I don’t want to be healthy anymore.
I want to be numb.
The pain is too much, too real, too strong.
I stand emotionally naked, with nothing to protect me from the harsh reality
that I just lost everything.
Everything I worked so hard for, everything I’ve known, everything I’ve placed my hopes in,
I relinquished my rights and now I have nothing
I didn’t know how high a price I would have to pay to survive on my own
So as the tears on my cheeks fall
I contemplate giving up, giving in
Turning off my emotions, like an internal switch
Numb the pain so I don’t care anymore
Become a shell so that I don’t get hurt
Fall into the darkness
I reconcile with this decision and I am ready to let go
I stop flailing my arms, take a deep breath and drown
The tears on my cheeks dry as I sink slowly into the black abyss
I can feel my body shutting down and I feel a calm float over me that apathy can only bring
I will become that girl again
Then I hear it
A loud voice in my head
“You are the one worth saving”
My eyes widen as those words sink in, the meaning infusing energy into my body
I start to swim up and break through the void, gasping for air
I realize that this is my voice
The voice I have been working on all these years
The strong part of myself, the fighter, the part with purpose
I have been grooming it, feeding it, trying to make it powerful and determined
And now it is finally stronger than the darkness
So I dust myself off, cover myself with my remaining dignity and decide
that my happiness is worth securing
My life is worth living
That I am worth saving