Last month I got a nasty text message from Mr. Freaky.
Yeah, I thought he was long gone too, but he needed to have the last word and he did.
But enough about him.
This is about something he said that made me think.
He told me that I think very highly of myself.
At first I took it as intended, as an insult.
But as I’ve been reflecting on where I’m at regarding my self-esteem and self-worth, I’ve come to this conclusion:
Damn right I do and so the fuck what?!?
Do you even know how much shit I had to unlearn to get to the point I’m at now?!?
It’s no secret that I suffer from depression. I’ve had it since I was a child. And often depression goes hand and hand with low self-esteem. This was true for me.
Not only was I a depressed child with a toxic home environment, I was also teased relentlessly from elementary school through junior high. Funny thing, it was always the boys that picked on me the worst. In junior high, I was so depressed, in fact, that I genuinely believed I was deformed looking. All my perceived flaws were amplified in my mind and that’s all I could see when I looked in the mirror. This lasted for a year.
Combine this with the daily bombardment that women endure constantly about never being “perfect enough” and always needing to improve on their bodies, image and status in order to be considered attractive and relevant.
Fortunately for me, I had a decent amount of self-worth even then. I know, it sounds like a contradiction. How can someone have low self-esteem but high self-worth? I believe they are different. Self-esteem is the pride you have in yourself and your abilities. Self-worth is the opinion you have about yourself, despite what others say. Maybe I was a walking contradiction. I’m okay with that. Complicated is where I live.
My self-worth derives from my faith (I know I hardly talk about it, but it’s huge), a little bit of nurture from my mom, friends, and most definitely my ex, and a lot of my own stubborn will to not let anyone tell me what to do or who I am. The latter part is just my nature. But I had to nurture the shit out of it to get it strong enough to hold me through the tougher times.
Lots of prayer, therapy and medication has gone through my system to bring me to the present moment where I have both a high sense of self-esteem and self-worth.
I had to unlearn negative self-talk. I had to learn how to take compliments and let the insults roll off. I had to fake it until I made it. I had to surround myself with people that valued and appreciated me and avoid toxic people. I had to learn to love myself. And unlearn giving my power away.
That shit is hard work.
So yeah, I am confident and self-assured now.
Fuck you if you have an issue with that.
On the dating and love front, I have to say that every interaction I’ve had so far has helped me immensely in being more comfortable with my outward appearance. Tinder taught me that on a superficial level, I am attractive enough for a bunch of men to swipe right. Of course they didn’t have the motivation or balls to do much after that, but that’s another post in progress.
My ex was amazing in always making me feel attractive, no matter the shape or size I was. I learned unconditional acceptance and desire from her. For all his negative, Mr. Freaky helped me see that my sexy wasn’t as hidden as I had thought and that it was very desirable. Random other men have reinforced that enlightenment. Mr. Nerd (aka Heartbreaker), showed me how I should be wanted and seen, by my mind, body, and soul and that each contributes to my overall attractiveness.
He also gifted me a clear idea of what I want in a partner. Since getting a divorce, I’ve had some ideas as to what I don’t want. The problem with that is it becomes a game of deduction, which can burn you out with disappointment after disappointment.
Once you find what you want and it is clear, it’s freeing.
I now know what I want because of Mr. Nerd. Despite the heartache and uncertainty, (I have no idea what the future holds) I am grateful for that.
No more bullshitting around with accepting less than. I want it all. And I now know that’s not too much to ask for.
In conclusion, I know I’m awesome, that’s attractive, and you can get there too if you’re not there already.
Fuck the rest.