Here’s the truth
I feel like crying all the fucking time lately.
But I’m unable to do so.
It’s like I’ve used up all my tears and now the ducts are dry.
So I walk around in severe pain.
I look fine,
but I’m hurting.
I’m under constant emotional anesthetic awareness.
I walk like a zombie, going through the motions.
And it hurts so bad.
I see couples and I remember, that was me 6 months ago, I had someone special.
I pass by the home goods section in the store and I feel a stab in my chest
because I no longer have a home to buy things for.
I see certain dogs and it reminds me that I will never see the rest of my little pack again.
I see a light blue camry and it reminds me of her, of us.
Random triggers that skewer my heart with little daggers.
Tomorrow reminds me of someone I lost, that we lost.
It reminds me of him, which reminds me of her.
And it reminds me of all we’ve been through, of all I’ve lost and can never get back.
I cycle through guilt, panic, sadness, acceptance, and back again.
I can’t stop this cycle.
This is part of the healing.
Like changing dressings on burn victims.
It’s torturous but necessary.
Today it hurts.
But maybe someday it won’t be as bad.