It not just in my fucking head!

I’m starting to think that he never existed.

That maybe he was a figment of my imagination.

How could a total stranger make me so euphorically happy and so tragically distraught in such a short amount of time?

I’m left with nothing to show of the interaction besides a broken heart.

I hold onto the emails, texts, and voice messages as proof that he was real.

But honestly, as proof that he really did love me and I didn’t somehow make it up.

That I didn’t make it to be bigger or more than it actually was.

Because I’ve been brainwashed since I was young that things are “in my head.”

The family dysfunction I witnessed first hand.

In my head.

The constant volatile marital conflict between my parents.

In my head.

The borderline abuse of my brother.

In my head.

Being parentified and helping to raise my siblings.

In my head.

The blatant mental health issues plaguing me and my family.

In my head.

You get the pattern.

So now I’m obsessed with proof.

Proof that my perspective is based on some form of truth.

That any coherent and reasonable person would conclude the same things as I do when presented with the facts.

This is also the same reason I can’t erase Mr. Freaky’s text messages quite yet.

Somehow I feel like he’s going to pop back up in my life and I’ll need proof that I’m not full of convoluted storytelling as he has accused me of.

Even if it’s just to re-read the messages to reassure myself of how twisted and manipulative he actually is.

Because his claims that I made dating seem complicated and his statement of “most of this is in your head” triggered the shit out of me.

Anyone that says it’s “in your head” sends red alerts of manipulation throughout my brain.

And I learned for my own sanity, that I need to keep proof of the facts in order not to fall into the manipulative person’s thought process.

I got fucked up that way.

Trust issues.

I have my reasons for having them.

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About samlobos

I am an avid fan of creating narratives in my head about random experiences and quotes for future books I will probably not write. I harbor a 15 year old girl in my psyche and like to solve world issues when I'm half asleep. View all posts by samlobos

9 responses to “It not just in my fucking head!

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