It’s time to start rolling again.
My favorite book has become “The missing piece meets the Big O” by Shel Silverstein.
I’ve written about it before, although I don’t think anyone read that post.
In that former post, I ended by stating that I was “healed and whole.”
Shortly after that, I retracted it, feeling that I was anything but healed and whole.
But 7 months after writing that, I realized that while I’m not completely healed, I am whole.
I am not missing any pieces.
I don’t feel like I need someone to fill a void inside of me.
I struggle, but I do it on my own, in my own way.
I am emotionally self-sufficient, even when I’m neurotic and dysfunctional.
I gain strength from inside, not depending on others to give it to me.
Self-sufficiency includes recognizing that you need others in your life as support, but not as your motivation.
I recently got a tattoo in which I branded myself “Resilient.”
This is not a title I gave myself.
It was given to me.
But it is one that I am proud to claim.
My first therapist, who I saw for about 5 years, helped me grow leaps and bounds in processing my childhood and family dynamics.
It is with her I learned how to place healthy boundaries.
It was also how I started to become stable in my depression.
It was during a session in which I was feeling particularly broken, when she told me “Your resilience is amazing.”
That was by far the best compliment I had ever received then and it still holds true today.
I had never seen my stubborn will to keep moving, to keep searching and fighting for change as a strength.
It had been seen as an annoyance or just cast aside as nothing important by everyone else I knew, especially my family.
And she gave me that gift.
The gift of seeing it for what it is, an incredible, unique strength.
I am resilient as fuck.
Part of the reason I am a therapist is because I believe that everyone has been given resiliency.
The difference is that some people have a stronger sense of it, some people have that extra will to feed it, to let it take the wheel.
For a pessimist, I’m pretty optimistic.
I believe that anyone can change, if they really desire to.
But that’s the thing, isn’t it, most people don’t want to change.
There is comfort in the devil you know.
I’ve never been comfortable with my devil.
So I will keep rolling, even if I have to do it alone.
Maybe someday I will meet another Big O.
Maybe I’ve met a missing piece who has become inspired to be a Big O.
But someday, as I keep rolling, maybe someone will catch up and roll alongside of me.
I would like that.