The universe is mocking me.
I work in a school setting in which all the classrooms have a teacher and two aides.
There are new aides this year.
And guess what, one of them bears a freaky resemblance to Mr. Nerd.
I almost lost it on the first day of school, which was a week after he ended all communication with me.
There he was, this guy who has similar hair, eye color, glasses, and skin tone to Mr. Nerd.
It was a bit of a slap in the face really.
Oh, it gets better.
I hadn’t officially met him until today.
And of course his first name is the same as Mr. Nerd’s.
Yes, what the fuck!!!
How’s that for shitty mind fuckery?
You see, I believe in signs. At the risk of sounding like a superstitious idiot, I have had experiences with weird foretelling clues into what is to be.
For example, when I was in my limbo period during my marriage, I had a session with one of my students in which we were playing chess. (Play therapy, you’d be surprised at how much kids talk when they are playing). Anyway, he took my queen (cause I’m shit at chess) and exclaimed “You just lost your wife! You got divorced!”
He had no idea I had a wife nor that I was in the middle of contemplating divorce. And he had never said anything like that in the past, despite the fact that we had played multiple times.
A couple of days after, I was having a session with an autistic student. He loves to ask questions and will often fire them at me with rapid speed. He was shooting questions at me when this came out of his mouth, “Are you and your husband sleeping in separate beds? Are you getting a divorce?” He knew I was married but assumed it was a man. He also had no idea that we were in fact sleeping in separate beds at the time and that divorce was very much a question in my mind.
I’m not in the habit of talking about my personal life to my students, so there was no way in hell they could have known any of this.
Not too long after that, we separated.
I have been getting little signs about Mr. Nerd and the future.
At least they feel like signs. But I’m trying not to take them as such, as it fuels the delusional hope I still harbor regarding a future with him and I really need to move on from all of that.
But seriously, today, what the fuck was that?!?!
The universe hating me and wanting to torture me for laughs?
I really don’t know.
On a side note, I painted the picture on this post.
It’s no work of art but for some reason painting the black spot in the middle of all those bright colors comforted me.
It was for a “team building” exercise and I felt like the black spot represented my pain.
And not just my most recent pain.
I think I lumped in all the bullshit of the last year into it.
There is something about feeling like I placed it outside of myself that soothes me.
Makes me feel a little less heavy somehow.