What we want isn’t always what we need.
Or is necessarily the best thing for us.
I know this.
There have been plenty of things and people I’ve wanted that I never got.
Looking back, I can see that it was for the better.
At the time, I was so disappointed that I couldn’t fathom how it could be a good thing.
But everything happens for a reason.
I do believe that.
I am hurt.
I am in pain.
I miss him very much.
And I do still want to be with him.
Very much so.
But maybe it wasn’t meant to be.
Or maybe this is how it has to be for right now.
Maybe someday I will look back at this and know why it didn’t work out as I had wanted it to.
Maybe I’ll even be grateful for it.
When you think something has ended, you often look to the beginning.
I’ve been looking at the beginning of this relationship a lot.
I don’t know if this could have been avoided, to tell the truth.
It’s obvious the connection was there, as were the warning signs.
Should I have known?
I’m not sure I could have.
But looking back also brings some clarity with it.
And lessons learned.
In retrospect, I deserved more than to be someone’s secret.
Even if it was because he was still deciding what he wanted to do and how, I am better than that.
I don’t ever want to be a secret again.
I am better than someone’s confusion or indecision.
The love was real, he meant what he said, but he was in no position to give me his heart when he was not free to do so.
I deserve someone free so I can accept their heart without worry it’s going to be reclaimed.
I have no idea what the future holds for me.
Maybe he’s part of it.
Maybe he’s not.
I have to choose to accept that this is more of a possibility than not.
My therapist said that I can still hope for a happy future with someone, just not to make it specifically with him in mind.
This is harder done than said right now.
But I will get there.
Lots of writing.
I will move forward.
I always do.