I think I just got my world rocked by this kiss but then I got rejected.
What the fuck?
It’s been hot, the late night talks, the texts, the mutual desire for each other.
And then today happened.
Maybe it’s my fault for pushing it.
Forcing us to meet up before he wanted to.
Maybe it would have happened either way.
I can’t be sure.
But the fire, the passion that we’ve had long distance, was not there, not in real life.
It’s not that I wasn’t into it, I was.
But I could feel the awkwardness and it threw me off.
I could just tell his heart wasn’t in it.
He was somewhere else.
It was a nice evening, conversation and dinner.
But I knew something wasn’t right.
So we said goodnight and he kissed me.
He’s a good kisser (I’m thinking he’s good at other stuff too)
From my point of view, I don’t think physically connecting is our problem.
Maybe it’s the emotional connection we have trouble with.
Either way, he has decided that we wouldn’t work out.
It’s funny how the tables turn so quickly.
In the beginning, all those years ago, I wouldn’t give him a chance.
And now, all these years later, he is the one not giving chances.
I suppose that’s his way of trying to protect me from getting hurt.
Maybe he sees what I don’t want to see and instead of taking me along for a ride, he’s stopping it before it starts.
But, if I really think about it, it had already started.
It started when he forced open that Pandora’s box and started exploring it without a second thought.
When he would somehow turn our conversations into something sexual and I would go along with the fun.
When he would declare his urgency in wanting me and I would reciprocate the sentiment.
Yes, it had already started.
It started because he gave me this strange hope that he wanted to pursue more with me, because that is what he said.
That after his trip, he might be open to pursuing something long term and if he dated me, he wouldn’t want to date anyone else.
Those are his words.
So I guess he’s taking them back now.
Because I don’t like camping or hiking.
And other reasons I may never know about.
So that kiss, as hot as it was, it felt like a goodbye kiss.
Goodbye to the fantasy, the memories, the what was and what might have been.
The door has been closed, this time in my face.
Maybe it’s for the better, but it doesn’t make it any less disappointing.
Because I think I was ready for him.
I think he underestimates me.
I think that we could’ve worked, but I get the feeling he doesn’t do compromises.
And he doesn’t see past what’s in front of his face.
Because if he did, he would see that while we are different, we are also equals.
That I am full of surprises.
That I like adventure.
That I adjust to my environment.
That I am willing to try new things.
That I’m more interesting than I can express in one conversation.
That I’m not used to being judged at face value
and it makes me nervous when I can tell it’s happening.
But these are things he will never know.
Or maybe he will find out but won’t care.
Maybe knowing this wouldn’t change anything.
So now my problem is getting over his kiss and being okay with the cold.