I have to say, my motivation is for shit these days.
I have plenty of time to finish tying up the loose ends that I know I need to do. For once, that’s not the problem.
I will lay around in bed as long as possible in the morning and plot how I’m going to accomplish this goal or that one.
I’m okay as I’m washing up and sitting eating my breakfast. I dress, ready to get the day started and then I look around and all I want to do is go back to bed because I’m suddenly exhausted. And overwhelmed and anxious as fuck.
I’m pretty sure I’m depressed. A low level depression as it were. I’m functioning, but just enough to survive. I have to fight it all the time, especially since, well you know.
It’s been 3 weeks. It feels like half a year.
I’m exhausted even as I write this. I don’t sleep too well at night. Always tossing and waking up at random hours of the morning.
Good news is that I’m not crying everyday like before. I’m quite numb actually. That’s a nice relief.
I don’t know how long it’s going to take me to get out of this slump. I usually ride it out until it runs it’s course. This one is certainly lingering. I’ve been close to giving up. To not fighting it anymore.
But the wolf in me won’t hear it. She forces me to plow through, to keep my head above water no matter the cost. She makes me reach out to others. To ignore my instinct to isolate and avoid. She tells me things that I need to hear, that there is more to life than this, that this feeling is not forever, and that I will get through it and be stronger still.
She is relentless, this wolf. It’s uncomfortable to listen to her and worse to do what she demands. But I need her. She’s kept me alive this far. And she has yet to steer me wrong so I know I can trust her.
Just a little nap, okay wolf.
And then I’ll get started.