was curious about the dating scene but not really dedicated to it. My friends told me Tinder is a hook up site, but I didn’t want to believe it. Plus, it was just for fun.

Anyway, so the way Tinder is set up, it’s almost like playing a matching game. You have all these pictures of men or women (whatever your preference) and you swipe right if you are interested in them (basically find them physically attractive) and left if you don’t. Then if that person saw your picture and swiped right as well, you make a match. Then you can message each other and so on.

So I got a decent amount of “matches” based on the picture I put up. Confirmation that I am not hideous. Hey, I have to look for a silver lining somewhere. What was so frustrating to me is that no one seemed interested in talking much or actually meeting up. I don’t understand why anyone would be on an app to meet people if you are not even willing to message someone. I don’t like bullshit or games so, fuck you, Tinder. I mean, I got some small talk conversations, but not much else. Boring.

The first guy that I actually connected with was Caleb. He was honestly a really nice guy. He started the conversation first and asked me out (which I liked). We got along really well. Caleb looked like a big, burly mountain man. 30 years old.  Never married. He was tall, husky, and had a beard. Puerto Rican. Very nerdy as well. I’m not into big, mountain guys or beards, but I love nerdy men. Anyway, we went on a date and talked for a long time. I enjoyed hanging out with him but more like as a friend really. He wanted to go on a second date and told me so before we said goodbye. I said sure. (I had nothing to lose). But over the next week, he texted me less and less and didn’t mention it so I figured he’d lost interest.

In the meantime, basically the week after my date with Caleb, I started talking to Kevin. Kevin was very good-looking. 34 years old. Never married, just got out of a 5 year relationship. Tall, thin, ripped abs and Caucasian. (I have a thing for white guys.)  I actually could care less that he had ripped abs since I’m not really into muscles, but he had tattoos, which I also have a thing for. What got me hooked to Kevin is that we got along very well over text message and he seemed sweet,  affectionate, and attentive and I found him very attractive. We talked through text for 3 days straight, several hours each day. The third day we actually talked on the phone. He worked nights and I was on vacation so we had lots of time to get to know each other. Superficially, of course.

Kevin seemed like a good mix of naughty and nice so I was excited to meet him. In a very naïve move, I invited him over to my place for our first meeting. I explicitly told him we would not be having sex that day and he said he respected that. So he came over and looked exactly like his picture. Except that I could tell it was not going to work.

He annoyed the shit out of me in person. His voice, which I had heard on the phone and thought was a fluke, was high-pitched and had a surfer dude component to it. And the way he came across seemed very insincere. But I was experimenting, so I went with it.

So, full disclosure here, I’ve mentioned before that I’ve never had sex with a man and he knew this beforehand because somehow he guessed after finding out about my 13 year marriage to a woman. Now, while we were talking in my apartment, he mentioned how he is hesitant to be with me because I’ve been married for 13 years and the divorce was not finalized yet. He did not care that I had been with a woman and even eluded that it was to his benefit because I wouldn’t know better. So basically he was telling me that he was horrible in bed but I wouldn’t be able to tell the difference because I’ve never been with a man. Um, I’m sorry, but I know what good sex is. Believe me. I’m not that naïve. DOUCHE.

Anyway, we started kissing and Lord Jesus, he was a horrible kisser!!! First of all, that should be a crime because, how do you fuck up kissing? I’m just saying. (I know for a fact it was not me because I’m a fantastic kisser. I even have confirmation from the man whore Mr. Freaky himself. So there.) So it was a bit awkward and I was trying to make it work, but kissing him felt like kissing a needy, skinny girl with no lips. There was just something about the way he kissed where it seemed like he was used to his partner doing all of the work.

He blatantly was trying to get as far as he could with me and I knew this while it was happening but I let him try anyway. I think I was really just trying to see if I could actually do a hook up and I also missed physical touch. So he went to kiss my breasts and I stop him at first. Then eventually I just let him. He starts getting really into it and begins to grind on me over my clothes. He was working really hard to get me started, but I couldn’t help but think, “Why doesn’t it feel as good as I remember it feeling?”

We made out for a while and then stopped and talked for a while. I still couldn’t get over his voice and the superficial vibe. He eventually says that he should go and started to kiss me. I hoped that maybe since the hour break, he miraculously got better at it. No such luck. By this time, he was really intent on getting me turned on enough to beg him for sex. He was kissing and grinding and somehow he managed to pull out his penis from his pants without hands (I’m a bit impressed by this). He moved my hands to it and I’m so not into it, but I touch it anyway while thinking “Okay, now what am I supposed to do with this?”

Let’s pause here.

If I had even been a fraction of into him like I was/am into Mr. Nerd, I wouldn’t have any problems knowing exactly what to do with said male member. Trust. He would have gone home extremely happy.

Anyway, so he was dry humping and kissing me all over and noticed that I was not budging in not wanting to have sex with him, so he tried harder by putting his hand down my pants and working there. I finally started feeling something good. But even then I was not indicating that I was going to go much farther with him and was content with letting him pleasure me. I’m pretty sure he was getting blue balls and frustrated, so eventually he stopped and said he should go for real.

I was good with that decision and as he readjusted himself, I sat and waited on the sofa. Then he did this thing where he came and sat next to me, wrapped a leg around my lap and both arms around my chest and back, and laid his head on my shoulder, cuddling me as I sit up straight.

I could practically hear him counting to 30 seconds in his head during this. I have a feeling that he read to do this in a men’s magazine somewhere, so as to not seem like an asshole after intimate moments. The whole time I had to keep myself from smirking and thought “What the fuck is he doing? Is this really happening? Just fucking go home already.”

After those ridiculous 30 seconds, he got up, said goodnight, and left. By then I know that I don’t ever want to see or talk  to him again nor will he try to contact me.

It is after this that I decided to erase my Tinder account and quit my dating adventures for a while.

But then Mr. Nerd happened.

What I didn’t tell you is that I had just spoken to Mr. Nerd for the first time the night before meeting Kevin and we had amazing phone sex.

And the whole time Kevin was all up on me, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I had felt more intimately connected to Mr. Nerd over the phone than with this guy who was physically touching me.

The next morning after my Kevin “experience”, I talked to Mr. Nerd about how disappointing it was and he makes up for it  by giving me amazing phone sex again. Later on that day is when we both realized we were already in love with each other. The rest is history.

Oh, and poor Caleb. He actually contacted me the day me and Mr. Nerd confessed how we felt for each other, to setup a second date. I was a huge mess and told him about how I just realized I had fallen in love with a married man and that I was in no position to be dating anyone given my fucked up state of mind. I’m pretty sure I scared him away because he stopped contacting me after that.

But I didn’t care.

My world had just gotten super complicated.

So lessons I learned:

1. I can’t do hook ups. No emotional connection=not into it

2. I am cuter in person (as verified by both Tinder guys)

3. Never invite a stranger to your place and not expect them to try to have sex with you.

4. Tinder is bullshit.

5. Never have phone sex with a married man. It will fuck you up.

Bless you if you read all of this.

I hope it was somewhat entertaining.