I’m just going to say it, dating scares the shit out of me.
After being with one person for 13 years, (the majority of my formidable young adult years)
emerging into this world of being single and learning how to date is a culture shock to me.
I was last single when cell phones were just coming out and it was “fancy” if your little screensaver was in color.
Texting wasn’t invented yet.
Facebook wasn’t even a twinkle in Mark Zuckerberg’s eyes.
Dating websites were for old, lonely people who didn’t know how to socialize in person.
Flash forward to now.
Ten year old children have fancier phones than I do.
Getting an actual phone call from someone is like “WTF, who died?”
Everyone and their grandmother has a fucking Facebook page.
Grandmothers have Facebook pages.
Look it up.
Using a dating website is now a norm, with people “too busy” to meet in natural, real world settings.
Dating has changed considerably since I was 20.
Of course, I didn’t have much dating experience before getting married so impulsively and quickly back then anyway.
Truth is, she was my only serious relationship. Actually, my only relationship. Ever.
Yes, this is me being super honest.
My first and only relationship was with a woman and that lasted 13 years.
And now I’m into guys. (It’s actually not that simple. For the real, complicated truth, read here)
How’s that for a major plot twist.
I figure, fuck it, everyone I know already knows this whether I wanted them to or not.
What’s the difference a couple of strangers knowing going to do?
As I was saying, the dating game has become way more complicated than I had anticipated.
There are all these unspoken rules and expectations that I didn’t even know existed.
Like the sex on the third date assumption. What the fuck?!?
It takes me forever to decide on a pair of shoes, how the fuck am I supposed to decide if I want to see you naked after meeting you three times?
And dating websites, what a fuck up of the dating process. It’s the land of excess, instant gratification, and tailor making your “ideal” person by sorting out all the people who don’t “match” your requirements.
Not to mention a play in self indulgent ego stroking. (If you question this, just try Tinder. It’s the ultimate ego boost fest. It’s also stupid).
The problem with that is, everyone I’ve ever really fallen for has been the exact opposite of who I am physically attracted to.
And I think that if more people were really honest and open, they would find out that could be true for them as well.
But hey, this is the era where being open and honest is lumped in with naivety and hopeless romanticism.
Makes me want to run back into my unicorn lair.
I originally approached this new dating life of mine with the same hopeful transparency in which I was approaching the rest of my life.
I was finally letting my guard down, letting people in, and they were not screwing me over.
I made wonderful friends and I was slowly letting go of the trust issues that have hovered over me all my life.
Then, I trusted the wrong person.
You can read more about him here. (that’s not the only post about him, but you can explore and put the pieces together)
It really fucked up my perception of trust and dating.
Here was this guy that I knew before I had even met my ex, a guy that had shown me a great deal of respect in the past and had loved my smile more than anything else. And then I met him again and that all had changed.
Over the years, the excess of hook ups, fuck buddies, casual sex and more than willing participants in his games at his beck and call, had turned him into this emotionally void, calloused man that I no longer recognized as an old friend.
But because I was hopeful in the memory of him and in what ultimately turned out to be lies he fed me, I trusted him.
That was an epic fail.
I have a lot to lose in this stupid game.
I’m an exposed nerve at the core, despite the tough exterior I put on.
I hate that I have to be so suspicious of someone’s true intentions towards me,
that because of my lack of “experience” I have to be wary of vultures hovering, ready to be first in line to sample a piece of fresh meat.
Like I’m a fucking trophy, a game of “who can catch the elusive unicorn that’s been hiding all these years in comfortable captivity.”
Who is going to get to break her in?
Well, motherfuckers, I may not be as “experienced” or wise to all the tricks as you think I should be by now, but I am smart as fuck, quick on my feet, and I am more determined than ever to protect myself from future douchebags.
Lesson has been learned.
This girl, the one who is unlike anyone you will ever meet, she has a lot to learn and a lot to give in this new world she’s exploring.
And you are going to have to work your ass off to earn her trust, much less anything else.
Because I don’t do bullshit.