I feel like I’m fighting off the last bit of my depression.
I took today off of work because I just needed it.
I still crave lots of sleep and my appetite has been for shit lately.
I’ve been getting dizzy spells because nothing sounds good and so I haven’t been eating as well or as often as I should.
But I’m getting there… Slowly.
My mood has been improving steadily.
I feel the sadness lifting in chunks like a scab.
I no longer hold my breath when I check my phone, hoping against hope that I have a message from him.
I am thinking about him less and less throughout the day, although I still miss him a great deal.
I noticed my memories of him are losing their power over me.
Yesterday morning I recalled the most powerful memory I have of him.
It was when we were video chatting and he positioned his phone where I could see into his eyes clearly.
Really see into them.
The love emanating from his eyes was overwhelming.
I felt myself inhale deeply and hold it, while my heart pounded and legions of butterflies flew throughout my body.
I was rendered speechless.
I had never experienced such an intense flood of emotion like that before.
He smiled at me at the time and asked “What?” noticing my silence and no doubt, the weird look on my face.
The best I could do was smile, shake and nod my head at the same time and say “That. Yes. Just that.”
In that moment, I knew his face and those eyes would be seared into my memory forever.
Every time I have recalled that memory since, I experienced the same physical reaction, heart pounding, butterflies, the works.
But not so yesterday morning.
Yesterday morning I remembered it as a response to a trigger and nothing happened.
The butterflies were not there.
It’s not because I’m falling out of love with him.
No, I will love him for a very long time.
This I know for a fact.
I think I’m just starting to compartmentalize my feelings for him.
I’m not a fan of compartmentalizing.
I think it’s useful for surviving stressful circumstances. But it’s definitely not healthy as a means of coping long-term.
I feel that emotions are indicators that something needs to be addressed and dealt with. By stuffing them away, you are avoiding the inevitable and stunting your emotional growth.
I have had to compartmentalize a great deal for years based on survival mode. My last practice of it was demolished when I left my marriage.
But I have to compartmentalize my feelings for him in order to move on.
I obviously still love him and trying to “get rid” of those feelings would just be denying a part of myself.
So instead of letting my love for him continue to rule over my heart and thoughts, I have been gathering it up and placing it away in a safe little space in my heart.
Containing it allows me to move on without the anxiety of losing it forever.
It also allows me to feel okay in not replaying memories over and over again, from fear of forgetting them.
Not replaying them as often has slowly started to take away the power that those memories once had over me.
I am okay in knowing that they are locked up somewhere safe, should I ever need them again.
I am very visual, so I actually visualize a cartoon version of my heart and a little tiny me inside of it, gathering up bits of love that look like red specks floating around and placing them in a little storage room in the corner of my heart, then closing the door and locking it.
This visualization makes me feel good.
I am weird.
I accept this about myself.
So that’s where I’m at.
I am anticipating the holidays because that’s a huge trigger for me.
Halloween is already conjuring up bittersweet feelings because it’s my favorite holiday but it was also the last holiday I really celebrated with my ex-wife.
This year there will be no house to decorate, no spouse to celebrate with, or hordes of trick or treaters (which I enjoy so much), since I am now living in an apartment, alone.
But one battle at a time.
For now, I’m here.
And that’s enough.