Expectations

I have been feeling stuck lately. It’s hard to move forward when you are so burdened by the now. So many things have happened and not happened that were unexpected. I didn’t expect to lose my job. I didn’t expect it would be so hard to find a new one. I didn’t expect to be drowning in bills that I’m having trouble paying. I didn’t expect feel like a total loser at 31. I didn’t expect to have three dogs that I simultaneously love and hate at times. I didn’t expect to ever get married and I sure didn’t expect to have it be ignored like it didn’t happen. I didn’t expect for things to be so lonely and difficult. I didn’t expect to be tested this way.
I am not prone to being particularly hopeful. In fact, I’m more of a glass half empty person for the most part. I grapple with chronic depression, the type you can live with but that drains the color that tints your everyday experiences. It’s called dysthymia. I have sought out treatment, both medicinal and therapeutic, and I am glad to say that I’m the most steady I’ve ever been. However, it continues to be an ongoing battle. That is the nature of something that is chronic.
Hope. It’s such a powerful word. It conveys images in my head of clouds parting and light streaming in. Of harmonies being hummed on beautiful instruments. It makes me think that everything will be alright in the end, no matter how dire the situation seems now. It’s the stuff inspirational movies are made of. You know, the movies where the main character is in an impossible situation and you have no idea how they are going to make it out, but you know somehow it will work out because you saw the trailer and it’s not one of those bummer indie movies.
Hope is not just a word to me. As much as I am that glass half empty person, I have hope in something, no, someone greater than myself. That is the only reason I have hope. That is the only reason I believe that all of this, all the unexpected things, they are all for a reason. Maybe it’s denial. Maybe it’s blind faith. But to me, that hope is true. That hope makes all my unexpected experiences worth something. Even if it means I don’t understand what it is yet.

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About samlobos

I am an avid fan of creating narratives in my head about random experiences and quotes for future books I will probably not write. I harbor a 15 year old girl in my psyche and like to solve world issues when I'm half asleep. View all posts by samlobos

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