Guilt

The guilt will eat you alive

Panic sweeps over me

“What did I do?”

She’s a wonderful person. I loved her. I love her.

“Did I really leave her for him?”

“Did I make the wrong choice?”

The guilt haunts me and calls me names

“quitter”

“abandoner”

“selfish”

Tells me that maybe I got caught up with thinking that the grass is greener on the other side

That I messed up my whole life

That I can never go back

That I broke up my little family

That I destroyed all the work I put into all those years, 13 years worth, in one decision

The guilt is powerful

Makes me feel like the world is upside down, even though I’ve started feeling like it was just getting to be right again

Makes me doubt myself

My intentions

My judgment

I hate this guilt

It’s so heavy on me

I carry it around like a brick around my neck

I thought I was done with it, that I was at peace, finally

But then she has to go and be human again, show me the vulnerable part of her I know, and then I wonder if I could have saved us

“Did I do enough?”

“Did I try hard enough?”

The guilt, it’s hard to tell what’s a lie, what’s my old issues twisting the truth into manipulations, making me believe the worst in me

Making me turn on myself, turn on the decision I struggled with, was tortured with, the decision I cried and sobbed over

And now it has me wondering

“Will I ever be the same again?”

“Will she ever find someone to love her like I did?”

“Will I ever find someone to love me like she did?”

Oh guilt, how I wish you would go, you just make me sad

You have no purpose now

You just drag me down into the dirt, reducing me to a piece of trash, forlorn and alone in a dump

No one can save me from you

Just leave, you’ve done your job

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About samlobos

I am an avid fan of creating narratives in my head about random experiences and quotes for future books I will probably not write. I harbor a 15 year old girl in my psyche and like to solve world issues when I'm half asleep. View all posts by samlobos

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