I started looking at the divorce paperwork today. I got so overwhelmed and anxious that I had to take an Ativan (anti-anxiety pill) then I paced around my living room telling myself to breathe. I had the overwhelming urge to get on the floor and curl into fetal position, but not before I popped in a DVD of cartoons in order to distract myself. I laid in the floor on my back, half watching the cartoons and half zoning out because life’s overwhelming. Valentine (my pug) busied himself by licking my hands and arms in an attempt to make me feel better. A single tear escaped my right eye.
Now I’m on the sofa, feeling like a blob and trying to motivate myself to get up and do something, anything. I can think of a million things I could do, should do, need to do, but I’m exhausted just thinking about it. I want to cry, but no tears come up. I’m afraid I will have a spontaneous burst of emotion when I least expect it. I can feel it slowly bubbling up inside of me. This is why I have procrastinated all these months. I knew the emotions were just lying underneath the surface and confronting the reality would scrape the surface away, revealing the tangled mess of pain just below.
I’m so tired now. I’m also hungry. But my motivation to eat has diminished, my appetite eaten by my sadness. I feel my eyes closing, my body is overriding my brain. It orders a complete shut down, the only way it knows how to self preserve. “Get her some sleep” are the direct commands. “Everything seems better after a nice long nap”. As my eyes flutter, my brain’s last thought before losing all control is, “not this time”. All goes dark.