In high regard

Last month I got a nasty text message from Mr. Freaky.

Yeah, I thought he was long gone too, but he needed to have the last word and he did.

(Read here and here and here for reasons why he wanted the last word)

But enough about him.

This is about something he said that made me think.

He told me that I think very highly of myself.

At first I took it as intended, as an insult.

But as I’ve been reflecting on where I’m at regarding my self-esteem and self-worth, I’ve come to this conclusion:

Damn right I do and so the fuck what?!?

Do you even know how much shit I had to unlearn to get to the point I’m at now?!?

It’s no secret that I suffer from depression. I’ve had it since I was a child. And often depression goes hand and hand with low self-esteem. This was true for me.

Not only was I a depressed child with a toxic home environment, I was also teased relentlessly from elementary school through junior high. Funny thing, it was always the boys that picked on me the worst. In junior high, I was so depressed, in fact, that I genuinely believed I was deformed looking. All my perceived flaws were amplified in my mind and that’s all I could see when I looked in the mirror. This lasted for a year.

Combine this with the daily bombardment that women endure constantly about never being “perfect enough” and always needing to improve on their bodies, image and status in order to be considered attractive and relevant.

Disaster, right?

Fortunately for me, I had a decent amount of self-worth even then. I know, it sounds like a contradiction. How can someone have low self-esteem but high self-worth? I believe they are different. Self-esteem is the pride you have in yourself and your abilities. Self-worth is the opinion you have about yourself, despite what others say. Maybe I was a walking contradiction. I’m okay with that. Complicated is where I live.

My self-worth derives from my faith (I know I hardly talk about it, but it’s huge), a little bit of nurture from my mom, friends, and most definitely my ex,  and a lot of my own stubborn will to not let anyone tell me what to do or who I am. The latter part is just my nature. But I had to nurture the shit out of it to get it strong enough to hold me through the tougher times.

Lots of prayer, therapy and medication has gone through my system to bring me to the present moment where I have both a high sense of self-esteem and self-worth.

I had to unlearn negative self-talk. I had to learn how to take compliments and let the insults roll off. I had to fake it until I made it. I had to surround myself with people that valued and appreciated me and avoid toxic people. I had to learn to love myself. And unlearn giving my power away.

That shit is hard work.

So yeah, I am confident and self-assured now.

Fuck you if you have an issue with that.

On the dating and love front, I have to say that every interaction I’ve had so far has helped me immensely in being more comfortable with my outward appearance. Tinder taught me that on a superficial level, I am attractive enough for a bunch of men to swipe right. Of course they didn’t have the motivation or balls to do much after that, but that’s another post in progress.

My ex was amazing in always making me feel attractive, no matter the shape or size I was. I learned unconditional acceptance and desire from her. For all his negative, Mr. Freaky helped me see that my sexy wasn’t as hidden as I had thought and that it was very desirable. Random other men have reinforced that enlightenment.  Mr. Nerd (aka Heartbreaker), showed me how I should be wanted and seen, by my mind, body, and soul and that each contributes to my overall attractiveness.

He also gifted me a clear idea of what I want in a partner. Since getting a divorce, I’ve had some ideas as to what I don’t want. The problem with that is it becomes a game of deduction, which can burn you out with disappointment after disappointment.

Once you find what you want and it is clear, it’s freeing.

I now know what I want because of Mr. Nerd. Despite the heartache and uncertainty, (I have no idea what the future holds) I am grateful for that.

No more bullshitting around with accepting less than. I want it all. And I now know that’s not too much to ask for.

In conclusion, I know I’m awesome, that’s attractive, and you can get there too if you’re not there already.

Fuck the rest.



About samlobos

I am an avid fan of creating narratives in my head about random experiences and quotes for future books I will probably not write. I harbor a 15 year old girl in my psyche and like to solve world issues when I'm half asleep. View all posts by samlobos

6 responses to “In high regard

  • emmagc75

    It’s good you realized what he meant as an insult is actually a necessary part of self-love. Remember how special you are!

    I also have depression. Most of the time I am confident and have very healthy self-esteem. I attribute that to my family, especially my parents. It’s kind of a minor miracle since when depression is bad my own brain tells me I’m ugly, worthless, lazy, etc. But after living with it over half my life, thankfully I know it’s bullshit and the feeling is temporary. Be well xo!

  • Tony Single

    I’m not there yet, and that frustrates me. A have a horrible self image. Intellectually, I understand this. Emotionally, not in the slightest. Luckily I have two amazing people around who are attempting to help me change this, so it’s not all bad.

    I’d have to say that Mr Freaky did you a favour, even though that’s not what he intended. And it’s telling that he would still want to have the last word. Why even bother to do that if he didn’t consider you (in a weird, snarky kind of way) worth that effort?

    • Tony Single

      “A have a horrible self image.”

      Good grief. I’m sure you’ll know that was meant to be an “I”. Insert rolly eyes emoticon here.

      • samlobos

        Ha, ha! Yes, I got that. You will get there Tony. It’s hard to let go of that self doubt and learn to view yourself more positively. It’s often easier to stick to what we know. I’m glad you have others around you to help nurture this part of you. And yes, Mr. Freaky would like to make it seem I’m an after thought to him, but his actions speak pretty clearly. I should make a post of it. It would be entertaining at least.

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