Ahh, being back in my own skin feels good.
Today, at this moment, I am enjoying the feeling of possessing my skin again. Feeling like the me I was becoming before the distraction of incorporating men into my life. Basically the me right before Mr. Freaky and the domino effect of trying to date at the end of April until now with the heartbreak with Mr. Nerd.
I’m not going to declare that I’m all better because I’ve learned that my moods fluctuate and tomorrow I may feel forlorn and crappy. But that’s okay too. The most therapeutic practice I’ve taken up is to not fight my feelings or feel guilty about having them. They just are. It’s how I manage them that matters most. That being said, I have noticed that I’m starting to feel good at a larger percentage than bad in recent days.
Things I have learned in the past 4 months:
1.In many ways I am still a teenager when it comes to romantic relationships. I’m intense and impulsive. I lack boundaries in that context and go all in. I’m not sure that I know how to date and I realize I’m not currently ready to do so anyway. I have so much work to do in this area. Personal growth fucking sucks.
2. There is a possibility that my fear of ending up alone is irrational. I was able to attract 4 specific men romantically without really trying within 2 months, one who had held a torch for me for years, two that I met on Tinder (one each week I was on it. It was only 2 weeks, I still have to tell that story) and the last one, who fell in love with me and I with him. Okay so they were epic failures. The point is, I wasn’t putting much effort into looking and it happened anyway. So maybe I won’t die an old maid.
3. I know what I want in a partner now. And what that looks like. And that someone like that is real. That he’s not some fictional character who only exists in romantic novels. That I can find someone with attributes I want in a person and admire as well as be insanely physically attracted to. And someone like that could reciprocate those feeling towards me. This realization has been so powerful since for a long time I subconsciously didn’t believe this was an actual possibility. I felt like I was asking for too much and I would never be able to get it. Now I know that’s not true.
4. No matter how careful you feel like you are being, life takes you on detours that you could never have predicted. Things just happen. All you can do is learn from them. I’ve tried to place the blame of this fuckery on Mr. Freaky, if he hadn’t opened Pandora’s box, then I wouldn’t have dived into erotic writing or tried dating and then I wouldn’t have gotten into this situation with Mr. Nerd. But really, I think Mr. Nerd and I would have stumbled into this affair anyway. Maybe it just would have taken a little longer. Our paths were meant to cross. And if Mr. Freaky hadn’t opened Pandora’s box, I’m sure someone else would have come along and done it regardless. Anyway, it’s been liberating to explore that part of myself. And apparently I have a knack for writing erotica, which I have no idea what to do with.
5. I need to learn how to just be me, without another person. I started that journey and then I pressed pause and went right back into my old patterns of co-dependence and caretaking. I have a strong sense of identity and am happy within myself until someone wants in on it and then I lose myself in them. I need to figure out my needs and be clear about them before I incorporate another person into my life. I don’t want to get lost again.
6. Nothing is ever black or white. Good people make poor decisions. Good intentions can hurt more than bad ones. You don’t choose who you fall in love with. Promises usually get broken. Heartbreak is one of the most painful experiences in the world. Anyone is capable of anything. Never judge someone because you might end up in their shoes one day. It can happen to you. I am the rule, not the exception.
(I already knew all this, but knowing it and really experiencing it are very different things)
I’m going to try actively inhabiting my life again. Un-pause. Pressing play.